Relationships

Getting Out of An Abusive Relationship

“You’re not stuck here. You’re choosing to stay here.” A rude awakening to say the least. These were the exact words I said to myself when I found myself in an abusive relationship.

We don’t walk into a partnership with someone knowing they’re going to abuse us. In the beginning, even with an abuser, it’s beautiful and they treat you beautifully. Being with them makes you feel like pure ecstasy is running through your body. You’re beaming with love and excitement and happiness.

But, somewhere down the line, when people get 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 comfortable—they take off their masks. And sometimes, underneath that it isn’t so pretty.

I’ve grown up watching people who are close to me be in abusive relationships. You would think I would know if I was in one. However, for the longest time, I didn’t... but perhaps, that’s because it was a different type of abuse.

Many of us, including myself for a while, have this erroneous assumption that abuse is only physical. But it’s not. It can be verbal and emotional.

𝐒𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞: manipulation, control, gaslighting, intimidation, humiliation, treating you like a servant and putting most responsibilities on you, keeping you from work, making threats to hurt themself, smashing or destroying things, making you feel afraid and unsafe.

And... when do call them out, they’ll try to justify it. They’ll minimize or deny or blame the behavior on you.

You stay, because well for starters, they’re really good at changing your mind. They change the narrative to change your mind, perpetually. But also, it’s either a familiar cycle from your past or because you’re in love. Because you’re so far invested. Because you see changes in them, and when you see those slivers of change—it gives you hope.

I’ve been in two abusive relationships and I know how hard it is to leave. Especially when they feed you all the poetic bullshit, like: You’re the only one who gets me, understands me, knows how to show up for me. You make me feel safe, seen, and heard. You’re special. You’re not like anyone else. I’m doing my best to change and break my patterns. Please don’t give up on me.

Here’s the thing: abusers say they’re going to change. And they do...for awhile, until they don’t. Until they have you back in their grips, and then they repeat the same patterns and behaviors...over and over again.

That’s how part of the cycle works.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, I want you to know it doesn’t mean you’re weak. You’re likely a deeply compassionate and understanding individual. You feel for them and want to help them.

But also know: it’s not your job to fix them, it’s theirs. Their job. Their work. Their responsibility.

You’ve done enough. You’ve had enough.

There’s a way out. I promise. You’re not stuck. Leaving is hard—trust me, I know—but staying is even harder.

Please don’t let them convince you otherwise. You deserve so much more than this. There’s other options waiting for you.

You are self-sourced, independent, resourceful, and capable of taking care of yourself.

You are worth so much more than what they’ll ever give you. You deserve to be treated like the god damn queen that you are.

You’ve got this, babe. I believe in you.

Confession: I Like to Eat Food, Naked.

It was a December month in NYC, I decided to order Italian food in, rather than going out and having to face the brisk, cold air. While I waited for the delivery, I had sex with my then-partner because what’s better than food showing up after sex?

...but really, food post sex is the best—just saying.

I was sitting on the couch, completely naked, after devouring chicken parmesan.

And then, suddenly...it hit me.

How comfortable I felt in my body and how profoundly different that allowed me to show up.

I sat sprawled out, full belly and all—without self-deprecation. I could let every part of me be seen without the worry of what I looked like.

Years before this, eating while being naked or just being naked in general, wasn’t something I felt comfortable doing.

There’s this quote that says, “Need motivation to lose weight? Just eat in front of the mirror. Naked.“

When I first read that, I was a teenager and at the time, it seemed like great advice. Now, I understand how truly FUCKED up that quote is.

But that quote carried with me and played a massive role in how I felt in my skin. I believed my body wasn’t worthy of food, wasn’t worthy of love, wasn’t worthy of being seen in its rawest form...until I looked a certain way.

Yet, in that exact moment and even now, it’s not uncommon for me to get up from having sex, say, “I’m hungry,” and scurry off to the kitchen, naked, to eat.

What’s changed? I didn’t change my body, I changed my beliefs.

We go throughout our years believing our bodies are flawed and it traps us from experiencing some of life’s most precious gifts:

Love.
Sex.
Connection.
Intimacy.
Food.

