I Was Afraid To Be Alone
Historically, I was notorious for always being in a relationship, because I was afraid to be alone.
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Solitude felt much like a haunted house. If I dared to go in, I’d be doomed. Everything I feared—pain, trauma, heartache, emptiness, loneliness—would be there, lurking in the corner, waiting to jump out when I’m most vulnerable.
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I thought, if I walked into a relationship instead I'd successfully deflect my fear. But turns out, avoidance has insidious affects; those fears followed me and haunted every partnership I was in.
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I clung to people who weren’t good for me. I dated people I only kinda-liked. I stayed in relationships far past the expiration date. I bled on people who didn’t hurt me.
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People essentially were bandaids, covering up my wounds.
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Until, one day last October, I recognized all the ways I was the one creating my own suffering. That I needed to be responsible for my own healing, not put it in the hands of others.
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And so, I *finally* severed the relationship with my then-partner, and decided to conjure up the courage to explore what hid in the depths of that house.
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And to my surprise, I not only came out alive, but I came out wanting to go back in.
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All this time, I had been robbing myself of wealthy knowledge and discoveries that lived in the place I previously didn’t care to look.
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Solitariness, I’ve learned, isn’t a curse...it’s a gift. A place to gain wisdom, inner peace, clarity, create solutions, and heal what’s hurting.
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Journeying into my discomfort instead of away made me stronger, braver, more malleable, and solid in my being.
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I’ve been single for about a year now, and I’m in no rush to change that.
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I’m completely comfortable alone. And what I’ve realized is, when you’re okay existing with just you, it makes it easier to choose people because you truly want to.
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I’m picky now about who I give my energy to, and who I spend my time with. And as I’ve honed what I want and look for in a lover, in a partner, in a friend—I’ve learned how high my standards actually are, and I’m no longer afraid to turn away from anything less.
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And there’s so much freedom in that.
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Confront your fears, my loves. For there lies your liberation.