Relationships

Overcoming an Eating Disorder & Body Dysmorphia

It’s been a little over two years since I severely suffered from an eating disorder and body dysmorphia. And fuck. That struggle was life shattering in all the ways something can be, because it affected so many areas of my life.

Hating my body started in my earliest days, too. And the more and more I became aware of my body, the more and more that feeling intensified.

There were so many factors that lead into this. To start, I watched other women in my life obsess over their bodies and listened to them shame themselves for not being small enough.

That had it’s own effect and in a way programmed me to believe that was normal behavior.

Mixed with that, there was (still is) social pressure to look a certain way; constantly inundated with images and messages on how you should look. You’re spoon fed the idea that if you want to be loved, popular, successful, celebrated, happy...you MUST live up to these flawless expectations.

And I tried and I never achieved it, because it’s impossible. Because perfection doesn’t exist. Because what you see is distorted and photoshopped.

But, at the time, I didn’t have that awareness, so I grew to hate my body even more. And that hate and obsession is what catalyzed my eating disorder.

This a huge epidemic so many face, and it’s no surprise as to why. We’re taught how to hate ourselves. To berate ourselves, judge ourselves, be hard on ourselves, and constantly change ourselves.

Instead of being taught to accept, while striving to be the best version of ourselves—in a compassionate and loving way.

Once I realized that for myself, I had to spend time digging, unpacking, and relearning years of conditioning. And anyone who says that process is easy, they’re lying to you. It’s not. Loving yourself is hard because you’re told day in and day out not to.

I want to remind you not to hate yourself FOR hating yourself, because it isn’t your fault. To practice being gentler with yourself a little more everyday. To practice replacing hate with something neutral, as opposed to jumping right into something positive. To practice, even when resistance comes in. To practice, because you deserve it. Because you’re worth it.

xx

Devi

The Fear of Being Alone

When I moved from NYC to California, I was confronted with one of my fears: being alone.

Being alone meant sitting with my thoughts, feelings, insecurities, fears, heartbreak, and trauma from the past; the things I didn’t want to process because I knew it’d painful and uncomfortable.

So, I avoided it by being in relationships.

I was that person who jumped from one relationship to the next without giving myself space to process the severing of the last one.

^ not the best decision, because what happens is you carry the trash from the last relationship into the next and create a mess.

And because I jumped into relationships, I was basically saying, “I know we just met and I don’t really know you yet, but you give me attention and check *some* of my boxes... so uh, yeah, let’s be an exclusive thing?!”

I was settling and finding myself in unfulfilling partnerships. I’d either be with someone I only *kinda* liked. Or, I’d be in toxic relationships (the toxicity sometimes created by my own shit), because that pain was familiar and more comfortable than facing the unfamiliar pain of being alone.

But then, I moved across the country to live in an empty space, with my empty heart. And sure, I could’ve numbed with distractions that weren’t people, but I decided to explore what I habitually escaped from. To get curious about it and ask myself why I was afraid of it.

And so I did. And it was hard. And it brought up A LOT of shit. And I cried myself to sleep almost every single night for a month straight.

And...
...I lived.

Because pain is ephemeral.

This process taught me the importance of being alone and how to do it, but it also taught me to stop running away from my pain.

Pain is one of your greatest teachers and growth usually comes from the lowest places in your life.

And fuuuck. I came out wiser, stronger, and happier than ever before. Oh, and I discovered how much I actually love being alone.

My challenge for you is to ask: what pain am I running away from and why? Stop resisting and start exploring. Get curious, because there’s lessons in the pain⚡️

xx

Devi

Loving Yourself is Hard

“Just love yourself,” they say (🧐). As if it was easy. As if you could undo and reprogram everything you’ve been taught—from the beginning—with a flip of switch. As if you could rewrite the script you’ve been rehearsing for years, and memorize an entirely new narrative overnight.

“Aha. You’re so right. Why didn’t I ever think of that?! Let me just looveeee myself.”

LOL.

This notion floating around that repeating positive affirmations and relinquishing people’s opinions will fix all your problems, IS the problem.

Don’t get me wrong, these are effective tools that put you in an advantageous position and they’re part of the puzzle piece. But, it’s far more than just saying words and releasing the need for external validation.

While there is good intent behind this messaging, it can be extremely crippling and harmful to those learning how to love themselves.

Because what happens is you’ll look in the mirror, repeat the affirmation, and think, “Why isn’t this fucking working? How come everyone on Instagram loves themselves by saying this and it doesn’t do anything for me.”

