Relationships

Life Will Do Whatever The F*ck it Wants to You

Life will do whatever the fuck it wants to you, and sometimes those uncontrollable outcomes are undesirable.

Things are going unravel and unfold exactly the way they’re supposed to and sometimes, you’re going to fucking hate it.

You have two options:

You can either play victim and attach to the story of, “it wasn’t supposed to be this way.”

OR.

You can see these undesirable and often painful outcomes as an opportunity for growth. As a tool to learn. As the mapping to your higher, divine self.

Expansion, if you will ✨

Because maybe, just maybe these things are working for you—not against you.

Perhaps this pain, this muck, this shitty situation is just a disguise for something beautiful to flourish.

I choose option two, how about you?

Devi

Sex With The Lights On - Podcast Interview with Marie Wold

In this podcast with Marie Wold on The Grind & Be Grateful Podcast, I dive into the reasons women feel insecure in their bodies and how to overcome it. I get deep about body image, sex, and personal experiences I’ve had. Tune in to hear my story and learn tools on how to feel more confident in your body and in the bedroom.

Website: https://www.grindandbegratefulpodcast.com/

Marie’s Instagram: @MarieeWold

SHOW NOTES:

  • Who is Devon Day? (7:57)

  • Idolizing unrealistic body types (9:30)

  • Food as a form of fuel and nourishment (12:10)

  • Empowering yourself with your experiences (13:37)

  • What’s keeping us trapped in our lack of confidence and self-acceptance (14:55)

  • The stories we tell ourselves (15:25)

  • Bringing awareness to self-limiting and self-sabotaging beliefs (15:40)

  • “You don’t have to take these stories to heart, and you don’t have to let them hold power over you” … “You have the power to re-write the script” (17:05)

  • Thoughts are just thoughts (17:46)

  • “Find where your insecurity is coming from, unpack the belief, and shift the narrative” (20:20)

  • “How boring would it be if we all looked the same?” (21:50)

  • “Nobody laughs the same as us, or smiles the same as us…” (22:09)

  • The Jealousy Cycle / Comparison Game  (23:10)

  • The difference between admiration and jealousy (24:10)

  • Sex With the Lights On (25:17)

  • “So many of us let our insecurities be our identity; you have insecurities, but you aren’t your insecurities” (26:55)

  • “We are conditioned to feel insecure about our insecurities” (28:16)

  • Porn – why we should NOT use it as a too to learn about sex  (30:25)

  • Let’s Talk about sex (32:55)

  • “We all have that inner mean girl…” (33:10)

  • Normalizing our bodies (34:10)

  • Silencing the noise; – being aware of our thoughts through meditation (34:40)

  • Roles – addressing and challenging stereotypes (36:55)

  • Communicating with our partners (38:10)

  • “Vulnerability helps us connect with people even deeper…”

  • Directing and validating others (40:38)

  • Vulnerability gets easier over time (42:36)

  • “Sex doesn’t always flow so seamlessly” (44:48)

  • Where to find Devon’s Guide, Sex With the Lights On (45:45)

  • One thing Devon is currently grinding for & grateful for (46:20)

Tears on Christmas

“𝑰𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝒉𝒆’𝒔 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒎𝒆?” I think to myself. Anxiously waiting by my phone hoping to hear a ring...to hear his voice.

As the hours pass by, the hope dissipates and my answer is clear. He isn’t going to call me.

A harsh reality I have to accept every single year.

This holiday is terribly triggering. The absence of my father brings heartache and pain and resentment and frustration and all these unresolved questions I’ve been pondering for years now.

As I sit here on my very first Christmas in complete solitude—the loneliness is weighing heavy on me. Not necessarily because I’m isolated, but because there are no distractions to keep my head space preoccupied.

I’m alone and being alone opens up more space to think about him. I’m not just thinking about him calling, I’m thinking about everything that involves him. I’ve been crying on and off—which isn’t unusual for me—but it’s more tears than usual.

It really fucking hurts.

I share this because this holiday might be hard for you, too. I know there’s nothing I could possibly say to take the pain away, but I do want you to know you’re not alone.

