Sexuality

The Fear of Being Alone

When I moved from NYC to California, I was confronted with one of my fears: being alone.

Being alone meant sitting with my thoughts, feelings, insecurities, fears, heartbreak, and trauma from the past; the things I didn’t want to process because I knew it’d painful and uncomfortable.

So, I avoided it by being in relationships.

I was that person who jumped from one relationship to the next without giving myself space to process the severing of the last one.

^ not the best decision, because what happens is you carry the trash from the last relationship into the next and create a mess.

And because I jumped into relationships, I was basically saying, “I know we just met and I don’t really know you yet, but you give me attention and check *some* of my boxes... so uh, yeah, let’s be an exclusive thing?!”

I was settling and finding myself in unfulfilling partnerships. I’d either be with someone I only *kinda* liked. Or, I’d be in toxic relationships (the toxicity sometimes created by my own shit), because that pain was familiar and more comfortable than facing the unfamiliar pain of being alone.

But then, I moved across the country to live in an empty space, with my empty heart. And sure, I could’ve numbed with distractions that weren’t people, but I decided to explore what I habitually escaped from. To get curious about it and ask myself why I was afraid of it.

And so I did. And it was hard. And it brought up A LOT of shit. And I cried myself to sleep almost every single night for a month straight.

And...
...I lived.

Because pain is ephemeral.

This process taught me the importance of being alone and how to do it, but it also taught me to stop running away from my pain.

Pain is one of your greatest teachers and growth usually comes from the lowest places in your life.

And fuuuck. I came out wiser, stronger, and happier than ever before. Oh, and I discovered how much I actually love being alone.

My challenge for you is to ask: what pain am I running away from and why? Stop resisting and start exploring. Get curious, because there’s lessons in the pain⚡️

xx

Devi

Five Ways to Improve Your Masturbation Game

Happy National Mastυrbation Month! 💦 Here are five tips to up your mastυrbation game:

>> 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬: pleasure doesn’t exist with pressure. Many of us put tooo much focus on reaching the ever-so-famous-orgαsm, which can often deter us from even reaching it. If you don’t experience an orgαsm, it’s cool, it’s fine, and it isn’t a failed experience.

Let’s reframe that way of thinking, because pleasure feels good, regardless. And when we heavily focus on this destination point, it detracts from the enjoyment of the journey.

>> 𝐆𝐞𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲: focus on your senses, your breath, and how the pleasure makes you feel—not how you look, if it’s weird (it’s not), or the tasks you have to do tomorrow.

Be present. Whenever your mind races else where, come back to your breath.

>> 𝐋𝐞𝐭 𝐠𝐨 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐠𝐨 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧: there’s no “right way” to mastυrbate. Every women touches herself differently and requires different things. To discover what feels best for you, it’ll take exploration and trail & error.

Sex with Emily stated it perfectly, your vυlva is like an Rubik’s cube. It takes time to figure out.

>> 𝐄𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲: don’t just touch your vυlva, touch all of you. Seduce yourself, and touch yourself the way you’d want a partner to touch you.

>> 𝐔𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐲𝐬: you don’t 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 toys, but it does enhance your experience. My favorite toy company is Lelo.


Takeaway: explore, experiment, and most importantly, have fun 🤪

Your favorite slut,

Devi

Dealing With Rejection While Dating

I’ve been going on a lot of dates recently and with that, I’ve received rejection. Quite a bit, if I’m being honest.

And it hasn’t bothered me. Not even a little.

In fact, I expect it. Not in a self-deprecating way, but in a way where I’m completely aware that I don’t offer what most want: a monogamous relationship.

Currently, I’m not looking for something serious or exclusive. I’m down for something consistent, yet casual, 𝘪𝘧 I like you. But nothing more.

Furthermore, if my feelings do change—and I gravitate toward wanting a relationship—I still identify as mostly non-monogamous. Some people don’t want that, and that’s okay. But I do, and that’s also okay.

Rejection is nothing more than, “𝙷𝚎𝚢, 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚒𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝.”

We don’t need to take it personal, because it’s not. Rejection is about them, not about you. It doesn’t define you, detract from you, or make you less. It means that person wasn’t for you and you weren’t for them.

This is one the most important things to remember when you’re going on dates. You will face rejection and not everyone is going to like you.

And that’s not a problem.

