Getting Out of An Abusive Relationship

“You’re not stuck here. You’re choosing to stay here.” A rude awakening to say the least. These were the exact words I said to myself when I found myself in an abusive relationship.

We don’t walk into a partnership with someone knowing they’re going to abuse us. In the beginning, even with an abuser, it’s beautiful and they treat you beautifully. Being with them makes you feel like pure ecstasy is running through your body. You’re beaming with love and excitement and happiness.

But, somewhere down the line, when people get 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 comfortable—they take off their masks. And sometimes, underneath that it isn’t so pretty.

I’ve grown up watching people who are close to me be in abusive relationships. You would think I would know if I was in one. However, for the longest time, I didn’t... but perhaps, that’s because it was a different type of abuse.

Many of us, including myself for a while, have this erroneous assumption that abuse is only physical. But it’s not. It can be verbal and emotional.

𝐒𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞: manipulation, control, gaslighting, intimidation, humiliation, treating you like a servant and putting most responsibilities on you, keeping you from work, making threats to hurt themself, smashing or destroying things, making you feel afraid and unsafe.

And... when do call them out, they’ll try to justify it. They’ll minimize or deny or blame the behavior on you.

You stay, because well for starters, they’re really good at changing your mind. They change the narrative to change your mind, perpetually. But also, it’s either a familiar cycle from your past or because you’re in love. Because you’re so far invested. Because you see changes in them, and when you see those slivers of change—it gives you hope.

I’ve been in two abusive relationships and I know how hard it is to leave. Especially when they feed you all the poetic bullshit, like: You’re the only one who gets me, understands me, knows how to show up for me. You make me feel safe, seen, and heard. You’re special. You’re not like anyone else. I’m doing my best to change and break my patterns. Please don’t give up on me.

Here’s the thing: abusers say they’re going to change. And they do...for awhile, until they don’t. Until they have you back in their grips, and then they repeat the same patterns and behaviors...over and over again.

That’s how part of the cycle works.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, I want you to know it doesn’t mean you’re weak. You’re likely a deeply compassionate and understanding individual. You feel for them and want to help them.

But also know: it’s not your job to fix them, it’s theirs. Their job. Their work. Their responsibility.

You’ve done enough. You’ve had enough.

There’s a way out. I promise. You’re not stuck. Leaving is hard—trust me, I know—but staying is even harder.

Please don’t let them convince you otherwise. You deserve so much more than this. There’s other options waiting for you.

You are self-sourced, independent, resourceful, and capable of taking care of yourself.

You are worth so much more than what they’ll ever give you. You deserve to be treated like the god damn queen that you are.

You’ve got this, babe. I believe in you.

Confession: I Like to Eat Food, Naked.

It was a December month in NYC, I decided to order Italian food in, rather than going out and having to face the brisk, cold air. While I waited for the delivery, I had sex with my then-partner because what’s better than food showing up after sex?

...but really, food post sex is the best—just saying.

I was sitting on the couch, completely naked, after devouring chicken parmesan.

And then, suddenly...it hit me.

How comfortable I felt in my body and how profoundly different that allowed me to show up.

I sat sprawled out, full belly and all—without self-deprecation. I could let every part of me be seen without the worry of what I looked like.

Years before this, eating while being naked or just being naked in general, wasn’t something I felt comfortable doing.

There’s this quote that says, “Need motivation to lose weight? Just eat in front of the mirror. Naked.“

When I first read that, I was a teenager and at the time, it seemed like great advice. Now, I understand how truly FUCKED up that quote is.

But that quote carried with me and played a massive role in how I felt in my skin. I believed my body wasn’t worthy of food, wasn’t worthy of love, wasn’t worthy of being seen in its rawest form...until I looked a certain way.

Yet, in that exact moment and even now, it’s not uncommon for me to get up from having sex, say, “I’m hungry,” and scurry off to the kitchen, naked, to eat.

What’s changed? I didn’t change my body, I changed my beliefs.

We go throughout our years believing our bodies are flawed and it traps us from experiencing some of life’s most precious gifts:

Love.
Sex.
Connection.
Intimacy.
Food.

You’ve been conditioned to think you’re flawed, but you’re not. The truth is the beliefs you attach to your body are flawed. And the wonderful thing is, you have the power to change those beliefs. You can pluck them from their roots and plant new.

You are worthy of love. Worthy of having orgasmic sex. Worthy of creating strong connections. Worthy of experiencing intimacy. Worthy of eating delicious food.