You’ve been conditioned to think you’re flawed, but you’re not. The truth is the beliefs you attach to your body are flawed. And the wonderful thing is, you have the power to change those beliefs. You can pluck them from their roots and plant new.

You are worthy of love. Worthy of having orgasmic sex. Worthy of creating strong connections. Worthy of experiencing intimacy. Worthy of eating delicious food.

You don’t have to hustle to look a certain way in order to be worthy, to be seen, to be loved.

You’re worthy. Now and always.

Devi

Are You a People-Pleaser? Here's How to Stop.

I have a confession: I’m a recovering people-pleaser. For the longest time, I never saw it as a problem.

I operated under the erroneous assumption that this made me a good person. It meant I was this easy going, compassionate being who wants to make sure everyone’s taken care of and happy.

And then, it was brought to my attention that it actually was a fucking problem. I’d perpetually find myself in situations I didn’t want to be in. I habitually said yes and put on a facade acting like it was all okay...when deep down it wasn’t. I sacrificed my needs to serve others.

Can you relate?

If so, it’s time to neglect this tendency, because it’s working against you in every damaging way imaginable. And trust me, I get it. There’s resistance and discomfort to say no. Vocalizing your truth can be difficult.

BUT.

You can’t afford to put yourself last anymore. Do not trivialize your needs for others because your needs are just as important. Practice relinquishing this tendency by internalizing these truths:

☠️ You. Are. Worthy.

Your worth isn’t placed in others. It isn’t found externally. It isn’t defined by success or money.

You’re worthy simply because you exist. The end.

You’re not a doormat for people to walk all over. You’re worth more than that. You’re worth giving yourself the same love, respect, and care you give others to yourself. And you deserve to give it to yourself first, before anyone else.

☠️ We usually people-please as a way to gain control; to control how others perceive us, feel about us, or how a situation plays out.

Truth: the only thing in life you can control is how YOU feel and how YOU respond. You can’t control the outcome or how others feel or how they react.

☠️ Accept that not everyone’s going to like you and know that it’s okay, because all you ever need is for YOU to like you.

Seek validation internally, not externally. We often put the responsibility on others to love us, take care of us, show up for us...but it’s not their job—it’s yours. And it is their job to do the same for themselves—not yours.

☠️ When someone asks something of you, give yourself time to respond. Reply with, “I’ll get back to you.”

This gives you the space to process and decide if you have the bandwidth or if you even want to do it.

Set those boundaries, baby girl.

Devi

How to Find a Great Online Coach

How to find a great coach AND the *right* coach for you 👇

Firstly, before anything else, as you may or may not know there has been an uproar in the fitness industry—rightfully and understandably so. People are calling out the coaches who are not delivering on they’re promises.

Of course, it’s utterly frustrating, upsetting, and downright fucking horrible that coaches do scam people. But, the unfortunate truth is in every profession, niche, industry—there are people who just...suck 🤷‍♀️

On the bright side, there are also those who don’t suck. And if we only focus on those ones who do, we forget about the those ones who don’t.

Please don’t let the bad coaches set the tone or diminish the value of coaching. Don’t let this paralyze you from making what could be best investment for yourself. Working with a coach can dramatically improve and change the trajectory of your life.

So, without further ado, here are two things to look for when picking a coach:

They get to know you prior to working together

During the application process, if they send you a link to pay right off the bat, without getting to know you—red flag.

Do. Not. Signup.

A great coach will ask questions to understand who you are and what you need to figure out if they can help you and if you two a good match for each other.

They’re open to your questions.

They might be an amazing coach, but they might not be the coach for you. This is why it’s just as important for YOU to ask questions before working with them.

Questions you can ask: what they’re expectations are from you as a client; how communication works; a rundown of what exactly you’re getting; the approach and methods they use; if they’ve helped someone like you before.

When you ask them questions, it does two things: it allows you to figure out if they offer exactly what you need AND it weeds out the bad coaches. They should be open and willing to answer questions. If they’re not open to your questions—red flag.

Hope this helps!

