Relationships

F*ck Being the Cool Girl.

๐™๐™ช๐™˜๐™  ๐—ฏ๐—ฒ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด โ€œ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—ผ๐—น ๐—ด๐—ถ๐—ฟ๐—น.โ€
โ €
Fuck being that girl who forgets about *her* standards; who dismisses someoneโ€™s wrongdoings; who doesnโ€™t want to come off confrontational, dramatic, bitchy, toooo much.
โ €
The one who sits there and questions...
โ €
๐˜š๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ ๐˜ค๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ญ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฎ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ต? ๐˜š๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ญ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฎ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ? ๐˜ž๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ญ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜บ ๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ฐ๐˜ฑ ๐˜ต๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ฌ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ช๐˜ง ๐˜ ๐˜ด๐˜ข๐˜บ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ? ๐˜š๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ญ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฎ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ ๐˜ ๐˜ง๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ? ๐˜š๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ ๐˜ข๐˜ด๐˜ฌ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฎ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ด๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ ๐˜ถ๐˜ฑ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜บ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ? ๐˜š๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ ๐˜ข๐˜ด๐˜ฌ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฎ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜จ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ต ๐˜ข๐˜จ๐˜ข๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ช๐˜ต?
โ €
...and then concludes the questioning with, โ€œnah, just be cool.โ€
โ €
FUCK THAT.
โ €
๐˜๐จ๐ฎ ๐ญ๐ž๐š๐œ๐ก ๐จ๐ญ๐ก๐ž๐ซ๐ฌ ๐ก๐จ๐ฐ ๐ญ๐จ ๐ซ๐ž๐ฌ๐ฉ๐ž๐œ๐ญ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ.
โ €
If youโ€™re constantly playing it cool, being the easy-going, people-pleaserโ€”youโ€™re not going to receive the treatment you want and inevitably will wind up disappointed.
โ €
Being the โ€œgirl coolโ€ is basically saying... I donโ€™t respect myself. I donโ€™t have beliefs or values that oppose yours, I agree with everything you say. I donโ€™t have standards or boundaries so you can do whatever you want, and Iโ€™ll be okay with it. You can show up whenever itโ€™s convenient for you, and Iโ€™ll be available.
โ €
Itโ€™s time to stop putting on the โ€œgirl coolโ€ facade and pretending like itโ€™s all okay, when you know itโ€™s not.
โ €
Be the girl who stands up for yourself.
The girl who speaks up and vocalizes when things arenโ€™t okay.
The girl who declares boundaries and stands firmly behind them, especially when theyโ€™re pushed.
The girl who doesnโ€™t tolerate shitty treatment. The girl who is smart enough, strong enough, and brave enough to walk away because her worth isnโ€™t defined by someone else. Because she knows she deserves better. Because she knows what she wants and wonโ€™t settle for less.
โ €
Youโ€™re a goddamn queen, not the cool girl.
โ €
Ya hear me?

Battling Depression & Seeking Support

Recently, I experienced depression in a way Iโ€™ve never felt before. It was darker, heavier, and emptier than ever.

Iโ€™m no stranger to seasonal depression, but this state wasnโ€™t that. It was something entirely differentโ€”and for me, far more intense. I didnโ€™t just feel low, I felt empty.

It felt like a dementor came and sucked the life right out of me.

Everything felt unusually challenging. From writing, to using words...to thinking of words. From easy day-to-day tasks, to showing up to things that usually fill me up. From hanging out with friends, to just texting friends.

Even the simple act of moving my body from the bed suddenly wasnโ€™t so simple.

It was all too much and too hard. It was paralyzing and isolating.

The newness of this feeling for me is what made the navigation of it so challenging; I hated that, because I couldnโ€™t help myself and Iโ€™m typically really good at processing my emotions on my own.

And the heavier it got, the more I wanted to barricade in my bedroom and hide.

Reaching out didnโ€™t feel like an option. And that was also strange, because Iโ€™m not one who shies away from support.

โ€œFuck. What is this. Why canโ€™t I bring myself to do anything.โ€
โ €
Luckily, in that time, I had people who knew something wasnโ€™t okay.

