Mindset // Mental Health

Getting Out of An Abusive Relationship

“You’re not stuck here. You’re choosing to stay here.” A rude awakening to say the least. These were the exact words I said to myself when I found myself in an abusive relationship.

We don’t walk into a partnership with someone knowing they’re going to abuse us. In the beginning, even with an abuser, it’s beautiful and they treat you beautifully. Being with them makes you feel like pure ecstasy is running through your body. You’re beaming with love and excitement and happiness.

But, somewhere down the line, when people get 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 comfortable—they take off their masks. And sometimes, underneath that it isn’t so pretty.

I’ve grown up watching people who are close to me be in abusive relationships. You would think I would know if I was in one. However, for the longest time, I didn’t... but perhaps, that’s because it was a different type of abuse.

Many of us, including myself for a while, have this erroneous assumption that abuse is only physical. But it’s not. It can be verbal and emotional.

𝐒𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞: manipulation, control, gaslighting, intimidation, humiliation, treating you like a servant and putting most responsibilities on you, keeping you from work, making threats to hurt themself, smashing or destroying things, making you feel afraid and unsafe.

And... when do call them out, they’ll try to justify it. They’ll minimize or deny or blame the behavior on you.

You stay, because well for starters, they’re really good at changing your mind. They change the narrative to change your mind, perpetually. But also, it’s either a familiar cycle from your past or because you’re in love. Because you’re so far invested. Because you see changes in them, and when you see those slivers of change—it gives you hope.

I’ve been in two abusive relationships and I know how hard it is to leave. Especially when they feed you all the poetic bullshit, like: You’re the only one who gets me, understands me, knows how to show up for me. You make me feel safe, seen, and heard. You’re special. You’re not like anyone else. I’m doing my best to change and break my patterns. Please don’t give up on me.

Here’s the thing: abusers say they’re going to change. And they do...for awhile, until they don’t. Until they have you back in their grips, and then they repeat the same patterns and behaviors...over and over again.

That’s how part of the cycle works.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, I want you to know it doesn’t mean you’re weak. You’re likely a deeply compassionate and understanding individual. You feel for them and want to help them.

But also know: it’s not your job to fix them, it’s theirs. Their job. Their work. Their responsibility.

You’ve done enough. You’ve had enough.

There’s a way out. I promise. You’re not stuck. Leaving is hard—trust me, I know—but staying is even harder.

Please don’t let them convince you otherwise. You deserve so much more than this. There’s other options waiting for you.

You are self-sourced, independent, resourceful, and capable of taking care of yourself.

You are worth so much more than what they’ll ever give you. You deserve to be treated like the god damn queen that you are.

You’ve got this, babe. I believe in you.

Confession: I Like to Eat Food, Naked.

It was a December month in NYC, I decided to order Italian food in, rather than going out and having to face the brisk, cold air. While I waited for the delivery, I had sex with my then-partner because what’s better than food showing up after sex?

...but really, food post sex is the best—just saying.

I was sitting on the couch, completely naked, after devouring chicken parmesan.

And then, suddenly...it hit me.

How comfortable I felt in my body and how profoundly different that allowed me to show up.

I sat sprawled out, full belly and all—without self-deprecation. I could let every part of me be seen without the worry of what I looked like.

Years before this, eating while being naked or just being naked in general, wasn’t something I felt comfortable doing.

There’s this quote that says, “Need motivation to lose weight? Just eat in front of the mirror. Naked.“

When I first read that, I was a teenager and at the time, it seemed like great advice. Now, I understand how truly FUCKED up that quote is.

But that quote carried with me and played a massive role in how I felt in my skin. I believed my body wasn’t worthy of food, wasn’t worthy of love, wasn’t worthy of being seen in its rawest form...until I looked a certain way.

Yet, in that exact moment and even now, it’s not uncommon for me to get up from having sex, say, “I’m hungry,” and scurry off to the kitchen, naked, to eat.

What’s changed? I didn’t change my body, I changed my beliefs.

We go throughout our years believing our bodies are flawed and it traps us from experiencing some of life’s most precious gifts:

Love.
Sex.
Connection.
Intimacy.
Food.

You’ve been conditioned to think you’re flawed, but you’re not. The truth is the beliefs you attach to your body are flawed. And the wonderful thing is, you have the power to change those beliefs. You can pluck them from their roots and plant new.

