Mindset // Mental Health

Is This How You Want to Spend Your Life?

There’s one thing in life we all know that’s absolutely guaranteed: 𝐢𝐭’𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐝.

𝚈𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎...
...𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝.

Within a second, your life will flash before your eyes. 𝘈𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘵. 𝘈𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝗚𝗼𝗻𝗲. It’s finished with nothing more to add, nothing more to say. Your story completely written to the very last page and to the very last word.

Truism I sit with frequently. It serves as a loving punch to be present and live more full.

A reminder that forces me out of my suffering. To leave the places that hurt me. To be intentional with how I spend each moment of my existence. To be aware of the thoughts I believe and the ones I should relinquish. To be choosey about where I spend my energy. To be picky about the people I surround myself with. To stop ruminating on things that don’t matter and stressing about the future.

𝗧𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲, 𝙣𝙤𝙬.

Life is beautiful and it’s short. Take full advantage of it while you have it, because it’s all over, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵.

Ask yourself today: 𝙸𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚢 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚘𝚞𝚜 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎?

Being Judged for Eating Healthy

Oooh, I’m sorry. Did eating this, offend you?

Show of hands if you’ve ever received criticism from friends or family for eating healthier? 🙋‍♀️

“𝙾𝚑, 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚛𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚝𝚑𝚢.”
“𝙲𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚘𝚗. 𝙹𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚊 𝚋𝚒𝚝𝚎.”
“𝙴𝚊𝚝 𝚊 𝚋𝚞𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚛.”
“𝙸 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚗 𝚊 𝚍𝚒𝚎𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚊𝚗’𝚝 𝚎𝚊𝚝.”

They single you out and judge you because you’re choosing to make empowered choices for your body. 𝐋𝐎𝐋. Like, 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 take care of yourself. That’s sooooooo weird.

How fucked. Am I right?

I totally get how uncomfortable this feels, especially if you’re in the very beginning stages of making mindful choices. The constant nit-picking creates pressure making you second guess and can leave you feeling embarrassed.

Don’t let it, boo. You’re taking care of yourself and you should never feel guilty or ashamed for doing so.

Their judgements and criticism is about them, not about you. You’re a mirror reflecting something back to them that they don’t want to face. It’s showing them an insecurity and bringing up their own stuff about self-care. Deep down, they’re upset with themselves for failing to take responsibility of their own health.

But instead of making changes—like you are—they try to drag you down with them, so they project on you.

Nonetheless, even with that awareness, it’s annoying and frustrating. So, here are some responses to help navigate the situation with more ease:

>> “I’m not hungry, but thank you for offering.”
>> “This way of eating really works for me and I feel great, so I’m gunna keep doing it.“
>> “I don’t judge you for what you put in your body, so why do you feel the need to judge me?”
>> “Yeah...you’re right. How dare I take care of my body, that’s sooooo weird.”
>> “The food I put in my body doesn’t effect you, so I’m not really sure why you care? You should probably unpack whatever it is that’s coming up for you and figure out why my dietary choices upset you so much.

^^ (The last part is optional, but I like to be a passive aggressive bitch sometimes 🤷‍♀️).

Cheers to taking care of yourself and forgetting about what others have to say about it.

XX

Devi

Being Single

When I visited Colorado last month, I realized as I spontaneously booked my flight a week in advance, I didn’t have to tell anyone I was leaving.

I could just book it without anyone’s permission (not that it’s needed, but inside a relationship, out of respect some sort of conversation should be had).

It was the first time, in a long time, I traveled while being single. And that thought kept coming up for me throughout the entirety of the trip.

I didn’t have to tell anyone I was leaving.
I didn’t have to let anyone know I got in safe.
I didn’t have to tell anyone what I was doing or who I was doing it with.
I didn’t have to checkin with someone throughout the course of the day or at the end of the night.
I didn’t even need to tell someone, hey I’m home now.

I could do it all without thinking about someone else and that feeling crystallized so much for me.

As someone who was always in a relationship, I felt a sense of freedom I haven’t experienced in a very long time.

I could do whatever I wanted, when I wanted it, without considering how it would effect someone else’s feelings.

And that felt really good.

Then, it occurred to me, all this time I was afraid of being single, because being single—to me—meant all these empty spaces.

But, looking through an optimistic lens, those empty spaces really just leave more room for freedom. To maybe do stuff I didn’t have time for in a relationship. To try new things. To pick up new hobbies. To spend more time focusing on me and what *I* wanted to do.

Being single ultimately gives you a different taste of freedom and more time to discover who you are and what you want—externally of someone else. And that’s a beautiful thing.