All it did was perpetuate more judgement, more self-criticism, and made you feel even worse.

As much as I wish it was an overly simplistic process; that you could just tell yourself you ‘love yourself,’ and then all of your insecurities, fears, bruises, and problems evaporate.

It just doesn’t work that way.

I want you to know that wherever you are right now and however you feel, you are perfectly okay. You’re exactly where you need to be.

AND you can take ONE step forward in the direction you’re longing for.

Maybe it’s reading a book, hiring a body image coach, going to therapy, moving your body consistently, eating a vegetable, working with me (🤪). Whatever makes YOU feel 1% better.

It’s your process, boo. Don’t let this skewed version of self love make you think it’s supposed to be seamless and quick and constantly full of light. It’s not.

Hang in there. I know it’s tough. But, I believe in you and I’m here to help you, if you need. 🖤 Luuuh you.

Devi

Is This How You Want to Spend Your Life?

There’s one thing in life we all know that’s absolutely guaranteed: 𝐢𝐭’𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐝.

𝚈𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎...
...𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝.

Within a second, your life will flash before your eyes. 𝘈𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘵. 𝘈𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝗚𝗼𝗻𝗲. It’s finished with nothing more to add, nothing more to say. Your story completely written to the very last page and to the very last word.

Truism I sit with frequently. It serves as a loving punch to be present and live more full.

A reminder that forces me out of my suffering. To leave the places that hurt me. To be intentional with how I spend each moment of my existence. To be aware of the thoughts I believe and the ones I should relinquish. To be choosey about where I spend my energy. To be picky about the people I surround myself with. To stop ruminating on things that don’t matter and stressing about the future.

𝗧𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲, 𝙣𝙤𝙬.

Life is beautiful and it’s short. Take full advantage of it while you have it, because it’s all over, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵.

Ask yourself today: 𝙸𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚢 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚘𝚞𝚜 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎?

Being Single

When I visited Colorado last month, I realized as I spontaneously booked my flight a week in advance, I didn’t have to tell anyone I was leaving.

I could just book it without anyone’s permission (not that it’s needed, but inside a relationship, out of respect some sort of conversation should be had).

It was the first time, in a long time, I traveled while being single. And that thought kept coming up for me throughout the entirety of the trip.

I didn’t have to tell anyone I was leaving.
I didn’t have to let anyone know I got in safe.
I didn’t have to tell anyone what I was doing or who I was doing it with.
I didn’t have to checkin with someone throughout the course of the day or at the end of the night.
I didn’t even need to tell someone, hey I’m home now.

I could do it all without thinking about someone else and that feeling crystallized so much for me.

As someone who was always in a relationship, I felt a sense of freedom I haven’t experienced in a very long time.

I could do whatever I wanted, when I wanted it, without considering how it would effect someone else’s feelings.

And that felt really good.

Then, it occurred to me, all this time I was afraid of being single, because being single—to me—meant all these empty spaces.

But, looking through an optimistic lens, those empty spaces really just leave more room for freedom. To maybe do stuff I didn’t have time for in a relationship. To try new things. To pick up new hobbies. To spend more time focusing on me and what *I* wanted to do.

Being single ultimately gives you a different taste of freedom and more time to discover who you are and what you want—externally of someone else. And that’s a beautiful thing.

#PerspectiveShift #SingleLife #ItsAGreatLife
#Freedom

Five Ways to Improve Your Masturbation Game

Happy National Mastυrbation Month! 💦 Here are five tips to up your mastυrbation game:

>> 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬: pleasure doesn’t exist with pressure. Many of us put tooo much focus on reaching the ever-so-famous-orgαsm, which can often deter us from even reaching it. If you don’t experience an orgαsm, it’s cool, it’s fine, and it isn’t a failed experience.

Let’s reframe that way of thinking, because pleasure feels good, regardless. And when we heavily focus on this destination point, it detracts from the enjoyment of the journey.

>> 𝐆𝐞𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲: focus on your senses, your breath, and how the pleasure makes you feel—not how you look, if it’s weird (it’s not), or the tasks you have to do tomorrow.

Be present. Whenever your mind races else where, come back to your breath.

>> 𝐋𝐞𝐭 𝐠𝐨 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐠𝐨 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧: there’s no “right way” to mastυrbate. Every women touches herself differently and requires different things. To discover what feels best for you, it’ll take exploration and trail & error.

Sex with Emily stated it perfectly, your vυlva is like an Rubik’s cube. It takes time to figure out.