You are worthy of love. Worthy of having orgasmic sex. Worthy of creating strong connections. Worthy of experiencing intimacy. Worthy of eating delicious food.

You don’t have to hustle to look a certain way in order to be worthy, to be seen, to be loved.

You’re worthy. Now and always.

Devi

Overcoming an Eating Disorder

Food controlled about five years of my life. For those who don’t know, I suffered from a life-shattering eating disorder.

It all started in high school. I wanted to change my body to fit society’s fucked up standards of beauty. So, I started dieting. Obsessively. I was constantly following something and I tried just about everything. Juice cleanses. Low carb. Low fat. Paleo. Vegan. The military diet. Weight Watchers. Keto. Calorie restricting. There was even a week when I only ate baby food (😣).

I’d follow these diets for a week or two at a time, and when I “messed up” or deprivation sank in—I ate anything I could get my hands on. If there wasn’t enough food at home, I’d go to the grocery store to buy more.

Let me clarify: Binging is NOT Thanksgiving. It is NOT overeating. It’s eating a meal, and then scavenging through your cabinets to see what else you can eat; cookies, ice cream, bread, peanut butter, rice cakes—all in one sitting. You might start munching on food you don’t like. And after an episode of binging, you can’t move. You’ve stuffed yourself to the point of overwhelming discomfort.

For the longest time, I didn’t even realize it was an eating disorder. I assumed I couldn’t “get my shit together.” That I just needed to learn to control myself. But that wasn’t actually the case.

You see, an eating disorder is much deeper than having willpower around food. It’s a mask that disguises your insecurities, your pain, and your suffering. For some, it’s a coping mechanism to numb. For others, like myself, it‘s caused by body dysmorphia.

An eating disorder is not fixed by “fixing” your body or following a diet you can finally adhere to.

Recovery involves the unpacking of why and how it developed. It’s addressing the underlying issue and dismantling through all the narratives that are robbing you from feeling normal around food and in your body.

Healing isn’t linear, either. This journey is full of disarray; ups and downs. But healing is possible. I’m walking example and if you’re struggling, you will be one day, too. I believe in you. There is freedom. I promise.

Keep going. Keep trying. Keep believing.

Devi

Unpacking My Trauma

I had a breakdown on Monday. I found myself riddled with crippling anxiety, brought on by the unpacking of trauma—from my childhood and past relationships.

Sorting through your baggage isn’t exactly a fun task. You’re recognizing restrictive patterns and limiting behaviors that need to be disrupted. You’re learning about why you are the way you are, why you do the things you do, why you feel like you need certain things. You might even come up on something you weren’t aware of before.

Through this unpacking, unfolding, unearthing—you’re processing a lot. Sometimes an insufferable amount all in one sitting, which often feels impossible to digest.

I get why people turn away for this process. It’s painfully hard, it’s uncomfortable, it’s unfamiliar. There’s no numbing, suppressing, blaming, or avoiding. You are forced to face the darkness, sit in the discomfort, take radical responsibility, and in a way—relive trauma.

I understandably get and relate to your struggle. I’ve experienced a tremendous amount of resistance the deeper I dive into my own healing process.

But, we must remind ourselves, in order to heal and grow past our confinement, it’s absolutely necessary. To feel is to heal. To face is to overcome.

Look at these things with curiosity, rather than trepidation and judgment. To know the pain is ephemeral. To realize light exists in these shadows. It’s a pathway to the highest expression and expansion of your being.  There is bliss, joy, and freedom past your suffering—but you must be willing to work through it.

I promise you’ll make it through and when you do, you’ll be transformed, renewed, liberated.

I believe in you and I love you.

Devi

Are You a People-Pleaser? Here's How to Stop.

I have a confession: I’m a recovering people-pleaser. For the longest time, I never saw it as a problem.

I operated under the erroneous assumption that this made me a good person. It meant I was this easy going, compassionate being who wants to make sure everyone’s taken care of and happy.

And then, it was brought to my attention that it actually was a fucking problem. I’d perpetually find myself in situations I didn’t want to be in. I habitually said yes and put on a facade acting like it was all okay...when deep down it wasn’t. I sacrificed my needs to serve others.

Can you relate?

If so, it’s time to neglect this tendency, because it’s working against you in every damaging way imaginable. And trust me, I get it. There’s resistance and discomfort to say no. Vocalizing your truth can be difficult.