I see you. I feel you. I understand how hard this day can be for you. It’s not going to feel okay, and that is okay. Your experience and your feelings are completely valid.

I love you. I’m here for you if you need me.

Devi

What Happened When I Entered a Polyamorous Relationship

In January of 2018, I started dating not one, but two people. I entered into a polyamorous relationship with an established couple. We became what’s a triad: a configuration in which all three of us were dating each other, equally.

The relationship was unconventional, and beautiful, and challenging. But I loved it, even the messiness of it. I loved it so much, I decided to pack my bags in Ohio—the place I lived since the day I was born—to move to NYC to live with them.

That decision set off a cascade of events. There was almost never a humdrum moment. Some of it was joyful. Some of it was painful. All of it was awakening.

I really didn’t know what I was getting into, but, I mean...do we ever? 🤷‍♀️

It worked for awhile. And then it didn’t. One person left. And then there were two. That worked awhile. And then it didn’t.

I often credit NYC for breaking me open—and don’t get me wrong, it did. But, fuck, these two people broke me open in more ways than anything in my life ever has.

When I reflect back on how I’ve changed this past year, those changes all track back to them and my decision to be with them. They were highlight and very much the center of my 2018.

They pushed me in ways I needed, including the ones I wasn’t aware I needed. They loved me so much, it made ME love me so much. They showed me the world with a different lens. And through that lens, I saw things more clearly and with greater understanding. It brought questions. And lessons. It stretched me. It transformed me.

Devon then compared to Devon now isn’t remotely the same.

She’s smarter. She’s braver. She’s stronger. She’s bisexual. She’s monoga-mish. She’s sluttier (but with strong boundaries). She’s unapologetic. She’s weirder. She’s sillier. She’s louder.

She knows what she wants and asks for it, even when trepidation sits inside her. She operates from her own agency, standing powerfully in her autonomy.

She’s shifted into an entirely new way of being—something brighter.

And so much more herself.

And fuck, she is ever grateful. I’m grateful for them and everything they brought. 2018 was a was a life altering experience and a year I’ll never forget.

Thank you 2018. I’m ready to harness this potent power, this magic, this new way of being in 2019.

Happy New Year.

Love,

Devi

Severing Friendships As You Evolve

Like the moon, you will transform with each phase you go through. And there will be someone in your life—someone you even consider your closest and longest friend—who will absolutely hate your transformation.

The will shame you, judge you, reject you, and tell you your new way of being is “wrong.”

But it’s not. 𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵.

Different from what you once were, and that’s okay. You’re supposed to change—that’s concomitant with age, pain, lessons, experiences, and all the other various things in life that shift you.

Your beliefs, values, likes, dislikes, and views will evolve into something slightly or entirely new. And sometimes the newness will make or break a relationship, and this is a truth—a hard one—you must accept when it means the breaking of one.

Where you once both shared a profound connection—now, there’s only resentment, annoyance, conflict, and arguments due to your transition altering that.

You’re moving into a direction they don’t like or understand. And as a result, they attack you and you find yourself in defense mode or maybe even feeling guilty for something that feels right to you.

And yes, there are occasions where you both find resolution or step in a place of acceptance and all of the trouble eventually dissipates. But every so often, as I said, the relationship must come to an end.

You can’t continue or afford to hold and attach to relationships that keep you stagnant and stifle your growth. It must be severed in order to support your expansion.

So yes, as you change, sometimes that means a relationship must change, too. This is okay. It doesn’t make you wrong. It doesn’t even make them wrong. It just means you two are no longer in alignment.

Grow. Shed. Change. Evolve. It’s beautiful. It’s necessary. It’s needed.

Love,

Devi

Relinquish and Come This Way

I’m giving you permission. Permission to relinquish the thing(s) that are no longer serving you—or perhaps never were.

The stories. The beliefs. The people. All the things causing you an unbearable amount of pain.

Release your grip.
Lay it down.
Let it go.

I know. Sometimes 𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘴 easier to cradle the suffering. Easier because it can be used as an excuse. Used as a way to attach to the narratives you perpetually feed into. Used to get out of taking responsibility. Used to blame. Used to point.

Used to avoid change and growth, for the sake of familiarity and uncertainty.

