Sexuality

Question Everything

Have you ever taken the time to question your beliefs? To ask where they come from? Why *you* believe them? Why you judge, reject, and resist anything that counteracts those beliefs? If those beliefs are serving you? And if they’re really even yours to begin with?

Last night over dinner, my friend and I talked about the myriad of ways one can view relationships, politics, sex, body image, and religion.

That the ideas, beliefs, and stories we hold—especially the ones from our earliest years—were given to us; some were even pushed and forced on us. By the culture we’re born into, by our caretakers, by our ancestors, by our teachers, by our friends, by the people we follow on Instagram, by the books we read and the shows we watch.

Many of us never truly acknowledge that. We just believe the things we’ve been told without exploration.

And in a lot of ways that can hurt us. It can lead to unhappiness, insecurity, suffering, closeting, and even, our demise.

To speak from my own experience, I grew up in a religious and conservative household. I was told I needed to go to college to be successful. That having sex with multiple people was a sin. That I shouldn’t cry. That identifying with anything other than straight is wrong and weird. That my worth is placed in my appearance. That I should put others first.

For a awhile, I believed them, I lived then, followed them, and I did—unfortunately—defend them.

And that was before I took the time to unpack them, to realize they’re not mine—they’re someone else’s.

And now those are all beliefs I no longer hold.

I wouldn’t be this sex-positive, body-positive, bisexual, spiritual, monogamish, emotional, ethical slut who puts herself first, if I didn’t take the time to question my own beliefs.

And I can’t stress enough the importance of that for you, too.

To sort through it all—the beliefs about your body, your worth, your religion, your political stance, your insecurities...hell, even your music preferences.

I’m not here to tell you what’s right or what’s wrong, but to remind you to question everything—including and especially the things I say.

To tell you that you get to choose.

The No-Bra Movement

After my last #TeamNoBra post, some people either misinterpreted my message or missed the entire point of the post. So, I’d like to expand on that.

The no bra movement isn’t necessarily about not wearing a bra, it’s about asking yourself *why* you’re wearing it.

Most women I’ve talked to don’t want to wear a bra, but feel pressured to for whatever reason they do.

If you have bigger boobs like me, you might feel you need to buy bras to conceal them because showing them is inappropriate, slutty, and means that you’re asking for attention (this one irks me 🙄).

Or, you might have smaller boobs and don’t feel like you’re “womanly” enough so you buy a bra to make them appear larger.

Perhaps, you have one boob that’s bigger than the other and you buy bras to make them look perfectly symmetrical.

Whatever the case may be, it’s just another way of society telling women how they should look and how they should show up and if they don’t, it’s wrong and needs to be fixed.

“Make your boobs perkier...bigger...smaller...
symmetrical...conceal your nipples.”

^^ that’s the fucked up part, that’s the part I’m not okay with.

You shouldn’t feel obligated, because it’s your body and you get to make the rules. And you definitely shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed for the way your body looks.

So, I want you to sit with this for a minute or two. Really examine if you feel you need a bra. If you want a bra. If you like a bra. Or if you wanna say, "fuck a bra."

And, again, there's no right answer. Some women love bras. For some women, they really do alleviate some back pain. For others, they feel a bit more comfortable.

None of that is wrong, because it's right for them. But those are all individual cases for individual women who've asked themselves the question and come to their own conclusion to guide their decision. That's the important thing.

That’s all I want you to do. I'm not telling you to burn your bras or toss them out, or to immediately stop buying them. I'm just asking you to take a minute and really think about why you’re wearing it.

xx

Devi


I Refuse to Wear Bras

How many times have you said, “I can’t wait to get home and take this bra off?” 🙋‍♀️.

In October of 2017, after a decade of struggling with bras and actively hating a piece of my daily wardrobe, I finally decided: Fuck it. I’m done complaining, I’m not putting this thing on anymore.

And let me tell you: I haven't looked back once.

Truthfully, I think bras are a hassle; buying one is a chore and wearing one is uncomfortable. And in my opinion, there is no such thing as a comfortable bra—they're restricting and I don’t like the way they hug my around my rib cage.

Besides, bras aren’t designed to your advantage. They were designed to cover up the natural shape of your breasts. To make them appear “larger,” “perkier,” or “symmetrical.” To either minimize or maximize them. And to conceal your nipples.

At the root of it, it’s just another way to make you feel insecure about your body by telling you that your body is wrong and needs to be changed.

And aside from all of that, they offer NO benefit.

