Mindset // Mental Health

Jealousy is Your Best Friend

“But don’t you get jealous?!” A question I perpetually get asked when I bring up polyamory or non-monogamy.

The answer? Yes, sometimes I do. I’m human.

Jealousy is inevitable—for all of us. It doesn’t matter if you’re in an open dynamic, a closed dynamic, or if you’re in a relationship at all.

This is a feeling that arises for each one of us. And the problem isn’t experiencing it, the problem is most of us are afraid to feel it. We dodge it, avoid it, suppress it, or...we blame the person who brought it out in us and try to control the circumstance to shut the feeling down.

Sometimes we even identify with it, “I’m just a jealous person.”

^^ No, actually you’re a human—experiencing an emotion.

I want to invite you to view jealousy through a different lens, because this uncomfortable emotion is actually your friend. The type of friend who deeply cares about you, so they tell you exactly what you need to hear, and it’s usually the things you don’t want to hear. They don’t present it wrapped up in a pretty bow, they’re blunt and straight forward and sometimes it stings. BUT. You needed to hear it.

Jealousy shows you what you need to work on or what you need to work through to help you become a more confident version of yourself. So rather than dismissing it, in all the ways you often do—feel it and lean into it.

Question why it’s coming up for you and take the time to understand where it’s coming from and what it’s trying to tell you.

The process can look like this:

Why is this coming up for me? Does this person have something I want? Do I feel like they’re better than me? Am I afraid my partner will leave me for someone else?



Why do I feel that way? And what does that mean?



Do I need to realize my worth? Do I need to feel more secure in myself?

OR

Does this person have something I really want? And I’m projecting because I’m actually just upset with myself for not working toward it.



Jealousy can be used as a wake up call to finally go after what you really want OR feedback on things you need to work through internally.

Don’t let the discomfort of jealousy steer you away. It’s here to help you, boo. ⚡️

"Coming Out" Without a Label

Am I bisexual? A question I sat with and ruminated over for months. Coming out, for some, is easier, because they just know. For others—myself included—it takes time, because they don’t know.

All I knew was that the attraction was there, but I didn’t know how far that attraction went. I kissed women in the past, but kissing a woman is one thing, exploring her body is a whole other thing.

In October of 2017 I had my first experience with a woman. Instantly, it became clear to me that it wasn’t just admiration, it was more.

But here’s the catch...

Three months passed by, and at this point, I knew I loved being with women (I was even in polyamorous relationship with one), but I was uncertain about what that meant.

Does this make me bi? Could I be something other than bi? Would I be with a woman romantically, if a man wasn’t involved? WHAT THE FUCK DO I IDENTIFY AS?

I felt overwhelmingly frustrated and bemused which equated to hiding it. I didn’t talk about my experiences...or my girlfriend.

It wasn’t due to shame, it was more or so that I didn’t feel comfortable claiming a label....yet. And I knew if I did talk about it, people would ask, “So are you bi?!?!” “Are you gay?!?” “WHAT ARE YOU?!?!”

I didn’t want to be pried with questions I didn’t have the answers too. So, I avoided it all together.

My then-partners told me something extremely helpful and it made my “coming out” process a hell of a lot easier:

You don’t need a label in order to “come out” or to talk about the things that make you happy. People want black and white answers, but it isn’t your job to give it to them.

So, for awhile, it was just, “I’m Devon and I like both men and women.” If they asked for more, I just said, “I don’t know.”

^^ and there’s nothing wrong with that answer.

We get so wrapped up in labels and identities, which can create unnecessary stress, pressure, and removes the joy from the freedom of expression.

Don’t let labels or meanings keep you from exploring your sexuality. You’re YOU. And whatever you do doesn’t have to mean anything.

You’re more than welcome to claim a label...WHEN and IF it feels right, but you’re not obligated to take that on ⚡

On Taking Things Personally

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words CAN hurt me. When someone says something unkind to me or has a poor opinion of me, admittedly, it does occasionally hurt me.

I’m by no means immune to peoples spiteful words, actions, or opinions. It inflicts pain from time to time.

And that’s okay. It’s okay if someone’s words cause upset. It’s okay to say, “Fuck. That really hurt to hear from you, because I *do* actually care about your opinion of me.”

Now, while I do wholeheartedly agree it’s important to operate from a place of internal validation. And, to also internalize that whatever someone says to you is a projection and a reflection of them...
...that doesn’t go without saying, you can still care about external opinions and sometimes, it can actually be useful to take things personally.

I think we’re doing a disservice to ourselves when we pretend it doesn’t hurt and when we write everything off as “it’s not about me.”

Here’s the thing: typically, the reason peoples opinions and words hurt us is because somewhere inside us we hold it as true about ourselves...or at least used to.