But your resistance to give it up is the very reason the fire grows bigger. Stronger. More intense. It’s the reason everything is crumbling and burning to ash. Keeping it only fuels the fire.

You don’t need to spiral down the path of ongoing misery.

Relinquish and come this way. Hold my hand and join me, my darling.

Let’s take radical responsibility and pick up our feet to walk into a new direction. Use our hands to write a different story. Use our awareness to detach and recreate entirely new beliefs.

Through this awakening, you and I will step into a space full of freedom, bliss, and serenity.

Are you ready for beauty to blossom?

If you’re ready to live an Empowered life, click here and walk with me. I’ll hold your hand and show you the way.

Talk soon,

Devi

Fostering Friendships on Bumble

Throughout most of life, our friends are chosen for us by virtue of proximity. As a child, your best friend is the kid next door. As a teenager, your friend group is mostly made up of people at your school. In college, you befriend the people who—by sheer happenstance—happen to be the same floor of your dorm.

After college, you become friends with people at work.

Proximity, repeated exposure, and familiarity form the basis of our early relationships—that’s what makes making friends easy. Your friends tend to stay in your life because you want them there, but gaining admittance was just luck of the draw.

Once you’re past all that, things change.

As an adult, you don’t have the same repeated exposure. If you want to build deep relationships with amazing people, you can’t rely exclusively on work or school or geography to create the opportunity to meet someone.

When I left Columbus for NYC, I was moving away from a familiar place full of a lifetime of friends to a new city with barely any.

And if you’ve never had to make new friends as an adult, let me assure you, it’s HARD. Especially when you’re self employed.

I had no specific hub where I might meet someone. I couldn’t just wait to meet someone at a coffee shop.

Adult friendships don’t just happen; you’ve got to be proactive about it.

So, I did the logical thing and hopped on Bumble BFF…

…which turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life.

A few fateful swipes found me at a wine bar, sitting next to the amazing human, Cynthia.

And here’s the thing, with Bumble, you can meet someone once and never see them again. There’s no obligation or requirement—just pure choice. She isn’t in my life because of school or work, she’s in my life because she chose me and I chose her. And there’s so much beauty in that.

To fostering connections,

Devi

Bisexuality - My Story.

It’s not unusual for anyone to look at an attractive person and recognize that individual is objectively beautiful. But there’s always been so much more to it wrapped up in that admission for me.

For a while, as I struggled with my eating disorder, admiration was colored with jealousy from a lack of self-esteem. Acknowledging another woman’s beauty in some way diminished my own: she was prettier, thinner, sexier, whatever-er. The negative self-talk hid a lot of things.

Coming to love my body changed everything for me. I no longer spent energy hating myself, I could focus it on discovering myself.

I began to accept and love who I am in other ways. Including my sexuality. Once I stopped hating myself for the way I looked, it was easier to simply appreciate another woman’s beauty instead letting it detract from how I felt about myself.

Accepting your sexuality is different for everyone. For some, it’s always been obvious. For others, it’s a process, one of both development and discovery.

For me, once the veil of *something* had been lifted and I no longer viewed other woman with jealousy, I realized I was looking at them with something else. And that I had always looked at them that way; I just didn’t allow myself to see it.

“Wow, she’s gorgeous.” I was saying the same words as my friends if we were looking at the same woman. But I became more and more aware that for me, it meant something very different. It was more than admiration or objective analysis.

I wasn’t just seeing that she was beautiful—I was seeing that she was beautiful and I wanted her. Wanted to talk to her, to flirt with her, to kiss her. When I looked at certain women, I felt all the things: the butterflies, the nervousness, the beautiful trepidation that comes with any crush. Whatever magic comes into being whenever you realize you like someone, want someone—I was feeling that with women.

Yet it was a feeling I shut off and shoved down for the longest time. Part of this was the eating disorder, and the way viewing myself through its lens forced me to view other people.

But there was more to it, so much more. Like so many of us, I thought it was wrong. Not necessarily wrong in the absolute sense. But for me. Wrong for me to feel it, to want it, to want to feel it. And especially to express it.