Devi

To Heal, You Must Feel

A few weeks ago, an unpleasant situation emerged that catalyzed a cascade of emotions:

Anxiety.
Fear.
Panic.
Anger.
Annoyance.
Nervousness.
Embarrassment.
Guilt.
Shame.

And it all spiraled me into the depths of deep and utter sadness. 

Experiencing a range of uncomfortable and painful emotions in one day ain’t fun. It fucking sucks. But, these days do happen and these feelings do occur; not every day is going to be seamless and blissful—some days it’s going to full of disarray, chaos, and disharmony.

So, in the midst of the upheaval, I gave myself permission to express each emotion, without judgement. I screamed and yelled “𝐖𝐓𝐅!” at least five times. I stomped my feet, aggressively. And I shed to tears, numerous times throughout the day.

I sat in the discomfort. I felt each emotion—questioning them, taking time to understand them, figuring out where they’re coming from and what they’re rooted in. In doing so, I emptied myself from them, because to feel them is also to relinquish. From there, my next step in healing was to move forward; to not sit, cling, or stay in my suffering for too long. So, I asked myself, “𝙽𝚘𝚠 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚍𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍, 𝙳𝚎𝚟𝚘𝚗? 𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝‘𝚜 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝟷% 𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚘𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜?”

I took the day off. I called a friend. I watched comedy. I journaled. I sang. And I went to bed early.

Everyone’s healing process looks different. But I know one things for certain: to heal you must feel. Too often, we try to run away, numb, deny, or suppress. We think if we avoid it, it’s gone. But in reality, it’s living inside us. It’s bubbling below the surface and you’re carrying the weight of its heaviness.

Cut that shit out, my dear.

Open and unpack the baggage. You’ll feel lighter afterward. I promise.

Hugs,

Devi

Give Yourself The Love and Attention You Beg From Others

“𝑰 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝑰’𝒎 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖.” Words you so frequently say to others, but fail to say to yourself.

You sit there in the dark. Forgotten. Neglected. Abandon. Willing showing up for others, but never for yourself. You’re so out of touch with you that you’re lost. And you expect someone else to find you, to provide for you, to fill what is hollow:

You’re in search of someone to give you:
𝙰𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗.
𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎.
𝚂𝚎𝚡.
𝚀𝚞𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎.
𝙰𝚏𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚜.

You tell them: 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦; 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦; 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘦, 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘮𝘦, 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘮𝘦; 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦; 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨.

You put the responsibility on others to take care of you, to love you, to supply your needs. And as a result, you become so distant from yourself, so far from seeing your worth, and come to a place that lacks fulfillment.

Your cup will remain empty, until you choose to fill it on your own. Darling, please heed my words: it is your responsibility. To fill those voids, to take initiative, and to give yourself the boundless love placed in your heart. You can and you should give yourself what you’re so desperately craving. The orgasmic sex, the appreciation, the gentle words, the date night, the roses, the nourishment and the nurturing. All of it.

Your love is yours to give yourself. You are your responsibility—no one else’s. And when you fill up your own cup, others will only add and love will overflow.

Fill up your cup today, boo. Today and every day.

xx

Devi

What I Learned From an Open Relationship

𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝐧𝐨𝐧-𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐠𝐚𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬, 𝐩𝐨𝐥𝐲𝐚𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩:

If your partner loves someone else, it 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 means they love them, too. If you’re partner finds someone else attractive, it 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 means they find them attractive, too. It doesn’t detract from the love they have for you or the beauty they see in you.

Love is expansive. You can love multiple people.

ALL your insecurities will bubble up to the surface. You’ll even become aware of insecurities you never knew existed. Being in an open relationship doesn’t mean you’re immune to jealousy or you’re less susceptible to feeling it. It will come up, even when you least expect it. It’s inevitable.

^^ When insecurities or jealousy arises, it’s important never to judge, but seek to understand. Examine the external situation causing it, and identify the internal emotions triggering it. Dismantling these feelings will allow you to have a greater understanding of yourself.

Being jealous or insecure does not make you a jealous or insecure person. It means you’re a human, having a normal emotional experience.

You must let go of the need to control the outcome and accept all possibilities.