You’re not going to be the key to everyone’s lock. Some will connect with you and some won’t. There’s even a chance you’ll come across a person who strongly dislikes you. For whatever reason they do. Maybe it’s because of the way you dress, the way you speak, the beliefs you hold, or they don’t have a definite reason—they just don’t like you.

And that’s not a problem either.

You don’t need to change. Or mold. Or pretend to like, want, or be things your not.

You be you. And let everything else adjust.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again (and again and again), but you don’t need anyone to like you. You just need you to like you.

And when you like you, dating gets easier, relationships get easier, and so does rejection.

Because at the end of the day, you know you always have you ⚡️

Jealousy is Your Best Friend

“But don’t you get jealous?!” A question I perpetually get asked when I bring up polyamory or non-monogamy.

The answer? Yes, sometimes I do. I’m human.

Jealousy is inevitable—for all of us. It doesn’t matter if you’re in an open dynamic, a closed dynamic, or if you’re in a relationship at all.

This is a feeling that arises for each one of us. And the problem isn’t experiencing it, the problem is most of us are afraid to feel it. We dodge it, avoid it, suppress it, or...we blame the person who brought it out in us and try to control the circumstance to shut the feeling down.

Sometimes we even identify with it, “I’m just a jealous person.”

^^ No, actually you’re a human—experiencing an emotion.

I want to invite you to view jealousy through a different lens, because this uncomfortable emotion is actually your friend. The type of friend who deeply cares about you, so they tell you exactly what you need to hear, and it’s usually the things you don’t want to hear. They don’t present it wrapped up in a pretty bow, they’re blunt and straight forward and sometimes it stings. BUT. You needed to hear it.

Jealousy shows you what you need to work on or what you need to work through to help you become a more confident version of yourself. So rather than dismissing it, in all the ways you often do—feel it and lean into it.

Question why it’s coming up for you and take the time to understand where it’s coming from and what it’s trying to tell you.

The process can look like this:

Why is this coming up for me? Does this person have something I want? Do I feel like they’re better than me? Am I afraid my partner will leave me for someone else?



Why do I feel that way? And what does that mean?



Do I need to realize my worth? Do I need to feel more secure in myself?

OR

Does this person have something I really want? And I’m projecting because I’m actually just upset with myself for not working toward it.



Jealousy can be used as a wake up call to finally go after what you really want OR feedback on things you need to work through internally.

Don’t let the discomfort of jealousy steer you away. It’s here to help you, boo. ⚡️

"Coming Out" Without a Label

Am I bisexual? A question I sat with and ruminated over for months. Coming out, for some, is easier, because they just know. For others—myself included—it takes time, because they don’t know.

All I knew was that the attraction was there, but I didn’t know how far that attraction went. I kissed women in the past, but kissing a woman is one thing, exploring her body is a whole other thing.

In October of 2017 I had my first experience with a woman. Instantly, it became clear to me that it wasn’t just admiration, it was more.

But here’s the catch...

Three months passed by, and at this point, I knew I loved being with women (I was even in polyamorous relationship with one), but I was uncertain about what that meant.

Does this make me bi? Could I be something other than bi? Would I be with a woman romantically, if a man wasn’t involved? WHAT THE FUCK DO I IDENTIFY AS?

I felt overwhelmingly frustrated and bemused which equated to hiding it. I didn’t talk about my experiences...or my girlfriend.

It wasn’t due to shame, it was more or so that I didn’t feel comfortable claiming a label....yet. And I knew if I did talk about it, people would ask, “So are you bi?!?!” “Are you gay?!?” “WHAT ARE YOU?!?!”

I didn’t want to be pried with questions I didn’t have the answers too. So, I avoided it all together.

My then-partners told me something extremely helpful and it made my “coming out” process a hell of a lot easier:

You don’t need a label in order to “come out” or to talk about the things that make you happy. People want black and white answers, but it isn’t your job to give it to them.

So, for awhile, it was just, “I’m Devon and I like both men and women.” If they asked for more, I just said, “I don’t know.”

^^ and there’s nothing wrong with that answer.

We get so wrapped up in labels and identities, which can create unnecessary stress, pressure, and removes the joy from the freedom of expression.

Don’t let labels or meanings keep you from exploring your sexuality. You’re YOU. And whatever you do doesn’t have to mean anything.

You’re more than welcome to claim a label...WHEN and IF it feels right, but you’re not obligated to take that on ⚡

Confession: I Like to Eat Food, Naked.

