being alone

The Fear of Being Alone

When I moved from NYC to California, I was confronted with one of my fears: being alone.

Being alone meant sitting with my thoughts, feelings, insecurities, fears, heartbreak, and trauma from the past; the things I didn’t want to process because I knew it’d painful and uncomfortable.

So, I avoided it by being in relationships.

I was that person who jumped from one relationship to the next without giving myself space to process the severing of the last one.

^ not the best decision, because what happens is you carry the trash from the last relationship into the next and create a mess.

And because I jumped into relationships, I was basically saying, “I know we just met and I don’t really know you yet, but you give me attention and check *some* of my boxes... so uh, yeah, let’s be an exclusive thing?!”

I was settling and finding myself in unfulfilling partnerships. I’d either be with someone I only *kinda* liked. Or, I’d be in toxic relationships (the toxicity sometimes created by my own shit), because that pain was familiar and more comfortable than facing the unfamiliar pain of being alone.

But then, I moved across the country to live in an empty space, with my empty heart. And sure, I could’ve numbed with distractions that weren’t people, but I decided to explore what I habitually escaped from. To get curious about it and ask myself why I was afraid of it.

And so I did. And it was hard. And it brought up A LOT of shit. And I cried myself to sleep almost every single night for a month straight.

And...
...I lived.

Because pain is ephemeral.

This process taught me the importance of being alone and how to do it, but it also taught me to stop running away from my pain.

Pain is one of your greatest teachers and growth usually comes from the lowest places in your life.

And fuuuck. I came out wiser, stronger, and happier than ever before. Oh, and I discovered how much I actually love being alone.

My challenge for you is to ask: what pain am I running away from and why? Stop resisting and start exploring. Get curious, because there’s lessons in the pain⚡️

xx

Devi

Being Single

When I visited Colorado last month, I realized as I spontaneously booked my flight a week in advance, I didn’t have to tell anyone I was leaving.

I could just book it without anyone’s permission (not that it’s needed, but inside a relationship, out of respect some sort of conversation should be had).

It was the first time, in a long time, I traveled while being single. And that thought kept coming up for me throughout the entirety of the trip.

I didn’t have to tell anyone I was leaving.
I didn’t have to let anyone know I got in safe.
I didn’t have to tell anyone what I was doing or who I was doing it with.
I didn’t have to checkin with someone throughout the course of the day or at the end of the night.
I didn’t even need to tell someone, hey I’m home now.

I could do it all without thinking about someone else and that feeling crystallized so much for me.

As someone who was always in a relationship, I felt a sense of freedom I haven’t experienced in a very long time.

I could do whatever I wanted, when I wanted it, without considering how it would effect someone else’s feelings.

And that felt really good.

Then, it occurred to me, all this time I was afraid of being single, because being single—to me—meant all these empty spaces.

But, looking through an optimistic lens, those empty spaces really just leave more room for freedom. To maybe do stuff I didn’t have time for in a relationship. To try new things. To pick up new hobbies. To spend more time focusing on me and what *I* wanted to do.

Being single ultimately gives you a different taste of freedom and more time to discover who you are and what you want—externally of someone else. And that’s a beautiful thing.

#PerspectiveShift #SingleLife #ItsAGreatLife
#Freedom