It’s work. A tremendous amount of work. It’s easy to get lost in the glamor of it all—the sex, the multiple connections, the novelty you can frequently experience. But let me assure you, shit ain’t easy. It’s a lot to manage, and requires so much bandwidth.

It will lovingly force you to dive a little deeper into cultivating more self assurance, more self awareness, and more self confidence. It will demand you to vocalize your needs, have difficult conversations, declare boundaries, and effectively communicate. It’ll remind you to stop trivializing your feelings in order to please someone else, because the way you feel is just as important. It will ask you to neglect beliefs no longer serving you or your partners.

Ultimately, for me, this relationship paved my path to a road full of self discovery and growth. And I’m utterly grateful for the valuable and crucial lessons this set up brought me.

Devi

The Power of Masturbation

Are you touching yourself? Like all up on (and in) yourself? Because you should be.

It’s truly irksome and utterly bewildering that masturbation is for whatever reason still considered taboo. That sex with someone else is more normal than sex with yourself. Sex is such is a powerful and beautiful way to foster a deeper, more intimate connection with someone. Including with yourself. Thee most important connection of all.

Like, hello, self fucking love.

But here’s something else to ponder: if you don’t feel comfortable touching your own body, how are you supposed to feel comfortable with someone else touching it?

As I’ve discussed many times before, in order to feel confident in a space with someone else, it starts with you. YOU have to feel comfortable with you. If you’re eager to experience more confidence, more pleasure, more arousal in the bedroom—masturbation will help you actualize your desire.

Self-exploration is one of the fastest ways to discover what makes you tick. And when spend time getting to know your body, you can then replicate and communicate it with someone else. You can teach them what turns you on, which makes it easier for them to please you, allowing for more orgasmic sex (YAY!! 🤤). And I mean, what’s more attractive than communication?

So, feel yourself—every part of yourself. Playing with yourself is a glorious thing.

Whose going to masturbate today?

Happy Orgasms,

Devi


Want more tools on how to feel confident in the bedroom? Click HERE to download my FREE guide, Sex With The Lights On.

You Can't Afford to Put Yourself Last Anymore

Admittedly, I know how uncomfortably difficult it can be to use your voice to declare boundaries.

And it’s no surprise as to why.

All the conditioning from the patriarchal culture has influenced women to fall into the role of being the caretaker—to please and serve everyone in a way that forcefully demands you to self-neglect. You’ve been taught to sacrifice your needs in order to serve others. To put yourself last, and everyone else first, because somehow their needs are considered far more important than your own.

And when you do decide to say no—the world gasps.

“𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘢𝘺!?”

You’re shamed, judged, and questioned the minute you stand up for yourself. And all of it makes you feel wrong, so you find yourself dismissing what you said.

This is profoundly problematic, of course. But it explains why you, me, all of us women experience discomfort and resistance when it comes to setting boundaries.

The challenge is real, it’s valid, and I understandably get your struggle. But you can’t keep abiding to this. You simply cannot afford to put yourself last anymore. It’s not serving you and it’s working against you in every way imaginable.

It’s time to draw the line.

To stop saying yes when you mean no.

To build unbreakable walls that protect the things you just won’t fucking tolerate and autonomously decide what those things are.

To stop surrendering to someone else’s desires instead of your own.

Stand powerfully in your agency, baby girl.

Start right now. Start with something small, something easy and progress. I promise with each no, it gets seemingly easier.

xx

Devi

Life Will Do Whatever The F*ck it Wants to You

Life will do whatever the fuck it wants to you, and sometimes those uncontrollable outcomes are undesirable.

Things are going unravel and unfold exactly the way they’re supposed to and sometimes, you’re going to fucking hate it.

You have two options:

You can either play victim and attach to the story of, “it wasn’t supposed to be this way.”

OR.

You can see these undesirable and often painful outcomes as an opportunity for growth. As a tool to learn. As the mapping to your higher, divine self.

Expansion, if you will ✨

Because maybe, just maybe these things are working for you—not against you.

Perhaps this pain, this muck, this shitty situation is just a disguise for something beautiful to flourish.

I choose option two, how about you?

Devi