BUT.

You can’t afford to put yourself last anymore. Do not trivialize your needs for others because your needs are just as important. Practice relinquishing this tendency by internalizing these truths:

☠️ You. Are. Worthy.

Your worth isn’t placed in others. It isn’t found externally. It isn’t defined by success or money.

You’re worthy simply because you exist. The end.

You’re not a doormat for people to walk all over. You’re worth more than that. You’re worth giving yourself the same love, respect, and care you give others to yourself. And you deserve to give it to yourself first, before anyone else.

☠️ We usually people-please as a way to gain control; to control how others perceive us, feel about us, or how a situation plays out.

Truth: the only thing in life you can control is how YOU feel and how YOU respond. You can’t control the outcome or how others feel or how they react.

☠️ Accept that not everyone’s going to like you and know that it’s okay, because all you ever need is for YOU to like you.

Seek validation internally, not externally. We often put the responsibility on others to love us, take care of us, show up for us...but it’s not their job—it’s yours. And it is their job to do the same for themselves—not yours.

☠️ When someone asks something of you, give yourself time to respond. Reply with, “I’ll get back to you.”

This gives you the space to process and decide if you have the bandwidth or if you even want to do it.

Set those boundaries, baby girl.

Devi

To Heal, You Must Feel

A few weeks ago, an unpleasant situation emerged that catalyzed a cascade of emotions:

Anxiety.
Fear.
Panic.
Anger.
Annoyance.
Nervousness.
Embarrassment.
Guilt.
Shame.

And it all spiraled me into the depths of deep and utter sadness. 

Experiencing a range of uncomfortable and painful emotions in one day ain’t fun. It fucking sucks. But, these days do happen and these feelings do occur; not every day is going to be seamless and blissful—some days it’s going to full of disarray, chaos, and disharmony.

So, in the midst of the upheaval, I gave myself permission to express each emotion, without judgement. I screamed and yelled “𝐖𝐓𝐅!” at least five times. I stomped my feet, aggressively. And I shed to tears, numerous times throughout the day.

I sat in the discomfort. I felt each emotion—questioning them, taking time to understand them, figuring out where they’re coming from and what they’re rooted in. In doing so, I emptied myself from them, because to feel them is also to relinquish. From there, my next step in healing was to move forward; to not sit, cling, or stay in my suffering for too long. So, I asked myself, “𝙽𝚘𝚠 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚍𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍, 𝙳𝚎𝚟𝚘𝚗? 𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝‘𝚜 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝟷% 𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚘𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜?”

I took the day off. I called a friend. I watched comedy. I journaled. I sang. And I went to bed early.

Everyone’s healing process looks different. But I know one things for certain: to heal you must feel. Too often, we try to run away, numb, deny, or suppress. We think if we avoid it, it’s gone. But in reality, it’s living inside us. It’s bubbling below the surface and you’re carrying the weight of its heaviness.

Cut that shit out, my dear.

Open and unpack the baggage. You’ll feel lighter afterward. I promise.

Hugs,

Devi

Do You Feel Pressured to Always Drink When You're Out?

In the past, when I went out drinking, I felt compelled to have a drink in my hand at all times. The minute I finished a drink, I’d order another one. Always. Without fail. Irrespective of if I actually wanted another drink or not.

And when asked the inevitable questions...

𝙲𝚊𝚗 𝙸 𝚋𝚞𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊 𝚍𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚔? 𝚂𝚞𝚛𝚎.
𝚂𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜? 𝙳𝚞𝚑.
𝙼𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜? 𝚈𝚎𝚊𝚑!? 🤷‍♀

I’d wake up the next day with an insufferable hangover (☠️), repeating the same conversation I had with myself the week before:

“𝙵𝚞𝚌𝚔. 𝚆𝚑𝚢 𝚍𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏, 𝙳𝚎𝚟𝚒? 𝙽𝚘 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞.”

As much I do love drinking wine and tequila, I don’t particularly enjoy getting fucked up on the reg. I do, however, enjoy going out and being a social butterfly on the reg. But, I was in a predicament, because when I went out I felt obligated to continuously drink throughout the night.

I know you know this and I know I knew this, but you can go out WITHOUT drinking.

I get why this is hard to do because there is that social pressure put on you to drink, especially when you’re in a bar.