It was a December month in NYC, I decided to order Italian food in, rather than going out and having to face the brisk, cold air. While I waited for the delivery, I had sex with my then-partner because what’s better than food showing up after sex?

...but really, food post sex is the best—just saying.

I was sitting on the couch, completely naked, after devouring chicken parmesan.

And then, suddenly...it hit me.

How comfortable I felt in my body and how profoundly different that allowed me to show up.

I sat sprawled out, full belly and all—without self-deprecation. I could let every part of me be seen without the worry of what I looked like.

Years before this, eating while being naked or just being naked in general, wasn’t something I felt comfortable doing.

There’s this quote that says, “Need motivation to lose weight? Just eat in front of the mirror. Naked.“

When I first read that, I was a teenager and at the time, it seemed like great advice. Now, I understand how truly FUCKED up that quote is.

But that quote carried with me and played a massive role in how I felt in my skin. I believed my body wasn’t worthy of food, wasn’t worthy of love, wasn’t worthy of being seen in its rawest form...until I looked a certain way.

Yet, in that exact moment and even now, it’s not uncommon for me to get up from having sex, say, “I’m hungry,” and scurry off to the kitchen, naked, to eat.

What’s changed? I didn’t change my body, I changed my beliefs.

We go throughout our years believing our bodies are flawed and it traps us from experiencing some of life’s most precious gifts:

Love.
Sex.
Connection.
Intimacy.
Food.

You’ve been conditioned to think you’re flawed, but you’re not. The truth is the beliefs you attach to your body are flawed. And the wonderful thing is, you have the power to change those beliefs. You can pluck them from their roots and plant new.

You are worthy of love. Worthy of having orgasmic sex. Worthy of creating strong connections. Worthy of experiencing intimacy. Worthy of eating delicious food.

You don’t have to hustle to look a certain way in order to be worthy, to be seen, to be loved.

You’re worthy. Now and always.

Devi

What The F is Bacterial Vaginosis?

Your vagina is high maintenance. She craves your attention and has very delicate needs. The minute you don’t treat her the way she wants to be treated, she retaliates...

“𝙼𝚖𝚖𝚔𝚊𝚢, 𝚋𝚒𝚝𝚌𝚑. 𝙸’𝚖 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕 𝚞𝚗𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎.”

𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎,
𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚟𝚊𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚊
🖤☠️

And in some cases, you wind up with BV.

What the fuck is BV!? 🤷‍♀️

BV stands for bacterial vaginosis. It is not an STD. It develops when when there’s a disruption to the normal vaginal flora. In other words, there’s a change to the PH of your vagina. In order to maintain a solid PH balance, the good bacteria and bad bacteria need to be in healthy harmony. This can be difficult to do considering all the things that go in your vagina and around your vulva.

BV can be caused by a myriad of things, including:
>> harsh chemicals and fragrances
>> not changing your tampons regularly
>> frequent sex partners
>> clothing
>> poor diet

The main characteristic of BV is the odor. Typically, you’ll notice your vagina smells different or perhaps the smell is heightened.

If you have it, don’t be alarmed—it’s treatable, it’s common, and you’re not alone. About two out of five women have BV, but 84% of women don’t even realize they do; most women don’t even know what it is. Depending on how bad the imbalance is, it can dissipate on its own in a few days. But if not, see your gynecologist so you can treat it with antibiotics.

BV is known to be a reoccurring infection, so it’s not unlikely you’ll get it again.

Some things to consider to help prevent BV:

> Apple Cider Vinegar 🤪
> Let that bitch air out
> Don’t sit in sweaty gym clothes
> Buy cotton underwear
> Avoid the harsh chemicals and fragrances found in many soaps, lubricants, condoms, tampons, and pads.
> Thoroughly clean her with water, daily.
> If you prefer to use soap to wash her (it’s not necessary), use unscented soap. I like Dr. Bronner’s. And if you do use soap, stick to the SAME soap. Changing it up can throw off the PH. She doesn’t like being introduced to new things. She prefers familiarity.

So there you have it.

Lessons on your vagina from your favorite slut 💋

Devi

What "Slut" Means to Me

I’m a slut and I’d like to expand on what that exactly means.

So...let’s start with this: 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒖𝒄𝒌 𝒊𝒔 𝒂 𝒔𝒍𝒖𝒕,𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒘𝒂𝒚? To me, a slut is a term used to describe how a women shows up sexually, which can look different from person to person.