#PerspectiveShift #SingleLife #ItsAGreatLife
#Freedom

Jealousy is Your Best Friend

“But don’t you get jealous?!” A question I perpetually get asked when I bring up polyamory or non-monogamy.

The answer? Yes, sometimes I do. I’m human.

Jealousy is inevitable—for all of us. It doesn’t matter if you’re in an open dynamic, a closed dynamic, or if you’re in a relationship at all.

This is a feeling that arises for each one of us. And the problem isn’t experiencing it, the problem is most of us are afraid to feel it. We dodge it, avoid it, suppress it, or...we blame the person who brought it out in us and try to control the circumstance to shut the feeling down.

Sometimes we even identify with it, “I’m just a jealous person.”

^^ No, actually you’re a human—experiencing an emotion.

I want to invite you to view jealousy through a different lens, because this uncomfortable emotion is actually your friend. The type of friend who deeply cares about you, so they tell you exactly what you need to hear, and it’s usually the things you don’t want to hear. They don’t present it wrapped up in a pretty bow, they’re blunt and straight forward and sometimes it stings. BUT. You needed to hear it.

Jealousy shows you what you need to work on or what you need to work through to help you become a more confident version of yourself. So rather than dismissing it, in all the ways you often do—feel it and lean into it.

Question why it’s coming up for you and take the time to understand where it’s coming from and what it’s trying to tell you.

The process can look like this:

Why is this coming up for me? Does this person have something I want? Do I feel like they’re better than me? Am I afraid my partner will leave me for someone else?



Why do I feel that way? And what does that mean?



Do I need to realize my worth? Do I need to feel more secure in myself?

OR

Does this person have something I really want? And I’m projecting because I’m actually just upset with myself for not working toward it.



Jealousy can be used as a wake up call to finally go after what you really want OR feedback on things you need to work through internally.

Don’t let the discomfort of jealousy steer you away. It’s here to help you, boo. ⚡️

"Coming Out" Without a Label

Am I bisexual? A question I sat with and ruminated over for months. Coming out, for some, is easier, because they just know. For others—myself included—it takes time, because they don’t know.

All I knew was that the attraction was there, but I didn’t know how far that attraction went. I kissed women in the past, but kissing a woman is one thing, exploring her body is a whole other thing.

In October of 2017 I had my first experience with a woman. Instantly, it became clear to me that it wasn’t just admiration, it was more.

But here’s the catch...

Three months passed by, and at this point, I knew I loved being with women (I was even in polyamorous relationship with one), but I was uncertain about what that meant.

Does this make me bi? Could I be something other than bi? Would I be with a woman romantically, if a man wasn’t involved? WHAT THE FUCK DO I IDENTIFY AS?

I felt overwhelmingly frustrated and bemused which equated to hiding it. I didn’t talk about my experiences...or my girlfriend.

It wasn’t due to shame, it was more or so that I didn’t feel comfortable claiming a label....yet. And I knew if I did talk about it, people would ask, “So are you bi?!?!” “Are you gay?!?” “WHAT ARE YOU?!?!”

I didn’t want to be pried with questions I didn’t have the answers too. So, I avoided it all together.

My then-partners told me something extremely helpful and it made my “coming out” process a hell of a lot easier:

You don’t need a label in order to “come out” or to talk about the things that make you happy. People want black and white answers, but it isn’t your job to give it to them.

So, for awhile, it was just, “I’m Devon and I like both men and women.” If they asked for more, I just said, “I don’t know.”

^^ and there’s nothing wrong with that answer.

We get so wrapped up in labels and identities, which can create unnecessary stress, pressure, and removes the joy from the freedom of expression.

Don’t let labels or meanings keep you from exploring your sexuality. You’re YOU. And whatever you do doesn’t have to mean anything.

You’re more than welcome to claim a label...WHEN and IF it feels right, but you’re not obligated to take that on ⚡

On Taking Things Personally

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words CAN hurt me. When someone says something unkind to me or has a poor opinion of me, admittedly, it does occasionally hurt me.

I’m by no means immune to peoples spiteful words, actions, or opinions. It inflicts pain from time to time.

And that’s okay. It’s okay if someone’s words cause upset. It’s okay to say, “Fuck. That really hurt to hear from you, because I *do* actually care about your opinion of me.”

Now, while I do wholeheartedly agree it’s important to operate from a place of internal validation. And, to also internalize that whatever someone says to you is a projection and a reflection of them...
...that doesn’t go without saying, you can still care about external opinions and sometimes, it can actually be useful to take things personally.