Or because we just fucking care. That’s okay, too.

But, rather than dismissing everything, I invite you to take a closer look as to WHY it does hurt you and WHY you are taking it personally.

Like I said, it can be extremely useful and an excellent tool to help with your growth and your healing.

You can see it as positive criticism, feedback, and data to help you discover what you need to work on or what you need to work through.

For example, let’s say they call you out for sucking at something, this could be an opportunity for you to WORK ON it. Or maybe, they say something negative about your body, and that could be a sign you have body image insecurities you need to WORK THROUGH. Or perhaps, if you’re taking everything personally—that’s a huge wake up call, saying, “Baby girl, you need to work on cultivating self-confidence and start seeking more internal validation.”

So, yeah, it *can* be helpful. It *can* be a tool for our growth. But also, don’t forget... sometimes, you do actually just need to tell someone to go fuck themselves. 🤪🖤☠️

Why NOT Setting Goals is Necessary

Over the past year, I haven’t tracked my macros or followed a fitness program, intentionally. I‘ve kinda sorta been in “maintenance.” In other words, I still showed up to my workouts and ate mindfully, but I’ve been relaxed about it.

...sometimes a little too relaxed. And it was very much needed.

Since high school, I’ve been consistently following protocols and constantly working toward a goal: lose body fat, build muscle, gain strength. I was perpetually going from one goal to the next.

That shit gets exhausting after awhile. And to be frank, I felt a bit jaded by the monotony of it all; going to the gym, lifting shit, putting it down, plugging my food into a calculator, tracking my progressions.

So, I decided to refrain from goal setting and kinda just do whatever the fuck I felt like doing. Sometimes that meant 15 minutes workouts, other times it meant 45 minutes, and occasionally it just meant moving my body to a few songs.

Listen, you don’t have to be doing and achieving all the time. Too often, we jump from task to task, goal to goal. As a result, we wind up bunt out, and yet despite our exhaustion, we continue to hustle.

I want to invite you to slow down. To do less. To just play. To have fun. To stop taking things in life so seriously, especially your damn fitness routine.

Chill the fuck out.

Slow is ok. Doing less or even nothing at all is ok. Change is ok. Being lazy is ok. In fact, it’s necessary. You’re human and human bodies don’t function well under loads of stress. You need rest. You need time from doing. You need space to recenter. Not just on your fitness journey, but from everything in life.

Give yourself those *mandatory* breaks. You deserve it. You need it.

To chilling the fuck out,

Devi

Getting Out of An Abusive Relationship

“You’re not stuck here. You’re choosing to stay here.” A rude awakening to say the least. These were the exact words I said to myself when I found myself in an abusive relationship.

We don’t walk into a partnership with someone knowing they’re going to abuse us. In the beginning, even with an abuser, it’s beautiful and they treat you beautifully. Being with them makes you feel like pure ecstasy is running through your body. You’re beaming with love and excitement and happiness.

But, somewhere down the line, when people get 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 comfortable—they take off their masks. And sometimes, underneath that it isn’t so pretty.

I’ve grown up watching people who are close to me be in abusive relationships. You would think I would know if I was in one. However, for the longest time, I didn’t... but perhaps, that’s because it was a different type of abuse.

Many of us, including myself for a while, have this erroneous assumption that abuse is only physical. But it’s not. It can be verbal and emotional.

𝐒𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞: manipulation, control, gaslighting, intimidation, humiliation, treating you like a servant and putting most responsibilities on you, keeping you from work, making threats to hurt themself, smashing or destroying things, making you feel afraid and unsafe.

And... when do call them out, they’ll try to justify it. They’ll minimize or deny or blame the behavior on you.

You stay, because well for starters, they’re really good at changing your mind. They change the narrative to change your mind, perpetually. But also, it’s either a familiar cycle from your past or because you’re in love. Because you’re so far invested. Because you see changes in them, and when you see those slivers of change—it gives you hope.

I’ve been in two abusive relationships and I know how hard it is to leave. Especially when they feed you all the poetic bullshit, like: You’re the only one who gets me, understands me, knows how to show up for me. You make me feel safe, seen, and heard. You’re special. You’re not like anyone else. I’m doing my best to change and break my patterns. Please don’t give up on me.

Here’s the thing: abusers say they’re going to change. And they do...for awhile, until they don’t. Until they have you back in their grips, and then they repeat the same patterns and behaviors...over and over again.

That’s how part of the cycle works.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, I want you to know it doesn’t mean you’re weak. You’re likely a deeply compassionate and understanding individual. You feel for them and want to help them.

But also know: it’s not your job to fix them, it’s theirs. Their job. Their work. Their responsibility.

You’ve done enough. You’ve had enough.

