Just like any other day, I was mindlessly swiping through Bumble, except on this particularly day, someone caught my attention. A beautiful soul named Becca had sent me a message and I was immediately drawn to her - not just because she's beautiful, but because of the conversation we exchanged. We talked about bisexuality, polyamory, and non-monogamy - all things I was new or open to exploring and it felt great to discuss it with someone who shared common ground.
Exploring your sexuality can be absolutely fucking terrifying. I want to do my part by bringing more awareness in hope that it can help others experience ease and comfort through their exploration.
I am thrilled to put the spotlight on Becca today as she shares her truth and story about coming out as bisexual.
When did you realize you were sexually attracted to women?
I realized I was attracted to women around my freshman year of high school. I can’t remember how it occurred to me or if I saw a particular woman that made that part of me “click," but I know it didn’t happen until I was about 15 years old.
Was it hard to come out?
It has not been super difficult with those I opened up to, but I won’t lie, not everyone knows yet - including both of my parents.
I recently wrote a blog post talking about my sexual orientation and "coming out" because I felt it was easier to write than it was to put in words. And despite the fact that most of my family members are still kept in the dark, I willing shared the post to Facebook. Right when I posted it, I couldn't help but hide the post from my parents. Part of me realizes that their opinion does not matter and I also don't even think they would be upset...but I just have not felt ready to address it with them yet, and you know what? That's okay.
Have you faced any negative judgement? If so, how did it make you feel and how did you handle it?
Fortunately, I haven’t faced much scrutiny. I think part of that has to do with the fact that I've always had boyfriends and haven't publicly been with women.
But, a frequent thing I hear is that bisexuals are merely "fetishizing" the same sex, and that we don't actually find ourselves romantically interested in them - this really bothers me.
If you date a woman, you are lesbian. If you date a man, you are straight. People want black and white answers and they have a hard time understanding that you can be bisexual while just dating a man or just dating a women.
It is frustrating when someone tries to tell you that your feelings are wrong and certainly isn't fair because no one has the right to take your feelings away from you. No one can tell you how you feel - only you know how you feel. And in my own experience, I have been sexually and romantically interested in both genders. Sometimes it's just one of those feelings and sometimes it's both. It changes, but it's never wrong.
Do you identify as bisexual?
I do identify as bisexual. For the longest time, I told myself there wasn’t enough evidence nor did I have enough experience to say that I was. But, I have since grown to understand that there is no specific definition I need to follow. I like men and I like women, regardless of who I’ve been with and who I am with now.
Knowing that you are engaged, how does your fiance feel about you exploring your sexuality with women?
He has been very supportive of my exploration in women. I told him from the beginning that it was something I was interested in and he was completely open to the idea of letting me experience that. The reason this is entirely possible is because we have a great communication skills with each other. We communicate our needs, yet set clear boundaries so that we both feel safe in the relationship.
Have you always felt confident in your sexuality? If not, how did you get there?
It’s been a process, but in the last few months, I have become more accepting and comfortable with owning my sexuality. I realized that it is just as factual as the color of my hair. It’s not an extension of me - this mega-secret that no one should know. It’s just a factual piece of information. I have green eyes. I love wine. I sleep a lot. I like women and I like men, too. That's it - there is no hidden or negative meaning behind it.
What is one thing you have done that has helped you feel more confident in your body during intimate moments with your partner?
Intimacy has always been a struggling of mine, but there have been a few things I've put into practice that has allowed things to flow easier for me.
The first being that I prefer encounters start slower rather than rushed. I like to feel physically connected not only with my partner but with myself.
The second being that I feel sexiest if I am fresh and moisturized while wearing my silk robe. I also find that aroma therapy with scents of rose petals and lavender helps get me in the mood.
The last is that I feel most confident if I am direct and honest with my wants and needs.
What advice would you give to someone who is curious, but feels shameful about exploring their sexuality?
I say just go for it. If you want to try it, try it! With that said, I think it's important to factor in two major things:
The first, it's still sex so practice safe sex. The second, when you are figuring out your sexuality, feelings can still get hurt.
It is always important to remember that no matter what you’re doing or who you’re doing it with, it is crucial to be open and honest so that clear intentions are set. Be upfront and be truthful - even when it's difficult. But most importantly, have some fucking fun.