According to Professor Jean-Denis Rouillon, a researcher at Besançon CHU:

“Medically, physiologically, anatomically – breasts gain no benefit from being denied gravity. On the contrary, they get saggier with a bra.” ⠀ “Not wearing a bra will lead to increased collagen production and elasticity, which improves lift in a developing breast.”

Darling, you and I are under no obligation to wear a bra, to cover our nipples, or change the natural shape of our breasts.

Now, to be clear: I’m not saying you "shouldn’t" wear a bra. I'm just telling you that you don’t have to, that you should stand powerfully in your autonomy instead of adhering to a social norm that claims your boobs are "wrong."

Because they aren't.
Every single pair looks different. None of them are wrong, right, better, or worse—they're all just normal.
The size, the shape, the color, the way they hang—normal.

So, the next time you’re about to put on a bra, ask yourself, “Am I doing this for me? Or am I doing this because I feel forced to?”

Because only you get to decide what you put on your body, simply because it’s your body. Capiche?

The Fear of Being Alone

When I moved from NYC to California, I was confronted with one of my fears: being alone.

Being alone meant sitting with my thoughts, feelings, insecurities, fears, heartbreak, and trauma from the past; the things I didn’t want to process because I knew it’d painful and uncomfortable.

So, I avoided it by being in relationships.

I was that person who jumped from one relationship to the next without giving myself space to process the severing of the last one.

^ not the best decision, because what happens is you carry the trash from the last relationship into the next and create a mess.

And because I jumped into relationships, I was basically saying, “I know we just met and I don’t really know you yet, but you give me attention and check *some* of my boxes... so uh, yeah, let’s be an exclusive thing?!”

I was settling and finding myself in unfulfilling partnerships. I’d either be with someone I only *kinda* liked. Or, I’d be in toxic relationships (the toxicity sometimes created by my own shit), because that pain was familiar and more comfortable than facing the unfamiliar pain of being alone.

But then, I moved across the country to live in an empty space, with my empty heart. And sure, I could’ve numbed with distractions that weren’t people, but I decided to explore what I habitually escaped from. To get curious about it and ask myself why I was afraid of it.

And so I did. And it was hard. And it brought up A LOT of shit. And I cried myself to sleep almost every single night for a month straight.

And...
...I lived.

Because pain is ephemeral.

This process taught me the importance of being alone and how to do it, but it also taught me to stop running away from my pain.

Pain is one of your greatest teachers and growth usually comes from the lowest places in your life.

And fuuuck. I came out wiser, stronger, and happier than ever before. Oh, and I discovered how much I actually love being alone.

My challenge for you is to ask: what pain am I running away from and why? Stop resisting and start exploring. Get curious, because there’s lessons in the pain⚡️

xx

Devi

Five Ways to Improve Your Masturbation Game

Happy National Mastυrbation Month! 💦 Here are five tips to up your mastυrbation game:

>> 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬: pleasure doesn’t exist with pressure. Many of us put tooo much focus on reaching the ever-so-famous-orgαsm, which can often deter us from even reaching it. If you don’t experience an orgαsm, it’s cool, it’s fine, and it isn’t a failed experience.

Let’s reframe that way of thinking, because pleasure feels good, regardless. And when we heavily focus on this destination point, it detracts from the enjoyment of the journey.

>> 𝐆𝐞𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲: focus on your senses, your breath, and how the pleasure makes you feel—not how you look, if it’s weird (it’s not), or the tasks you have to do tomorrow.

Be present. Whenever your mind races else where, come back to your breath.

>> 𝐋𝐞𝐭 𝐠𝐨 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐠𝐨 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧: there’s no “right way” to mastυrbate. Every women touches herself differently and requires different things. To discover what feels best for you, it’ll take exploration and trail & error.

Sex with Emily stated it perfectly, your vυlva is like an Rubik’s cube. It takes time to figure out.

>> 𝐄𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲: don’t just touch your vυlva, touch all of you. Seduce yourself, and touch yourself the way you’d want a partner to touch you.

>> 𝐔𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐲𝐬: you don’t 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 toys, but it does enhance your experience. My favorite toy company is Lelo.


Takeaway: explore, experiment, and most importantly, have fun 🤪

Your favorite slut,

Devi

Dealing With Rejection While Dating

I’ve been going on a lot of dates recently and with that, I’ve received rejection. Quite a bit, if I’m being honest.

And it hasn’t bothered me. Not even a little.

In fact, I expect it. Not in a self-deprecating way, but in a way where I’m completely aware that I don’t offer what most want: a monogamous relationship.

Currently, I’m not looking for something serious or exclusive. I’m down for something consistent, yet casual, 𝘪𝘧 I like you. But nothing more.