You don’t have to hustle to look a certain way in order to be worthy, to be seen, to be loved.

You’re worthy. Now and always.

Devi

Overcoming an Eating Disorder

Food controlled about five years of my life. For those who don’t know, I suffered from a life-shattering eating disorder.

It all started in high school. I wanted to change my body to fit society’s fucked up standards of beauty. So, I started dieting. Obsessively. I was constantly following something and I tried just about everything. Juice cleanses. Low carb. Low fat. Paleo. Vegan. The military diet. Weight Watchers. Keto. Calorie restricting. There was even a week when I only ate baby food (😣).

I’d follow these diets for a week or two at a time, and when I “messed up” or deprivation sank in—I ate anything I could get my hands on. If there wasn’t enough food at home, I’d go to the grocery store to buy more.

Let me clarify: Binging is NOT Thanksgiving. It is NOT overeating. It’s eating a meal, and then scavenging through your cabinets to see what else you can eat; cookies, ice cream, bread, peanut butter, rice cakes—all in one sitting. You might start munching on food you don’t like. And after an episode of binging, you can’t move. You’ve stuffed yourself to the point of overwhelming discomfort.

For the longest time, I didn’t even realize it was an eating disorder. I assumed I couldn’t “get my shit together.” That I just needed to learn to control myself. But that wasn’t actually the case.

You see, an eating disorder is much deeper than having willpower around food. It’s a mask that disguises your insecurities, your pain, and your suffering. For some, it’s a coping mechanism to numb. For others, like myself, it‘s caused by body dysmorphia.

An eating disorder is not fixed by “fixing” your body or following a diet you can finally adhere to.

Recovery involves the unpacking of why and how it developed. It’s addressing the underlying issue and dismantling through all the narratives that are robbing you from feeling normal around food and in your body.

Healing isn’t linear, either. This journey is full of disarray; ups and downs. But healing is possible. I’m walking example and if you’re struggling, you will be one day, too. I believe in you. There is freedom. I promise.

Keep going. Keep trying. Keep believing.

Devi

Unpacking My Trauma

I had a breakdown on Monday. I found myself riddled with crippling anxiety, brought on by the unpacking of trauma—from my childhood and past relationships.

Sorting through your baggage isn’t exactly a fun task. You’re recognizing restrictive patterns and limiting behaviors that need to be disrupted. You’re learning about why you are the way you are, why you do the things you do, why you feel like you need certain things. You might even come up on something you weren’t aware of before.

Through this unpacking, unfolding, unearthing—you’re processing a lot. Sometimes an insufferable amount all in one sitting, which often feels impossible to digest.

I get why people turn away for this process. It’s painfully hard, it’s uncomfortable, it’s unfamiliar. There’s no numbing, suppressing, blaming, or avoiding. You are forced to face the darkness, sit in the discomfort, take radical responsibility, and in a way—relive trauma.

I understandably get and relate to your struggle. I’ve experienced a tremendous amount of resistance the deeper I dive into my own healing process.

But, we must remind ourselves, in order to heal and grow past our confinement, it’s absolutely necessary. To feel is to heal. To face is to overcome.

Look at these things with curiosity, rather than trepidation and judgment. To know the pain is ephemeral. To realize light exists in these shadows. It’s a pathway to the highest expression and expansion of your being.  There is bliss, joy, and freedom past your suffering—but you must be willing to work through it.

I promise you’ll make it through and when you do, you’ll be transformed, renewed, liberated.

I believe in you and I love you.

Devi

Are You a People-Pleaser? Here's How to Stop.

I have a confession: I’m a recovering people-pleaser. For the longest time, I never saw it as a problem.

I operated under the erroneous assumption that this made me a good person. It meant I was this easy going, compassionate being who wants to make sure everyone’s taken care of and happy.

And then, it was brought to my attention that it actually was a fucking problem. I’d perpetually find myself in situations I didn’t want to be in. I habitually said yes and put on a facade acting like it was all okay...when deep down it wasn’t. I sacrificed my needs to serve others.

Can you relate?

If so, it’s time to neglect this tendency, because it’s working against you in every damaging way imaginable. And trust me, I get it. There’s resistance and discomfort to say no. Vocalizing your truth can be difficult.

BUT.

You can’t afford to put yourself last anymore. Do not trivialize your needs for others because your needs are just as important. Practice relinquishing this tendency by internalizing these truths:

☠️ You. Are. Worthy.

Your worth isn’t placed in others. It isn’t found externally. It isn’t defined by success or money.