There’s a way out. I promise. You’re not stuck. Leaving is hard—trust me, I know—but staying is even harder.

Please don’t let them convince you otherwise. You deserve so much more than this. There’s other options waiting for you.

You are self-sourced, independent, resourceful, and capable of taking care of yourself.

You are worth so much more than what they’ll ever give you. You deserve to be treated like the god damn queen that you are.

You’ve got this, babe. I believe in you.

Confession: I Like to Eat Food, Naked.

It was a December month in NYC, I decided to order Italian food in, rather than going out and having to face the brisk, cold air. While I waited for the delivery, I had sex with my then-partner because what’s better than food showing up after sex?

...but really, food post sex is the best—just saying.

I was sitting on the couch, completely naked, after devouring chicken parmesan.

And then, suddenly...it hit me.

How comfortable I felt in my body and how profoundly different that allowed me to show up.

I sat sprawled out, full belly and all—without self-deprecation. I could let every part of me be seen without the worry of what I looked like.

Years before this, eating while being naked or just being naked in general, wasn’t something I felt comfortable doing.

There’s this quote that says, “Need motivation to lose weight? Just eat in front of the mirror. Naked.“

When I first read that, I was a teenager and at the time, it seemed like great advice. Now, I understand how truly FUCKED up that quote is.

But that quote carried with me and played a massive role in how I felt in my skin. I believed my body wasn’t worthy of food, wasn’t worthy of love, wasn’t worthy of being seen in its rawest form...until I looked a certain way.

Yet, in that exact moment and even now, it’s not uncommon for me to get up from having sex, say, “I’m hungry,” and scurry off to the kitchen, naked, to eat.

What’s changed? I didn’t change my body, I changed my beliefs.

We go throughout our years believing our bodies are flawed and it traps us from experiencing some of life’s most precious gifts:

Love.
Sex.
Connection.
Intimacy.
Food.

You’ve been conditioned to think you’re flawed, but you’re not. The truth is the beliefs you attach to your body are flawed. And the wonderful thing is, you have the power to change those beliefs. You can pluck them from their roots and plant new.

You are worthy of love. Worthy of having orgasmic sex. Worthy of creating strong connections. Worthy of experiencing intimacy. Worthy of eating delicious food.

You don’t have to hustle to look a certain way in order to be worthy, to be seen, to be loved.

You’re worthy. Now and always.

Devi

Overcoming an Eating Disorder

Food controlled about five years of my life. For those who don’t know, I suffered from a life-shattering eating disorder.

It all started in high school. I wanted to change my body to fit society’s fucked up standards of beauty. So, I started dieting. Obsessively. I was constantly following something and I tried just about everything. Juice cleanses. Low carb. Low fat. Paleo. Vegan. The military diet. Weight Watchers. Keto. Calorie restricting. There was even a week when I only ate baby food (😣).

I’d follow these diets for a week or two at a time, and when I “messed up” or deprivation sank in—I ate anything I could get my hands on. If there wasn’t enough food at home, I’d go to the grocery store to buy more.

Let me clarify: Binging is NOT Thanksgiving. It is NOT overeating. It’s eating a meal, and then scavenging through your cabinets to see what else you can eat; cookies, ice cream, bread, peanut butter, rice cakes—all in one sitting. You might start munching on food you don’t like. And after an episode of binging, you can’t move. You’ve stuffed yourself to the point of overwhelming discomfort.

For the longest time, I didn’t even realize it was an eating disorder. I assumed I couldn’t “get my shit together.” That I just needed to learn to control myself. But that wasn’t actually the case.

You see, an eating disorder is much deeper than having willpower around food. It’s a mask that disguises your insecurities, your pain, and your suffering. For some, it’s a coping mechanism to numb. For others, like myself, it‘s caused by body dysmorphia.

An eating disorder is not fixed by “fixing” your body or following a diet you can finally adhere to.

Recovery involves the unpacking of why and how it developed. It’s addressing the underlying issue and dismantling through all the narratives that are robbing you from feeling normal around food and in your body.

Healing isn’t linear, either. This journey is full of disarray; ups and downs. But healing is possible. I’m walking example and if you’re struggling, you will be one day, too. I believe in you. There is freedom. I promise.

Keep going. Keep trying. Keep believing.

Devi

Unpacking My Trauma

I had a breakdown on Monday. I found myself riddled with crippling anxiety, brought on by the unpacking of trauma—from my childhood and past relationships.

Sorting through your baggage isn’t exactly a fun task. You’re recognizing restrictive patterns and limiting behaviors that need to be disrupted. You’re learning about why you are the way you are, why you do the things you do, why you feel like you need certain things. You might even come up on something you weren’t aware of before.