I was influenced by my Catholic upbringing, and while I wasn’t exposed to what you’d call overt homophobia, I was being convinced to think that ALL of my sexual urges were wrong. That I should want to be with just one person, one man—for the purpose of getting married and having children.

Contrasted with this, I had an experience watching a same-sex relationships. After my mothers divorce, my mother began dating a woman. In our conversations during that time, though she never referred to herself as bi/queer/pansexual etc, she revealed to me that she’d had other relationships with women throughout her life. While that should have in some way made it easier for me to accept and declare my own sexual identity, it had the opposite effect. My mother’s relationship with her then-girlfriend—the first same-sex relationship I’d ever really experienced up-close—was incredibly toxic.

Witnessing this had it’s own effect on me, but there were other factors: my biological father criticized her for it constantly, implying the relationship itself was wrong, and that the wrongness of it explained the toxic relationship.

A clear picture was being painted for me. I internalized it, and subconsciously came to believe being with a woman was wrong, inappropriate, and difficult.

These beliefs lasted a long time, and guided some of my actions, at least in that they prevented me from exploring in ways that were desirable.

Owning my sexuality in a powerful way—abandoning negative attachments to words like “slut” or what it means to have a certain number of sexual partners—was liberating in so many ways. Being able to enjoy sex and not judge myself for wanting to be with more than one person was a learned practice. As I got better at it, being comfortable with myself in one sexual context allowed me to carry this comfort and confidence to another: my interest in women.

My fantasies about threesomes began to focus more on what it would be like to be with a woman, rather than what it would be like to be one of two women with a man. And so on.

By 2017, I was at a place in my life where I was actively working through childhood trauma, unpacking beliefs I had, and learning let go of an image that society wanted me to be.

All of which led me to meeting and creating absolutely beautiful friendships. I was surrounded by people who supported me, accepted me, and made me feel comfortable with exploring this piece of my sexuality.

From there, it was a matter of time before I was not only accepting of my interest in women, but ready to explore.

Through Instagram, I connected with someone, a man whose work I’d admired for years. To put it bluntly: I slid into his DMs. We developed a (mostly) professional dialogue, and when the opportunity presented itself to go to a seminar he was speaking at in NYC, I jumped at the chance.

Before I booked my flight, he said that he wanted to be clear and that he was enjoying developing our friendship, but currently had no desires or expectations beyond that. I’d had a crush on him for years, but agreed that keeping it professional was best.

At this point, he revealed two things to me: firstly, that he had a partner with whom he was completely in love; and secondly, that they were polyamorous and the relationship was open.

My weekend in New York was amazing. They were kind and generous, we had fun and built a strong connection.

For the next few months, I visited them and learned more about their relationship, about polyamory, and about sexuality.

The woman in the relationship, was (is) amazing in every way. My crush on her was instant. By the time I met her she was openly bisexual, but it turned out that she’d had an upbringing very similar to my own. The Catholicism, coupled with having been raised in the south, led her to shut off or ignore her desires. For a long while, she felt intense discomfort with the idea of exploring with women. And because we related on that level it made it even easier for me. I felt like it was okay that I had all these feelings, like I wasn’t the only one who went through this and dealt with this.

Shortly after meeting these two, things ended with the person I’d been dating. The rest is reasonably predictable: the attraction between us had grown, as had the comfort, and I had my first sexual experience with a woman and my first threesome in the same evening.

That woman became my girlfriend and that man became my boyfriend. And I learned more about myself in that relationship than I ever thought possible.

I interpret my sexual identity as bisexual, but I’m aware that may expand to something else as I continue to explore myself. And where that once would have filled me with fear and shame, now there is only excitement and curiosity.

I want to end this by letting any of you who are struggling with their sexual identity: it’s okay that it’s scary and uncomfortable and troubling. But you are not alone and there is a community of people out there who are willing to help you work through it.

XX

Devi

Is Father's Day Difficult For You, Too?

I haven’t talked to my biological father in about 5 years—by choice.

Choosing something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s easier—sometimes it makes even harder. You begin to question things like:

“Was that the right decision?”

“Am I just being stubborn?”

“Should I practice forgiveness?”

These are all things I’ve contemplated and tried moving through over the course of the separation.