I think we’re doing a disservice to ourselves when we pretend it doesn’t hurt and when we write everything off as “it’s not about me.”

Here’s the thing: typically, the reason peoples opinions and words hurt us is because somewhere inside us we hold it as true about ourselves...or at least used to.

Or because we just fucking care. That’s okay, too.

But, rather than dismissing everything, I invite you to take a closer look as to WHY it does hurt you and WHY you are taking it personally.

Like I said, it can be extremely useful and an excellent tool to help with your growth and your healing.

You can see it as positive criticism, feedback, and data to help you discover what you need to work on or what you need to work through.

For example, let’s say they call you out for sucking at something, this could be an opportunity for you to WORK ON it. Or maybe, they say something negative about your body, and that could be a sign you have body image insecurities you need to WORK THROUGH. Or perhaps, if you’re taking everything personally—that’s a huge wake up call, saying, “Baby girl, you need to work on cultivating self-confidence and start seeking more internal validation.”

So, yeah, it *can* be helpful. It *can* be a tool for our growth. But also, don’t forget... sometimes, you do actually just need to tell someone to go fuck themselves. 🤪🖤☠️

Why NOT Setting Goals is Necessary

Over the past year, I haven’t tracked my macros or followed a fitness program, intentionally. I‘ve kinda sorta been in “maintenance.” In other words, I still showed up to my workouts and ate mindfully, but I’ve been relaxed about it.

...sometimes a little too relaxed. And it was very much needed.

Since high school, I’ve been consistently following protocols and constantly working toward a goal: lose body fat, build muscle, gain strength. I was perpetually going from one goal to the next.

That shit gets exhausting after awhile. And to be frank, I felt a bit jaded by the monotony of it all; going to the gym, lifting shit, putting it down, plugging my food into a calculator, tracking my progressions.

So, I decided to refrain from goal setting and kinda just do whatever the fuck I felt like doing. Sometimes that meant 15 minutes workouts, other times it meant 45 minutes, and occasionally it just meant moving my body to a few songs.

Listen, you don’t have to be doing and achieving all the time. Too often, we jump from task to task, goal to goal. As a result, we wind up bunt out, and yet despite our exhaustion, we continue to hustle.

I want to invite you to slow down. To do less. To just play. To have fun. To stop taking things in life so seriously, especially your damn fitness routine.

Chill the fuck out.

Slow is ok. Doing less or even nothing at all is ok. Change is ok. Being lazy is ok. In fact, it’s necessary. You’re human and human bodies don’t function well under loads of stress. You need rest. You need time from doing. You need space to recenter. Not just on your fitness journey, but from everything in life.

Give yourself those *mandatory* breaks. You deserve it. You need it.

To chilling the fuck out,

Devi

Getting Out of An Abusive Relationship

“You’re not stuck here. You’re choosing to stay here.” A rude awakening to say the least. These were the exact words I said to myself when I found myself in an abusive relationship.

We don’t walk into a partnership with someone knowing they’re going to abuse us. In the beginning, even with an abuser, it’s beautiful and they treat you beautifully. Being with them makes you feel like pure ecstasy is running through your body. You’re beaming with love and excitement and happiness.

But, somewhere down the line, when people get 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 comfortable—they take off their masks. And sometimes, underneath that it isn’t so pretty.

I’ve grown up watching people who are close to me be in abusive relationships. You would think I would know if I was in one. However, for the longest time, I didn’t... but perhaps, that’s because it was a different type of abuse.

Many of us, including myself for a while, have this erroneous assumption that abuse is only physical. But it’s not. It can be verbal and emotional.

𝐒𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞: manipulation, control, gaslighting, intimidation, humiliation, treating you like a servant and putting most responsibilities on you, keeping you from work, making threats to hurt themself, smashing or destroying things, making you feel afraid and unsafe.

And... when do call them out, they’ll try to justify it. They’ll minimize or deny or blame the behavior on you.

You stay, because well for starters, they’re really good at changing your mind. They change the narrative to change your mind, perpetually. But also, it’s either a familiar cycle from your past or because you’re in love. Because you’re so far invested. Because you see changes in them, and when you see those slivers of change—it gives you hope.

I’ve been in two abusive relationships and I know how hard it is to leave. Especially when they feed you all the poetic bullshit, like: You’re the only one who gets me, understands me, knows how to show up for me. You make me feel safe, seen, and heard. You’re special. You’re not like anyone else. I’m doing my best to change and break my patterns. Please don’t give up on me.

Here’s the thing: abusers say they’re going to change. And they do...for awhile, until they don’t. Until they have you back in their grips, and then they repeat the same patterns and behaviors...over and over again.