When you tell people you’re not drinking, they get all up in your space and chastise your right to say no. They question you. Judge you. And encourage you to, “𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎” even though you already said no.

Listen.

When someone berates you for saying no, it has nothing to do with you and has absolutely everything to do with them. It’s stirring something up for them. It’s triggering them in some way, bringing up an insecurity, and challenging their beliefs. As a result, they project on you.

^^ that’s not your problem. It’s not your work. 𝐃𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐥𝐞𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠.

The next time you’re out, before giving that impulsive “yes,” ask yourself if YOU actually want another drink.

You’re under no obligation to have another drink, even when someone offers...even when all your friends are taking another round of shots. You don’t have to conform.

Cheers to that,

Devi

Give Yourself Permission to be an Utter Mess

Give yourself permission not to have it all together. To detach from the unreasonable expectation of perfection. To be a mess. To be discombobulated. To look at your life and accept the disarray, free of judgement.

Give yourself permission to acknowledge the full spectrum of emotions you can experience and to know each one of them is allowed to be expressed, to be felt, to be seen.

Give yourself permission not to be okay. To stop numbing, avoiding, and ignoring the discomfort. To realize suppression is not of service to you, because those uncomfortable emotions will fester. They’ll consume every fiber in you’re being if you bottle them up. To feel them is to also relinquish them. To grow from them. To heal from them.

Give yourself permission to stop people-pleasing and to start self-pleasing. To declare your boundaries, even when they don’t fit the other persons desires. To finally say no to someone else, so you can say yes to yourself.

Give yourself permission to provide for YOU in the same way you do for others. To give yourself the love, the compassion, the kindness, the gentleness, the forgiveness, the acknowledgment, the care.

Give it to yourself. You owe it to yourself. ⚡️

xx

Devi

Give Yourself The Love and Attention You Beg From Others

“𝑰 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝑰’𝒎 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖.” Words you so frequently say to others, but fail to say to yourself.

You sit there in the dark. Forgotten. Neglected. Abandon. Willing showing up for others, but never for yourself. You’re so out of touch with you that you’re lost. And you expect someone else to find you, to provide for you, to fill what is hollow:

You’re in search of someone to give you:
𝙰𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗.
𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎.
𝚂𝚎𝚡.
𝚀𝚞𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎.
𝙰𝚏𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚜.

You tell them: 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦; 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦; 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘦, 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘮𝘦, 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘮𝘦; 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦; 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨.

You put the responsibility on others to take care of you, to love you, to supply your needs. And as a result, you become so distant from yourself, so far from seeing your worth, and come to a place that lacks fulfillment.

Your cup will remain empty, until you choose to fill it on your own. Darling, please heed my words: it is your responsibility. To fill those voids, to take initiative, and to give yourself the boundless love placed in your heart. You can and you should give yourself what you’re so desperately craving. The orgasmic sex, the appreciation, the gentle words, the date night, the roses, the nourishment and the nurturing. All of it.

Your love is yours to give yourself. You are your responsibility—no one else’s. And when you fill up your own cup, others will only add and love will overflow.

Fill up your cup today, boo. Today and every day.

xx

Devi

Your Insecurities are Haunting You

Your insecurities will continue to lurk in the corner and perpetually paralyze you, until you muster up the courage to face them. And trust me, I get how the very act of doing so is petrifying considering you’ve been told to hide them and run away from them.

You’ve been raised and socialized to feel insecure about your insecurities. ⠀

“𝙳𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚕𝚎𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖 𝚘𝚛 𝚎𝚕𝚜𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚍𝚎𝚎𝚙𝚎𝚜𝚝, 𝚍𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚜𝚎𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚝 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚎𝚍: 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚞𝚗𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚑𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚛𝚎.”

It’s no wonder you try to conceal them and avoid them—you’re embarrassed to even have them.

But, baby girl, we’ve all got insecurities. To feel insecure is a normal part of the human experience. It’s not something to suppress, ignore, or feel ashamed about. It’s something you should take time to understand and unpack.

And I promise, as scary as they seem, their presence exists to serve you, not to terrorize you. They’re your compass to guide you; they’ll take you down a path to a deeper understanding of yourself. It’ll show you the things you need to work on or work through.

Confront them. Make sense of them. Dismantle them. Allow them to heighten your confidence—not stomp on it. Got it, love? Use the Lumos spell to light up the dark and face the very thing that’s been haunting you.