Through this unpacking, unfolding, unearthing—you’re processing a lot. Sometimes an insufferable amount all in one sitting, which often feels impossible to digest.

I get why people turn away for this process. It’s painfully hard, it’s uncomfortable, it’s unfamiliar. There’s no numbing, suppressing, blaming, or avoiding. You are forced to face the darkness, sit in the discomfort, take radical responsibility, and in a way—relive trauma.

I understandably get and relate to your struggle. I’ve experienced a tremendous amount of resistance the deeper I dive into my own healing process.

But, we must remind ourselves, in order to heal and grow past our confinement, it’s absolutely necessary. To feel is to heal. To face is to overcome.

Look at these things with curiosity, rather than trepidation and judgment. To know the pain is ephemeral. To realize light exists in these shadows. It’s a pathway to the highest expression and expansion of your being.  There is bliss, joy, and freedom past your suffering—but you must be willing to work through it.

I promise you’ll make it through and when you do, you’ll be transformed, renewed, liberated.

I believe in you and I love you.

Devi

Are You a People-Pleaser? Here's How to Stop.

I have a confession: I’m a recovering people-pleaser. For the longest time, I never saw it as a problem.

I operated under the erroneous assumption that this made me a good person. It meant I was this easy going, compassionate being who wants to make sure everyone’s taken care of and happy.

And then, it was brought to my attention that it actually was a fucking problem. I’d perpetually find myself in situations I didn’t want to be in. I habitually said yes and put on a facade acting like it was all okay...when deep down it wasn’t. I sacrificed my needs to serve others.

Can you relate?

If so, it’s time to neglect this tendency, because it’s working against you in every damaging way imaginable. And trust me, I get it. There’s resistance and discomfort to say no. Vocalizing your truth can be difficult.

BUT.

You can’t afford to put yourself last anymore. Do not trivialize your needs for others because your needs are just as important. Practice relinquishing this tendency by internalizing these truths:

☠️ You. Are. Worthy.

Your worth isn’t placed in others. It isn’t found externally. It isn’t defined by success or money.

You’re worthy simply because you exist. The end.

You’re not a doormat for people to walk all over. You’re worth more than that. You’re worth giving yourself the same love, respect, and care you give others to yourself. And you deserve to give it to yourself first, before anyone else.

☠️ We usually people-please as a way to gain control; to control how others perceive us, feel about us, or how a situation plays out.

Truth: the only thing in life you can control is how YOU feel and how YOU respond. You can’t control the outcome or how others feel or how they react.

☠️ Accept that not everyone’s going to like you and know that it’s okay, because all you ever need is for YOU to like you.

Seek validation internally, not externally. We often put the responsibility on others to love us, take care of us, show up for us...but it’s not their job—it’s yours. And it is their job to do the same for themselves—not yours.

☠️ When someone asks something of you, give yourself time to respond. Reply with, “I’ll get back to you.”

This gives you the space to process and decide if you have the bandwidth or if you even want to do it.

Set those boundaries, baby girl.

Devi

To Heal, You Must Feel

A few weeks ago, an unpleasant situation emerged that catalyzed a cascade of emotions:

Anxiety.
Fear.
Panic.
Anger.
Annoyance.
Nervousness.
Embarrassment.
Guilt.
Shame.

And it all spiraled me into the depths of deep and utter sadness. 

Experiencing a range of uncomfortable and painful emotions in one day ain’t fun. It fucking sucks. But, these days do happen and these feelings do occur; not every day is going to be seamless and blissful—some days it’s going to full of disarray, chaos, and disharmony.

So, in the midst of the upheaval, I gave myself permission to express each emotion, without judgement. I screamed and yelled “𝐖𝐓𝐅!” at least five times. I stomped my feet, aggressively. And I shed to tears, numerous times throughout the day.

I sat in the discomfort. I felt each emotion—questioning them, taking time to understand them, figuring out where they’re coming from and what they’re rooted in. In doing so, I emptied myself from them, because to feel them is also to relinquish. From there, my next step in healing was to move forward; to not sit, cling, or stay in my suffering for too long. So, I asked myself, “𝙽𝚘𝚠 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚍𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍, 𝙳𝚎𝚟𝚘𝚗? 𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝‘𝚜 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝟷% 𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚘𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜?”

I took the day off. I called a friend. I watched comedy. I journaled. I sang. And I went to bed early.

Everyone’s healing process looks different. But I know one things for certain: to heal you must feel. Too often, we try to run away, numb, deny, or suppress. We think if we avoid it, it’s gone. But in reality, it’s living inside us. It’s bubbling below the surface and you’re carrying the weight of its heaviness.

Cut that shit out, my dear.

Open and unpack the baggage. You’ll feel lighter afterward. I promise.

Hugs,

Devi