Furthermore, if my feelings do change—and I gravitate toward wanting a relationship—I still identify as mostly non-monogamous. Some people don’t want that, and that’s okay. But I do, and that’s also okay.

Rejection is nothing more than, “𝙷𝚎𝚢, 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚒𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝.”

We don’t need to take it personal, because it’s not. Rejection is about them, not about you. It doesn’t define you, detract from you, or make you less. It means that person wasn’t for you and you weren’t for them.

This is one the most important things to remember when you’re going on dates. You will face rejection and not everyone is going to like you.

And that’s not a problem.

You’re not going to be the key to everyone’s lock. Some will connect with you and some won’t. There’s even a chance you’ll come across a person who strongly dislikes you. For whatever reason they do. Maybe it’s because of the way you dress, the way you speak, the beliefs you hold, or they don’t have a definite reason—they just don’t like you.

And that’s not a problem either.

You don’t need to change. Or mold. Or pretend to like, want, or be things your not.

You be you. And let everything else adjust.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again (and again and again), but you don’t need anyone to like you. You just need you to like you.

And when you like you, dating gets easier, relationships get easier, and so does rejection.

Because at the end of the day, you know you always have you ⚡️

Jealousy is Your Best Friend

“But don’t you get jealous?!” A question I perpetually get asked when I bring up polyamory or non-monogamy.

The answer? Yes, sometimes I do. I’m human.

Jealousy is inevitable—for all of us. It doesn’t matter if you’re in an open dynamic, a closed dynamic, or if you’re in a relationship at all.

This is a feeling that arises for each one of us. And the problem isn’t experiencing it, the problem is most of us are afraid to feel it. We dodge it, avoid it, suppress it, or...we blame the person who brought it out in us and try to control the circumstance to shut the feeling down.

Sometimes we even identify with it, “I’m just a jealous person.”

^^ No, actually you’re a human—experiencing an emotion.

I want to invite you to view jealousy through a different lens, because this uncomfortable emotion is actually your friend. The type of friend who deeply cares about you, so they tell you exactly what you need to hear, and it’s usually the things you don’t want to hear. They don’t present it wrapped up in a pretty bow, they’re blunt and straight forward and sometimes it stings. BUT. You needed to hear it.

Jealousy shows you what you need to work on or what you need to work through to help you become a more confident version of yourself. So rather than dismissing it, in all the ways you often do—feel it and lean into it.

Question why it’s coming up for you and take the time to understand where it’s coming from and what it’s trying to tell you.

The process can look like this:

Why is this coming up for me? Does this person have something I want? Do I feel like they’re better than me? Am I afraid my partner will leave me for someone else?



Why do I feel that way? And what does that mean?



Do I need to realize my worth? Do I need to feel more secure in myself?

OR

Does this person have something I really want? And I’m projecting because I’m actually just upset with myself for not working toward it.



Jealousy can be used as a wake up call to finally go after what you really want OR feedback on things you need to work through internally.

Don’t let the discomfort of jealousy steer you away. It’s here to help you, boo. ⚡️

"Coming Out" Without a Label

Am I bisexual? A question I sat with and ruminated over for months. Coming out, for some, is easier, because they just know. For others—myself included—it takes time, because they don’t know.

All I knew was that the attraction was there, but I didn’t know how far that attraction went. I kissed women in the past, but kissing a woman is one thing, exploring her body is a whole other thing.

In October of 2017 I had my first experience with a woman. Instantly, it became clear to me that it wasn’t just admiration, it was more.

But here’s the catch...

Three months passed by, and at this point, I knew I loved being with women (I was even in polyamorous relationship with one), but I was uncertain about what that meant.

Does this make me bi? Could I be something other than bi? Would I be with a woman romantically, if a man wasn’t involved? WHAT THE FUCK DO I IDENTIFY AS?

I felt overwhelmingly frustrated and bemused which equated to hiding it. I didn’t talk about my experiences...or my girlfriend.

It wasn’t due to shame, it was more or so that I didn’t feel comfortable claiming a label....yet. And I knew if I did talk about it, people would ask, “So are you bi?!?!” “Are you gay?!?” “WHAT ARE YOU?!?!”

I didn’t want to be pried with questions I didn’t have the answers too. So, I avoided it all together.

My then-partners told me something extremely helpful and it made my “coming out” process a hell of a lot easier:

You don’t need a label in order to “come out” or to talk about the things that make you happy. People want black and white answers, but it isn’t your job to give it to them.

So, for awhile, it was just, “I’m Devon and I like both men and women.” If they asked for more, I just said, “I don’t know.”