I think about my father…every, single, day. Usually it’s just a thought that pops up for only a minute, but occasionally I get lost in the thought—especially on holidays, but more specifically on a day like yesterday; a day that is dedicated to celebrating fathers.

Father’s Day is easily one of the toughest days of the year for me. It consists of pain, letdown and heartache.

There is this notion that claims over time things get easier, because time allows opportunity for you to forget, to heal, and to move forward. That hasn’t been the case for me—it’s honestly grown to be harder.

Yesterday, I decided to distract myself by keeping busy; I thought staying preoccupied would prevent me from falling into emotional misery. But the minute I stepped foot in my apartment after being gone all day, it hit me—my body started to shake, anxiety was trapped in my chest, and breathing felt difficult. Thoughts started racing in my head and I’d get lost in every single one of them.

Did he think about me today? I wonder what his thoughts were if he did. Was he angry? Was he sad?

Did he feel the urge to call me? Did he even want to hear from me? Did he want me to call him? Or did he want me to leave him in peace?

How is he doing? What’s new in his life? Is he happy?

What would our relationship look like now? Would he be proud of me? Or would he feel the same way he’s always felt...disappointed and ashamed?

I know I can easily find out the answers if I just pick up the phone and dial his number, but I can’t muster up the courage to do so—it’s too triggering, too scary, too complicated.


And I’m just not ready to face it.


This is easily the most vulnerable piece I’ve ever written for the world to read, mainly because I am terrified he will read it. I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m writing this because I know that some of you have a similar relationship with your father or your mother or even both and to let you know that I understand how heavy these days can be for you.

I want you to know that whatever you’re feeling, it’s not wrong.

Don’t beat yourself up about how you feel because it’s allowed to be hard. It’s okay that you feel anger, grief and despair. It’s okay that you’re too scared to call, to hear their voice, to have the conversation.

Let yourself experience those feelings and acknowledge those thoughts instead of shoving them down and ignoring them. Because sometimes, throwing your face into a pillow and shredding to tears makes you feel one percent better. It did for me yesterday, and I believe it can for you, too.

I understand some of your pain and I’m holding space for you through this difficult time.

I love you,

Devi

Choose People Who Choose You

The people you surround yourself with matter.

They can tear you apart, stomp on your confidence, damage your self esteem, try to mold you into something you’re not, shame you for who you are, and spit you out making you feel like you were worth nothing.

I’ve been there. I know what that feels like.

And the magical thing is that you have a choice. You can either keep choosing someone like that, or you can choose someone who:

Heightens your confidence.
Accepts all the quirkiness.
Never puts pressure on you and allows you to make decisions when you’re ready.
Gives you reassurance when you need it most.
Encourages you to do things you’re afraid of, but you know it’s necessary.
Makes you feel safe, especially in your most vulnerable states.
Helps you unpack your own insecurities and never judges you for them.
Reminds you of how much you have to offer the world.
Inspires you to be better.
Empowers you to show up living your truth.
Opens up space for you with nothing but compassion.
Lets you own the fuck out of who you are and never shames you for it.
Buys you Reese’s Cups—not mandatory, but definitely a bonus.

Most importantly, someone who chooses you, for you and never tries to change you. Because darling, you deserve that and nothing less.

You are not under any obligation to stay in a relationship—it is all but a choice.

You don't just hangout with someone, you choose to hangout with someone. You choose to spend your time investing in someone. You choose to be around them and let them be around you.

So take a moment to carefully examine each relationship in your life. Ask yourself:

Do I have to keep my guard up? Or do I feel safe?

Do I show up being my most authentic self? Or do I hide under a mask?

Do they push me to be better? Or shame me instead?

Do they encourage me to play big? Or keep me small?

Do you feel happy the majority of the time? Or sad?

Do they enhance my life? Or detract from it?

Do they invest in our relationship? Or am I the only one putting in effort?

Do they speak truth? Or do they lie?

Do they heighten my confidence? Or belittle me?

Do they add value to my life?

These are all serious questions to consider.

And I want to preference this by saying I know that severing relationships is never easy, but your life will flourish in a myriad of ways when you start choosing people who choose you. So choose wisely and choose carefully.

XO

Devi