mental health

Are You Playing Victim?

On November 19th of last year, I left Manhattan, a relationship, and my best friends to move across the country to a place I’d only ever visited once.

I was feeling...heartbroken, afraid, proud, uncertain, overwhelmed, hopeful...all the things; all of them except, ready.

Moving to the city was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made—so was leaving. And that wasn’t exactly a choice I wanted to make, but it was one I knew I needed to make.

I no longer wanted to watch myself play victim as I crumbled in the process of it.

I couldn’t bare to hear myself complain and repeat the same conversation about what I wasn’t happy with one more time.

I was done pretending like I couldn’t fix what was happening. Done acting like I could point fingers, when in reality...there was only one person to blame and that was myself.

Because ultimately, it was my choice. It was my decision to stay in a place with a person who hurt me, repeatedly.

And so I *finally* decided that I didn’t want what I was choosing and I chose something else and that’s when I chose California.

Choices like these aren’t always easy. And even when we know it’s a choice we need to make, we can feel resistant and dubious about our decision—I for sure did.

Sometimes I wish people could’ve see me when I was in the middle of my suffering.

To hear the several conversations I exchanged with friends complaining about the exact same problem and not creating any solutions.

To feel the strength of the fear sitting inside me when I decided to move. To witness the many times I almost convinced myself to stay.

To watch me cry the minute I left my NYC apartment until I rested my head on the pillow and fell asleep in my new & empty Cali apartment.

To realize that I’m just as guilty of playing victim, too. To know I struggled, because IG didn’t capture that. But it is the truth and I’m sharing that with you now.

Sharing because I want to encourage you to do the same. To leave whatever it is that’s hurting you—people, places, jobs, thoughts, beliefs—because you deserve it. Because there’s more to this life than what you’ve been choosing. 🖤

It’s not going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it.

F*ck Your Positivity

How many times have you heard the following when you were in the midsts of undesirable situation or an uncomfortable feeling?

𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒔𝒆𝒕.
𝑱𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇.
𝑩𝒆 𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒗𝒆.
𝑩𝒆 𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒇𝒖𝒍.

Don’t get me wrong, these things 𝘤𝘢𝘯 help.

But, it’s usually not the first solution, especially when you’re so far in it. All these overly optimistic statements are frustrating because it invalidates your pain and someone just slathered simplicity on a complex problem.

And you want nothing more than to tell them and their optimism to fuck all the way off—rightfully so.

You don’t always have to view the world with your rose-colored glasses. You can see things for what they are and accept the fact that the circumstance is undesirable.

There doesn’t have to be a bright side or a positive in everything. It can simply just suck. You can say, “𝖨 𝗁𝖺𝗍𝖾 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝖺𝖻𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌.”

You can complain.
You can cry.
You can panic.
You can scream and stomp your feet and have an outburst of resentment.

You’re feeling your feelings and vocalizing what’s real for you—that’s the healthy thing to do; even when those feelings are full of pain, negativity, and arouse indignation.

Sometimes the answer is to live in the suckage for a day or two and honor it and everything that comes with it.

And only then, when you’ve expressed and released your frustration—it’ll be easier to make that mental shift, or to at least have clarity on what the next solution is to the problem.

Battling Depression & Seeking Support

Recently, I experienced depression in a way I’ve never felt before. It was darker, heavier, and emptier than ever.

I’m no stranger to seasonal depression, but this state wasn’t that. It was something entirely different—and for me, far more intense. I didn’t just feel low, I felt empty.

It felt like a dementor came and sucked the life right out of me.

Everything felt unusually challenging. From writing, to using words...to thinking of words. From easy day-to-day tasks, to showing up to things that usually fill me up. From hanging out with friends, to just texting friends.

Even the simple act of moving my body from the bed suddenly wasn’t so simple.

It was all too much and too hard. It was paralyzing and isolating.

The newness of this feeling for me is what made the navigation of it so challenging; I hated that, because I couldn’t help myself and I’m typically really good at processing my emotions on my own.

And the heavier it got, the more I wanted to barricade in my bedroom and hide.

Reaching out didn’t feel like an option. And that was also strange, because I’m not one who shies away from support.

“Fuck. What is this. Why can’t I bring myself to do anything.”

Luckily, in that time, I had people who knew something wasn’t okay.

And it then became clear to me: depression is a feeling that requires support and that’s the hardest thing to ask for when you’re in that closed off space.

You want nothing more than to escape, to hide, and to shut off.

But I want to encourage you to send that text. To say, “Hey, I need support.” “Hey, I need a push.” “Hey, I need comfort.” “Hey, I need loved.”

To ask people to checkin and provide that help when you’re struggling to move from the bed.

You’re not a burden. You’re a human, experiencing an emotion that requires love, support, and connection.

But this post isn’t just for those who experience depression, this post is especially for those who know those who experience depression. Reach out. Checkin in. Consistently. Regularly. Let them know they’re loved and supported.

We’re in this together. We need each other.

Devi