And it then became clear to me: depression is a feeling that requires support and thatโ€™s the hardest thing to ask for when youโ€™re in that closed off space.

You want nothing more than to escape, to hide, and to shut off.

But I want to encourage you to send that text. To say, โ€œHey, I need support.โ€ โ€œHey, I need a push.โ€ โ€œHey, I need comfort.โ€ โ€œHey, I need loved.โ€

To ask people to checkin and provide that help when youโ€™re struggling to move from the bed.

Youโ€™re not a burden. Youโ€™re a human, experiencing an emotion that requires love, support, and connection.

But this post isnโ€™t just for those who experience depression, this post is especially for those who know those who experience depression. Reach out. Checkin in. Consistently. Regularly. Let them know theyโ€™re loved and supported.

Weโ€™re in this together. We need each other.

Devi

Are You Dependent on Others Approval and Validation?

๐€ ๐‚๐Ž๐๐‚๐„๐๐“ ๐Ÿ’ก๐˜ž๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ช๐˜ง... the attention and care and approval youโ€™re desperate to receive from someone else, is exactly what youโ€™re failing to give yourself?

Pause and ruminate on that for a moment.

Did it ring loudly in your ears like it did for me? What a concept, am I right? This notion that every need and desire you crave from another human are the very things you need to give to yourself.

The love.
The affection.
The undivided attention.
The quality time.
The words of affirmation.
The thoughtful gifts.
The acceptance.
The sโ‚ฌx.

All of it can be given to you, by you (๐Ÿคฏ).

When we depend on others to validate us, to love us, to hear us, and to support usโ€”it leads to our demise. We end up in a constant search, lacking fulfillment, always needing more, never feeling like weโ€™re enough, and completely losing ourselves.

And itโ€™s because weโ€™re searching outside ourselves; everything we need can be found looking inward.

You donโ€™t need anyone to give you what you want, you have the means to give it to yourself. And then, when someone else adds to your cup of love, it overflows because itโ€™s already full; as opposed to the empty cup that perpetually drains the minute someone isnโ€™t there to fill it.

Iโ€™m inviting you to take a closer look at what youโ€™re longing for and instead of finding someone else to give it to you, give it to yourself.

xx

Devi

Overcoming an Eating Disorder & Body Dysmorphia

Itโ€™s been a little over two years since I severely suffered from an eating disorder and body dysmorphia. And fuck. That struggle was life shattering in all the ways something can be, because it affected so many areas of my life.

Hating my body started in my earliest days, too. And the more and more I became aware of my body, the more and more that feeling intensified.

There were so many factors that lead into this. To start, I watched other women in my life obsess over their bodies and listened to them shame themselves for not being small enough.

That had itโ€™s own effect and in a way programmed me to believe that was normal behavior.

Mixed with that, there was (still is) social pressure to look a certain way; constantly inundated with images and messages on how you should look. Youโ€™re spoon fed the idea that if you want to be loved, popular, successful, celebrated, happy...you MUST live up to these flawless expectations.

And I tried and I never achieved it, because itโ€™s impossible. Because perfection doesnโ€™t exist. Because what you see is distorted and photoshopped.

But, at the time, I didnโ€™t have that awareness, so I grew to hate my body even more. And that hate and obsession is what catalyzed my eating disorder.

This a huge epidemic so many face, and itโ€™s no surprise as to why. Weโ€™re taught how to hate ourselves. To berate ourselves, judge ourselves, be hard on ourselves, and constantly change ourselves.

Instead of being taught to accept, while striving to be the best version of ourselvesโ€”in a compassionate and loving way.

Once I realized that for myself, I had to spend time digging, unpacking, and relearning years of conditioning. And anyone who says that process is easy, theyโ€™re lying to you. Itโ€™s not. Loving yourself is hard because youโ€™re told day in and day out not to.

I want to remind you not to hate yourself FOR hating yourself, because it isnโ€™t your fault. To practice being gentler with yourself a little more everyday. To practice replacing hate with something neutral, as opposed to jumping right into something positive. To practice, even when resistance comes in. To practice, because you deserve it. Because youโ€™re worth it.

xx

Devi

The Fear of Being Alone

When I moved from NYC to California, I was confronted with one of my fears: being alone.