That’s how part of the cycle works.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, I want you to know it doesn’t mean you’re weak. You’re likely a deeply compassionate and understanding individual. You feel for them and want to help them.

But also know: it’s not your job to fix them, it’s theirs. Their job. Their work. Their responsibility.

You’ve done enough. You’ve had enough.

There’s a way out. I promise. You’re not stuck. Leaving is hard—trust me, I know—but staying is even harder.

Please don’t let them convince you otherwise. You deserve so much more than this. There’s other options waiting for you.

You are self-sourced, independent, resourceful, and capable of taking care of yourself.

You are worth so much more than what they’ll ever give you. You deserve to be treated like the god damn queen that you are.

You’ve got this, babe. I believe in you.

Confession: I Like to Eat Food, Naked.

It was a December month in NYC, I decided to order Italian food in, rather than going out and having to face the brisk, cold air. While I waited for the delivery, I had sex with my then-partner because what’s better than food showing up after sex?

...but really, food post sex is the best—just saying.

I was sitting on the couch, completely naked, after devouring chicken parmesan.

And then, suddenly...it hit me.

How comfortable I felt in my body and how profoundly different that allowed me to show up.

I sat sprawled out, full belly and all—without self-deprecation. I could let every part of me be seen without the worry of what I looked like.

Years before this, eating while being naked or just being naked in general, wasn’t something I felt comfortable doing.

There’s this quote that says, “Need motivation to lose weight? Just eat in front of the mirror. Naked.“

When I first read that, I was a teenager and at the time, it seemed like great advice. Now, I understand how truly FUCKED up that quote is.

But that quote carried with me and played a massive role in how I felt in my skin. I believed my body wasn’t worthy of food, wasn’t worthy of love, wasn’t worthy of being seen in its rawest form...until I looked a certain way.

Yet, in that exact moment and even now, it’s not uncommon for me to get up from having sex, say, “I’m hungry,” and scurry off to the kitchen, naked, to eat.

What’s changed? I didn’t change my body, I changed my beliefs.

We go throughout our years believing our bodies are flawed and it traps us from experiencing some of life’s most precious gifts:

Love.
Sex.
Connection.
Intimacy.
Food.

You’ve been conditioned to think you’re flawed, but you’re not. The truth is the beliefs you attach to your body are flawed. And the wonderful thing is, you have the power to change those beliefs. You can pluck them from their roots and plant new.

You are worthy of love. Worthy of having orgasmic sex. Worthy of creating strong connections. Worthy of experiencing intimacy. Worthy of eating delicious food.

You don’t have to hustle to look a certain way in order to be worthy, to be seen, to be loved.

You’re worthy. Now and always.

Devi

Overcoming an Eating Disorder

Food controlled about five years of my life. For those who don’t know, I suffered from a life-shattering eating disorder.

It all started in high school. I wanted to change my body to fit society’s fucked up standards of beauty. So, I started dieting. Obsessively. I was constantly following something and I tried just about everything. Juice cleanses. Low carb. Low fat. Paleo. Vegan. The military diet. Weight Watchers. Keto. Calorie restricting. There was even a week when I only ate baby food (😣).

I’d follow these diets for a week or two at a time, and when I “messed up” or deprivation sank in—I ate anything I could get my hands on. If there wasn’t enough food at home, I’d go to the grocery store to buy more.

Let me clarify: Binging is NOT Thanksgiving. It is NOT overeating. It’s eating a meal, and then scavenging through your cabinets to see what else you can eat; cookies, ice cream, bread, peanut butter, rice cakes—all in one sitting. You might start munching on food you don’t like. And after an episode of binging, you can’t move. You’ve stuffed yourself to the point of overwhelming discomfort.

For the longest time, I didn’t even realize it was an eating disorder. I assumed I couldn’t “get my shit together.” That I just needed to learn to control myself. But that wasn’t actually the case.

You see, an eating disorder is much deeper than having willpower around food. It’s a mask that disguises your insecurities, your pain, and your suffering. For some, it’s a coping mechanism to numb. For others, like myself, it‘s caused by body dysmorphia.

An eating disorder is not fixed by “fixing” your body or following a diet you can finally adhere to.

Recovery involves the unpacking of why and how it developed. It’s addressing the underlying issue and dismantling through all the narratives that are robbing you from feeling normal around food and in your body.

Healing isn’t linear, either. This journey is full of disarray; ups and downs. But healing is possible. I’m walking example and if you’re struggling, you will be one day, too. I believe in you. There is freedom. I promise.

Keep going. Keep trying. Keep believing.

Devi