It’s been a little over two years since I severely suffered from an eating disorder and body dysmorphia. And fuck. That struggle was life shattering in all the ways something can be, because it affected so many areas of my life.
Hating my body started in my earliest days, too. And the more and more I became aware of my body, the more and more that feeling intensified.
There were so many factors that lead into this. To start, I watched other women in my life obsess over their bodies and listened to them shame themselves for not being small enough.
That had it’s own effect and in a way programmed me to believe that was normal behavior.
Mixed with that, there was (still is) social pressure to look a certain way; constantly inundated with images and messages on how you should look. You’re spoon fed the idea that if you want to be loved, popular, successful, celebrated, happy...you MUST live up to these flawless expectations.
And I tried and I never achieved it, because it’s impossible. Because perfection doesn’t exist. Because what you see is distorted and photoshopped.
But, at the time, I didn’t have that awareness, so I grew to hate my body even more. And that hate and obsession is what catalyzed my eating disorder.
This a huge epidemic so many face, and it’s no surprise as to why. We’re taught how to hate ourselves. To berate ourselves, judge ourselves, be hard on ourselves, and constantly change ourselves.
Instead of being taught to accept, while striving to be the best version of ourselves—in a compassionate and loving way.
Once I realized that for myself, I had to spend time digging, unpacking, and relearning years of conditioning. And anyone who says that process is easy, they’re lying to you. It’s not. Loving yourself is hard because you’re told day in and day out not to.
I want to remind you not to hate yourself FOR hating yourself, because it isn’t your fault. To practice being gentler with yourself a little more everyday. To practice replacing hate with something neutral, as opposed to jumping right into something positive. To practice, even when resistance comes in. To practice, because you deserve it. Because you’re worth it.