Being alone meant sitting with my thoughts, feelings, insecurities, fears, heartbreak, and trauma from the past; the things I didnโ€™t want to process because I knew itโ€™d painful and uncomfortable.

So, I avoided it by being in relationships.

I was that person who jumped from one relationship to the next without giving myself space to process the severing of the last one.

^ not the best decision, because what happens is you carry the trash from the last relationship into the next and create a mess.

And because I jumped into relationships, I was basically saying, โ€œI know we just met and I donโ€™t really know you yet, but you give me attention and check *some* of my boxes... so uh, yeah, letโ€™s be an exclusive thing?!โ€

I was settling and finding myself in unfulfilling partnerships. Iโ€™d either be with someone I only *kinda* liked. Or, Iโ€™d be in toxic relationships (the toxicity sometimes created by my own shit), because that pain was familiar and more comfortable than facing the unfamiliar pain of being alone.

But then, I moved across the country to live in an empty space, with my empty heart. And sure, I couldโ€™ve numbed with distractions that werenโ€™t people, but I decided to explore what I habitually escaped from. To get curious about it and ask myself why I was afraid of it.

And so I did. And it was hard. And it brought up A LOT of shit. And I cried myself to sleep almost every single night for a month straight.

And...
...I lived.

Because pain is ephemeral.

This process taught me the importance of being alone and how to do it, but it also taught me to stop running away from my pain.

Pain is one of your greatest teachers and growth usually comes from the lowest places in your life.

And fuuuck. I came out wiser, stronger, and happier than ever before. Oh, and I discovered how much I actually love being alone.

My challenge for you is to ask: what pain am I running away from and why? Stop resisting and start exploring. Get curious, because thereโ€™s lessons in the painโšก๏ธ

xx

Devi

Loving Yourself is Hard

โ€œJust love yourself,โ€ they say (๐Ÿง). As if it was easy. As if you could undo and reprogram everything youโ€™ve been taughtโ€”from the beginningโ€”with a flip of switch. As if you could rewrite the script youโ€™ve been rehearsing for years, and memorize an entirely new narrative overnight.

โ€œAha. Youโ€™re so right. Why didnโ€™t I ever think of that?! Let me just looveeee myself.โ€

LOL.

This notion floating around that repeating positive affirmations and relinquishing peopleโ€™s opinions will fix all your problems, IS the problem.

Donโ€™t get me wrong, these are effective tools that put you in an advantageous position and theyโ€™re part of the puzzle piece. But, itโ€™s far more than just saying words and releasing the need for external validation.

While there is good intent behind this messaging, it can be extremely crippling and harmful to those learning how to love themselves.

Because what happens is youโ€™ll look in the mirror, repeat the affirmation, and think, โ€œWhy isnโ€™t this fucking working? How come everyone on Instagram loves themselves by saying this and it doesnโ€™t do anything for me.โ€

All it did was perpetuate more judgement, more self-criticism, and made you feel even worse.

As much as I wish it was an overly simplistic process; that you could just tell yourself you โ€˜love yourself,โ€™ and then all of your insecurities, fears, bruises, and problems evaporate.

It just doesnโ€™t work that way.

I want you to know that wherever you are right now and however you feel, you are perfectly okay. Youโ€™re exactly where you need to be.

AND you can take ONE step forward in the direction youโ€™re longing for.

Maybe itโ€™s reading a book, hiring a body image coach, going to therapy, moving your body consistently, eating a vegetable, working with me (๐Ÿคช). Whatever makes YOU feel 1% better.

Itโ€™s your process, boo. Donโ€™t let this skewed version of self love make you think itโ€™s supposed to be seamless and quick and constantly full of light. Itโ€™s not.

Hang in there. I know itโ€™s tough. But, I believe in you and Iโ€™m here to help you, if you need. ๐Ÿ–ค Luuuh you.

Devi

Is This How You Want to Spend Your Life?

Thereโ€™s one thing in life we all know thatโ€™s absolutely guaranteed: ๐ข๐ญโ€™๐ฌ ๐š๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐ ๐จ๐ข๐ง๐  ๐ญ๐จ ๐ž๐ง๐.