You’re worthy simply because you exist. The end.

You’re not a doormat for people to walk all over. You’re worth more than that. You’re worth giving yourself the same love, respect, and care you give others to yourself. And you deserve to give it to yourself first, before anyone else.

☠️ We usually people-please as a way to gain control; to control how others perceive us, feel about us, or how a situation plays out.

Truth: the only thing in life you can control is how YOU feel and how YOU respond. You can’t control the outcome or how others feel or how they react.

☠️ Accept that not everyone’s going to like you and know that it’s okay, because all you ever need is for YOU to like you.

Seek validation internally, not externally. We often put the responsibility on others to love us, take care of us, show up for us...but it’s not their job—it’s yours. And it is their job to do the same for themselves—not yours.

☠️ When someone asks something of you, give yourself time to respond. Reply with, “I’ll get back to you.”

This gives you the space to process and decide if you have the bandwidth or if you even want to do it.

Set those boundaries, baby girl.

Devi

How to Find a Great Online Coach

How to find a great coach AND the *right* coach for you 👇

Firstly, before anything else, as you may or may not know there has been an uproar in the fitness industry—rightfully and understandably so. People are calling out the coaches who are not delivering on they’re promises.

Of course, it’s utterly frustrating, upsetting, and downright fucking horrible that coaches do scam people. But, the unfortunate truth is in every profession, niche, industry—there are people who just...suck 🤷‍♀️

On the bright side, there are also those who don’t suck. And if we only focus on those ones who do, we forget about the those ones who don’t.

Please don’t let the bad coaches set the tone or diminish the value of coaching. Don’t let this paralyze you from making what could be best investment for yourself. Working with a coach can dramatically improve and change the trajectory of your life.

So, without further ado, here are two things to look for when picking a coach:

They get to know you prior to working together

During the application process, if they send you a link to pay right off the bat, without getting to know you—red flag.

Do. Not. Signup.

A great coach will ask questions to understand who you are and what you need to figure out if they can help you and if you two a good match for each other.

They’re open to your questions.

They might be an amazing coach, but they might not be the coach for you. This is why it’s just as important for YOU to ask questions before working with them.

Questions you can ask: what they’re expectations are from you as a client; how communication works; a rundown of what exactly you’re getting; the approach and methods they use; if they’ve helped someone like you before.

When you ask them questions, it does two things: it allows you to figure out if they offer exactly what you need AND it weeds out the bad coaches. They should be open and willing to answer questions. If they’re not open to your questions—red flag.

Hope this helps!

Devi

What The F is Bacterial Vaginosis?

Your vagina is high maintenance. She craves your attention and has very delicate needs. The minute you don’t treat her the way she wants to be treated, she retaliates...

“𝙼𝚖𝚖𝚔𝚊𝚢, 𝚋𝚒𝚝𝚌𝚑. 𝙸’𝚖 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕 𝚞𝚗𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎.”

𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎,
𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚟𝚊𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚊
🖤☠️

And in some cases, you wind up with BV.

What the fuck is BV!? 🤷‍♀️

BV stands for bacterial vaginosis. It is not an STD. It develops when when there’s a disruption to the normal vaginal flora. In other words, there’s a change to the PH of your vagina. In order to maintain a solid PH balance, the good bacteria and bad bacteria need to be in healthy harmony. This can be difficult to do considering all the things that go in your vagina and around your vulva.

BV can be caused by a myriad of things, including:
>> harsh chemicals and fragrances
>> not changing your tampons regularly
>> frequent sex partners
>> clothing
>> poor diet

The main characteristic of BV is the odor. Typically, you’ll notice your vagina smells different or perhaps the smell is heightened.

If you have it, don’t be alarmed—it’s treatable, it’s common, and you’re not alone. About two out of five women have BV, but 84% of women don’t even realize they do; most women don’t even know what it is. Depending on how bad the imbalance is, it can dissipate on its own in a few days. But if not, see your gynecologist so you can treat it with antibiotics.

BV is known to be a reoccurring infection, so it’s not unlikely you’ll get it again.

Some things to consider to help prevent BV:

> Apple Cider Vinegar 🤪
> Let that bitch air out
> Don’t sit in sweaty gym clothes
> Buy cotton underwear
> Avoid the harsh chemicals and fragrances found in many soaps, lubricants, condoms, tampons, and pads.
> Thoroughly clean her with water, daily.
> If you prefer to use soap to wash her (it’s not necessary), use unscented soap. I like Dr. Bronner’s. And if you do use soap, stick to the SAME soap. Changing it up can throw off the PH. She doesn’t like being introduced to new things. She prefers familiarity.