Let me explain:

Most people assume a slut is a woman who’s constantly on the prowl to get fucked and tends to have one night stands frequently. And sure, it 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 mean that. Some women LOVE novelty regularly, which is totally okay and cool and her preference.

But.

There’s also the woman who considers herself slutty, and yet, she absolutely hates one night stands (oh, hey. It’s me 🙋‍♀️). They’re sexually open, dress provocatively, and love to fuck. They just would rather spend quality time with someone and really get to know them before engaging in an interaction.

As I’ve stated, a slut can look entirely different from person to person and means a myriad of things. Neither scenarios are wrong or right, better or worse. They’re just personal preferences and those preferences vary.

Just because a woman doesn’t sleep around does NOT set her on a moral high ground. And if a woman does sleep around it does NOT mean she lacks disrespect for herself. It’s simply her choice and what she enjoys.

So, back to my original point: I’m a slut, proudly and unapologetically. However, it took work to get here. I had to spend time reclaiming the word, because quite frankly the notion that a woman is “dirty” for showing off her body or sleeping with people just didn’t sit right with me. Society conditioned me to believe it‘s inappropriate, but IT’S NOT.

A woman is allowed to explore her sexuality in whatever way feels most authentic to her, and whatever that looks like is her choice; her choice is not wrong nor does it mean anything other than what she wants it to mean.

And to me being a slut means, I’m sexually open and embrace the fuck out of it. That’s it.

What I Learned From an Open Relationship

𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝐧𝐨𝐧-𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐠𝐚𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬, 𝐩𝐨𝐥𝐲𝐚𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩:

If your partner loves someone else, it 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 means they love them, too. If you’re partner finds someone else attractive, it 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 means they find them attractive, too. It doesn’t detract from the love they have for you or the beauty they see in you.

Love is expansive. You can love multiple people.

ALL your insecurities will bubble up to the surface. You’ll even become aware of insecurities you never knew existed. Being in an open relationship doesn’t mean you’re immune to jealousy or you’re less susceptible to feeling it. It will come up, even when you least expect it. It’s inevitable.

^^ When insecurities or jealousy arises, it’s important never to judge, but seek to understand. Examine the external situation causing it, and identify the internal emotions triggering it. Dismantling these feelings will allow you to have a greater understanding of yourself.

Being jealous or insecure does not make you a jealous or insecure person. It means you’re a human, having a normal emotional experience.

You must let go of the need to control the outcome and accept all possibilities.

It’s work. A tremendous amount of work. It’s easy to get lost in the glamor of it all—the sex, the multiple connections, the novelty you can frequently experience. But let me assure you, shit ain’t easy. It’s a lot to manage, and requires so much bandwidth.

It will lovingly force you to dive a little deeper into cultivating more self assurance, more self awareness, and more self confidence. It will demand you to vocalize your needs, have difficult conversations, declare boundaries, and effectively communicate. It’ll remind you to stop trivializing your feelings in order to please someone else, because the way you feel is just as important. It will ask you to neglect beliefs no longer serving you or your partners.

Ultimately, for me, this relationship paved my path to a road full of self discovery and growth. And I’m utterly grateful for the valuable and crucial lessons this set up brought me.

Devi

The Power of Masturbation

Are you touching yourself? Like all up on (and in) yourself? Because you should be.

It’s truly irksome and utterly bewildering that masturbation is for whatever reason still considered taboo. That sex with someone else is more normal than sex with yourself. Sex is such is a powerful and beautiful way to foster a deeper, more intimate connection with someone. Including with yourself. Thee most important connection of all.

Like, hello, self fucking love.

But here’s something else to ponder: if you don’t feel comfortable touching your own body, how are you supposed to feel comfortable with someone else touching it?

As I’ve discussed many times before, in order to feel confident in a space with someone else, it starts with you. YOU have to feel comfortable with you. If you’re eager to experience more confidence, more pleasure, more arousal in the bedroom—masturbation will help you actualize your desire.

Self-exploration is one of the fastest ways to discover what makes you tick. And when spend time getting to know your body, you can then replicate and communicate it with someone else. You can teach them what turns you on, which makes it easier for them to please you, allowing for more orgasmic sex (YAY!! 🤤). And I mean, what’s more attractive than communication?

So, feel yourself—every part of yourself. Playing with yourself is a glorious thing.

Whose going to masturbate today?

Happy Orgasms,

Devi


Want more tools on how to feel confident in the bedroom? Click HERE to download my FREE guide, Sex With The Lights On.