๐šˆ๐š˜๐šžโ€™๐š›๐šŽ ๐š‘๐šŽ๐š›๐šŽ...
...๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ๐š— ๐šข๐š˜๐šžโ€™๐š›๐šŽ ๐š—๐š˜๐š.

Within a second, your life will flash before your eyes. ๐˜ˆ๐˜ญ๐˜ญ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ช๐˜ต. ๐˜ˆ๐˜ญ๐˜ญ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ. ๐—š๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ฒ. Itโ€™s finished with nothing more to add, nothing more to say. Your story completely written to the very last page and to the very last word.

Truism I sit with frequently. It serves as a loving punch to be present and live more full.

A reminder that forces me out of my suffering. To leave the places that hurt me. To be intentional with how I spend each moment of my existence. To be aware of the thoughts I believe and the ones I should relinquish. To be choosey about where I spend my energy. To be picky about the people I surround myself with. To stop ruminating on things that donโ€™t matter and stressing about the future.

๐—ง๐—ผ ๐—ฏ๐—ฒ ๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ, ๐™ฃ๐™ค๐™ฌ.

Life is beautiful and itโ€™s short. Take full advantage of it while you have it, because itโ€™s all over, ๐˜ซ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต.

Ask yourself today: ๐™ธ๐šœ ๐š๐š‘๐š’๐šœ ๐š‘๐š˜๐š  ๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐š๐š˜ ๐šœ๐š™๐šŽ๐š—๐š ๐š–๐šข ๐š˜๐š—๐šŽ ๐š™๐š›๐šŽ๐šŒ๐š’๐š˜๐šž๐šœ ๐š•๐š’๐š๐šŽ?

Being Single

When I visited Colorado last month, I realized as I spontaneously booked my flight a week in advance, I didnโ€™t have to tell anyone I was leaving.

I could just book it without anyoneโ€™s permission (not that itโ€™s needed, but inside a relationship, out of respect some sort of conversation should be had).

It was the first time, in a long time, I traveled while being single. And that thought kept coming up for me throughout the entirety of the trip.

I didnโ€™t have to tell anyone I was leaving.
I didnโ€™t have to let anyone know I got in safe.
I didnโ€™t have to tell anyone what I was doing or who I was doing it with.
I didnโ€™t have to checkin with someone throughout the course of the day or at the end of the night.
I didnโ€™t even need to tell someone, hey Iโ€™m home now.

I could do it all without thinking about someone else and that feeling crystallized so much for me.

As someone who was always in a relationship, I felt a sense of freedom I havenโ€™t experienced in a very long time.

I could do whatever I wanted, when I wanted it, without considering how it would effect someone elseโ€™s feelings.

And that felt really good.

Then, it occurred to me, all this time I was afraid of being single, because being singleโ€”to meโ€”meant all these empty spaces.

But, looking through an optimistic lens, those empty spaces really just leave more room for freedom. To maybe do stuff I didnโ€™t have time for in a relationship. To try new things. To pick up new hobbies. To spend more time focusing on me and what *I* wanted to do.

Being single ultimately gives you a different taste of freedom and more time to discover who you are and what you wantโ€”externally of someone else. And thatโ€™s a beautiful thing.

#PerspectiveShift #SingleLife #ItsAGreatLife
#Freedom

Five Ways to Improve Your Masturbation Game

Happy National Mastฯ…rbation Month! ๐Ÿ’ฆ Here are five tips to up your mastฯ…rbation game:

>> ๐‘๐ž๐ฅ๐ž๐š๐ฌ๐ž ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐ž๐ฑ๐ฉ๐ž๐œ๐ญ๐š๐ญ๐ข๐จ๐ง๐ฌ: pleasure doesnโ€™t exist with pressure. Many of us put tooo much focus on reaching the ever-so-famous-orgฮฑsm, which can often deter us from even reaching it. If you donโ€™t experience an orgฮฑsm, itโ€™s cool, itโ€™s fine, and it isnโ€™t a failed experience.

Letโ€™s reframe that way of thinking, because pleasure feels good, regardless. And when we heavily focus on this destination point, it detracts from the enjoyment of the journey.