So there you have it.

Lessons on your vagina from your favorite slut 💋

Devi

Benefits of Apple Cider Vinegar

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Drinking my daily ACV shot, per usual. All the dirty details on why and how and when is below:

𝐁𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐅𝐈𝐓𝐒:
•promotes healthy blood sugar levels
•aids in digestion
•regulates ph
•great for your vaginal health — yay! (if you struggle with BV or yeast infections, ACV is your best friend).

𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐎:

Take a tablespoon or two of ACV (preferably one that is raw, organic, unfiltered, & unpasteurized), dilute it in water, add lemon or lime — drink up!

𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐓𝐎:
I personally take it 2-3x a day right before meals

P.S. I’m thoroughly enjoying the daily IG stories of you all drinking an ACV shot — keep it up, magical humans! I’m happy you’re all on board and taking daily action steps for your health 🖤 #proudofyouuu #acvshots

To Heal, You Must Feel

A few weeks ago, an unpleasant situation emerged that catalyzed a cascade of emotions:

Anxiety.
Fear.
Panic.
Anger.
Annoyance.
Nervousness.
Embarrassment.
Guilt.
Shame.

And it all spiraled me into the depths of deep and utter sadness. 

Experiencing a range of uncomfortable and painful emotions in one day ain’t fun. It fucking sucks. But, these days do happen and these feelings do occur; not every day is going to be seamless and blissful—some days it’s going to full of disarray, chaos, and disharmony.

So, in the midst of the upheaval, I gave myself permission to express each emotion, without judgement. I screamed and yelled “𝐖𝐓𝐅!” at least five times. I stomped my feet, aggressively. And I shed to tears, numerous times throughout the day.

I sat in the discomfort. I felt each emotion—questioning them, taking time to understand them, figuring out where they’re coming from and what they’re rooted in. In doing so, I emptied myself from them, because to feel them is also to relinquish. From there, my next step in healing was to move forward; to not sit, cling, or stay in my suffering for too long. So, I asked myself, “𝙽𝚘𝚠 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚍𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍, 𝙳𝚎𝚟𝚘𝚗? 𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝‘𝚜 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝟷% 𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚘𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜?”

I took the day off. I called a friend. I watched comedy. I journaled. I sang. And I went to bed early.

Everyone’s healing process looks different. But I know one things for certain: to heal you must feel. Too often, we try to run away, numb, deny, or suppress. We think if we avoid it, it’s gone. But in reality, it’s living inside us. It’s bubbling below the surface and you’re carrying the weight of its heaviness.

Cut that shit out, my dear.

Open and unpack the baggage. You’ll feel lighter afterward. I promise.

Hugs,

Devi

What "Slut" Means to Me

I’m a slut and I’d like to expand on what that exactly means.

So...let’s start with this: 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒖𝒄𝒌 𝒊𝒔 𝒂 𝒔𝒍𝒖𝒕,𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒘𝒂𝒚? To me, a slut is a term used to describe how a women shows up sexually, which can look different from person to person.

Let me explain:

Most people assume a slut is a woman who’s constantly on the prowl to get fucked and tends to have one night stands frequently. And sure, it 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 mean that. Some women LOVE novelty regularly, which is totally okay and cool and her preference.

But.

There’s also the woman who considers herself slutty, and yet, she absolutely hates one night stands (oh, hey. It’s me 🙋‍♀️). They’re sexually open, dress provocatively, and love to fuck. They just would rather spend quality time with someone and really get to know them before engaging in an interaction.

As I’ve stated, a slut can look entirely different from person to person and means a myriad of things. Neither scenarios are wrong or right, better or worse. They’re just personal preferences and those preferences vary.

Just because a woman doesn’t sleep around does NOT set her on a moral high ground. And if a woman does sleep around it does NOT mean she lacks disrespect for herself. It’s simply her choice and what she enjoys.

So, back to my original point: I’m a slut, proudly and unapologetically. However, it took work to get here. I had to spend time reclaiming the word, because quite frankly the notion that a woman is “dirty” for showing off her body or sleeping with people just didn’t sit right with me. Society conditioned me to believe it‘s inappropriate, but IT’S NOT.

A woman is allowed to explore her sexuality in whatever way feels most authentic to her, and whatever that looks like is her choice; her choice is not wrong nor does it mean anything other than what she wants it to mean.

And to me being a slut means, I’m sexually open and embrace the fuck out of it. That’s it.