^^ and there’s nothing wrong with that answer.

We get so wrapped up in labels and identities, which can create unnecessary stress, pressure, and removes the joy from the freedom of expression.

Don’t let labels or meanings keep you from exploring your sexuality. You’re YOU. And whatever you do doesn’t have to mean anything.

You’re more than welcome to claim a label...WHEN and IF it feels right, but you’re not obligated to take that on ⚡

Confession: I Like to Eat Food, Naked.

It was a December month in NYC, I decided to order Italian food in, rather than going out and having to face the brisk, cold air. While I waited for the delivery, I had sex with my then-partner because what’s better than food showing up after sex?

...but really, food post sex is the best—just saying.

I was sitting on the couch, completely naked, after devouring chicken parmesan.

And then, suddenly...it hit me.

How comfortable I felt in my body and how profoundly different that allowed me to show up.

I sat sprawled out, full belly and all—without self-deprecation. I could let every part of me be seen without the worry of what I looked like.

Years before this, eating while being naked or just being naked in general, wasn’t something I felt comfortable doing.

There’s this quote that says, “Need motivation to lose weight? Just eat in front of the mirror. Naked.“

When I first read that, I was a teenager and at the time, it seemed like great advice. Now, I understand how truly FUCKED up that quote is.

But that quote carried with me and played a massive role in how I felt in my skin. I believed my body wasn’t worthy of food, wasn’t worthy of love, wasn’t worthy of being seen in its rawest form...until I looked a certain way.

Yet, in that exact moment and even now, it’s not uncommon for me to get up from having sex, say, “I’m hungry,” and scurry off to the kitchen, naked, to eat.

What’s changed? I didn’t change my body, I changed my beliefs.

We go throughout our years believing our bodies are flawed and it traps us from experiencing some of life’s most precious gifts:

Love.
Sex.
Connection.
Intimacy.
Food.

You’ve been conditioned to think you’re flawed, but you’re not. The truth is the beliefs you attach to your body are flawed. And the wonderful thing is, you have the power to change those beliefs. You can pluck them from their roots and plant new.

You are worthy of love. Worthy of having orgasmic sex. Worthy of creating strong connections. Worthy of experiencing intimacy. Worthy of eating delicious food.

You don’t have to hustle to look a certain way in order to be worthy, to be seen, to be loved.

You’re worthy. Now and always.

Devi

What The F is Bacterial Vaginosis?

Your vagina is high maintenance. She craves your attention and has very delicate needs. The minute you don’t treat her the way she wants to be treated, she retaliates...

“𝙼𝚖𝚖𝚔𝚊𝚢, 𝚋𝚒𝚝𝚌𝚑. 𝙸’𝚖 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕 𝚞𝚗𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎.”

𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎,
𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚟𝚊𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚊
🖤☠️

And in some cases, you wind up with BV.

What the fuck is BV!? 🤷‍♀️

BV stands for bacterial vaginosis. It is not an STD. It develops when when there’s a disruption to the normal vaginal flora. In other words, there’s a change to the PH of your vagina. In order to maintain a solid PH balance, the good bacteria and bad bacteria need to be in healthy harmony. This can be difficult to do considering all the things that go in your vagina and around your vulva.

BV can be caused by a myriad of things, including:
>> harsh chemicals and fragrances
>> not changing your tampons regularly
>> frequent sex partners
>> clothing
>> poor diet

The main characteristic of BV is the odor. Typically, you’ll notice your vagina smells different or perhaps the smell is heightened.

If you have it, don’t be alarmed—it’s treatable, it’s common, and you’re not alone. About two out of five women have BV, but 84% of women don’t even realize they do; most women don’t even know what it is. Depending on how bad the imbalance is, it can dissipate on its own in a few days. But if not, see your gynecologist so you can treat it with antibiotics.

BV is known to be a reoccurring infection, so it’s not unlikely you’ll get it again.

Some things to consider to help prevent BV:

> Apple Cider Vinegar 🤪
> Let that bitch air out
> Don’t sit in sweaty gym clothes
> Buy cotton underwear
> Avoid the harsh chemicals and fragrances found in many soaps, lubricants, condoms, tampons, and pads.
> Thoroughly clean her with water, daily.
> If you prefer to use soap to wash her (it’s not necessary), use unscented soap. I like Dr. Bronner’s. And if you do use soap, stick to the SAME soap. Changing it up can throw off the PH. She doesn’t like being introduced to new things. She prefers familiarity.

So there you have it.

Lessons on your vagina from your favorite slut 💋

Devi