>> ๐†๐ž๐ญ ๐จ๐ฎ๐ญ ๐จ๐Ÿ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐ก๐ž๐š๐, ๐š๐ง๐ ๐ข๐ง๐ญ๐จ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐›๐จ๐๐ฒ: focus on your senses, your breath, and how the pleasure makes you feelโ€”not how you look, if itโ€™s weird (itโ€™s not), or the tasks you have to do tomorrow.

Be present. Whenever your mind races else where, come back to your breath.

>> ๐‹๐ž๐ญ ๐ ๐จ ๐จ๐Ÿ ๐ก๐จ๐ฐ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ญ๐ก๐ข๐ง๐ค ๐ข๐ญ ๐ฌ๐ก๐จ๐ฎ๐ฅ๐ ๐ ๐จ ๐๐จ๐ฐ๐ง: thereโ€™s no โ€œright wayโ€ to mastฯ…rbate. Every women touches herself differently and requires different things. To discover what feels best for you, itโ€™ll take exploration and trail & error.

Sex with Emily stated it perfectly, your vฯ…lva is like an Rubikโ€™s cube. It takes time to figure out.

>> ๐„๐ฑ๐ฉ๐ฅ๐จ๐ซ๐ž ๐š๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐ฉ๐š๐ซ๐ญ๐ฌ ๐จ๐Ÿ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐›๐จ๐๐ฒ: donโ€™t just touch your vฯ…lva, touch all of you. Seduce yourself, and touch yourself the way youโ€™d want a partner to touch you.

>> ๐”๐ฌ๐ž ๐ญ๐จ๐ฒ๐ฌ: you donโ€™t ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ toys, but it does enhance your experience. My favorite toy company is Lelo.


Takeaway: explore, experiment, and most importantly, have fun ๐Ÿคช

Your favorite slut,

Devi

Dealing With Rejection While Dating

Iโ€™ve been going on a lot of dates recently and with that, Iโ€™ve received rejection. Quite a bit, if Iโ€™m being honest.

And it hasnโ€™t bothered me. Not even a little.

In fact, I expect it. Not in a self-deprecating way, but in a way where Iโ€™m completely aware that I donโ€™t offer what most want: a monogamous relationship.

Currently, Iโ€™m not looking for something serious or exclusive. Iโ€™m down for something consistent, yet casual, ๐˜ช๐˜ง I like you. But nothing more.

Furthermore, if my feelings do changeโ€”and I gravitate toward wanting a relationshipโ€”I still identify as mostly non-monogamous. Some people donโ€™t want that, and thatโ€™s okay. But I do, and thatโ€™s also okay.

Rejection is nothing more than, โ€œ๐™ท๐šŽ๐šข, ๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐šœ๐š˜๐š–๐šŽ๐š๐š‘๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š๐š’๐š๐š๐šŽ๐š›๐šŽ๐š—๐š ๐š๐š‘๐šŠ๐š— ๐š ๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐šข๐š˜๐šž ๐š ๐šŠ๐š—๐š.โ€

We donโ€™t need to take it personal, because itโ€™s not. Rejection is about them, not about you. It doesnโ€™t define you, detract from you, or make you less. It means that person wasnโ€™t for you and you werenโ€™t for them.

This is one the most important things to remember when youโ€™re going on dates. You will face rejection and not everyone is going to like you.

And thatโ€™s not a problem.

Youโ€™re not going to be the key to everyoneโ€™s lock. Some will connect with you and some wonโ€™t. Thereโ€™s even a chance youโ€™ll come across a person who strongly dislikes you. For whatever reason they do. Maybe itโ€™s because of the way you dress, the way you speak, the beliefs you hold, or they donโ€™t have a definite reasonโ€”they just donโ€™t like you.

And thatโ€™s not a problem either.

You donโ€™t need to change. Or mold. Or pretend to like, want, or be things your not.

You be you. And let everything else adjust.

Iโ€™ve said it before, and Iโ€™ll say it again (and again and again), but you donโ€™t need anyone to like you. You just need you to like you.

And when you like you, dating gets easier, relationships get easier, and so does rejection.

Because at the end of the day, you know you always have you โšก๏ธ