>> 𝐄𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲: don’t just touch your vυlva, touch all of you. Seduce yourself, and touch yourself the way you’d want a partner to touch you.

>> 𝐔𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐲𝐬: you don’t 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 toys, but it does enhance your experience. My favorite toy company is Lelo.


Takeaway: explore, experiment, and most importantly, have fun 🤪

Your favorite slut,

Devi

Dealing With Rejection While Dating

I’ve been going on a lot of dates recently and with that, I’ve received rejection. Quite a bit, if I’m being honest.

And it hasn’t bothered me. Not even a little.

In fact, I expect it. Not in a self-deprecating way, but in a way where I’m completely aware that I don’t offer what most want: a monogamous relationship.

Currently, I’m not looking for something serious or exclusive. I’m down for something consistent, yet casual, 𝘪𝘧 I like you. But nothing more.

Furthermore, if my feelings do change—and I gravitate toward wanting a relationship—I still identify as mostly non-monogamous. Some people don’t want that, and that’s okay. But I do, and that’s also okay.

Rejection is nothing more than, “𝙷𝚎𝚢, 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚒𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝.”

We don’t need to take it personal, because it’s not. Rejection is about them, not about you. It doesn’t define you, detract from you, or make you less. It means that person wasn’t for you and you weren’t for them.

This is one the most important things to remember when you’re going on dates. You will face rejection and not everyone is going to like you.

And that’s not a problem.

You’re not going to be the key to everyone’s lock. Some will connect with you and some won’t. There’s even a chance you’ll come across a person who strongly dislikes you. For whatever reason they do. Maybe it’s because of the way you dress, the way you speak, the beliefs you hold, or they don’t have a definite reason—they just don’t like you.

And that’s not a problem either.

You don’t need to change. Or mold. Or pretend to like, want, or be things your not.

You be you. And let everything else adjust.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again (and again and again), but you don’t need anyone to like you. You just need you to like you.

And when you like you, dating gets easier, relationships get easier, and so does rejection.

Because at the end of the day, you know you always have you ⚡️

Jealousy is Your Best Friend

“But don’t you get jealous?!” A question I perpetually get asked when I bring up polyamory or non-monogamy.

The answer? Yes, sometimes I do. I’m human.

Jealousy is inevitable—for all of us. It doesn’t matter if you’re in an open dynamic, a closed dynamic, or if you’re in a relationship at all.

This is a feeling that arises for each one of us. And the problem isn’t experiencing it, the problem is most of us are afraid to feel it. We dodge it, avoid it, suppress it, or...we blame the person who brought it out in us and try to control the circumstance to shut the feeling down.

Sometimes we even identify with it, “I’m just a jealous person.”

^^ No, actually you’re a human—experiencing an emotion.

I want to invite you to view jealousy through a different lens, because this uncomfortable emotion is actually your friend. The type of friend who deeply cares about you, so they tell you exactly what you need to hear, and it’s usually the things you don’t want to hear. They don’t present it wrapped up in a pretty bow, they’re blunt and straight forward and sometimes it stings. BUT. You needed to hear it.

Jealousy shows you what you need to work on or what you need to work through to help you become a more confident version of yourself. So rather than dismissing it, in all the ways you often do—feel it and lean into it.

Question why it’s coming up for you and take the time to understand where it’s coming from and what it’s trying to tell you.

The process can look like this:

Why is this coming up for me? Does this person have something I want? Do I feel like they’re better than me? Am I afraid my partner will leave me for someone else?



Why do I feel that way? And what does that mean?



Do I need to realize my worth? Do I need to feel more secure in myself?

OR

Does this person have something I really want? And I’m projecting because I’m actually just upset with myself for not working toward it.



Jealousy can be used as a wake up call to finally go after what you really want OR feedback on things you need to work through internally.

Don’t let the discomfort of jealousy steer you away. It’s here to help you, boo. ⚡️

"Coming Out" Without a Label

Am I bisexual? A question I sat with and ruminated over for months. Coming out, for some, is easier, because they just know. For others—myself included—it takes time, because they don’t know.

All I knew was that the attraction was there, but I didn’t know how far that attraction went. I kissed women in the past, but kissing a woman is one thing, exploring her body is a whole other thing.

In October of 2017 I had my first experience with a woman. Instantly, it became clear to me that it wasn’t just admiration, it was more.

But here’s the catch...

Three months passed by, and at this point, I knew I loved being with women (I was even in polyamorous relationship with one), but I was uncertain about what that meant.

Does this make me bi? Could I be something other than bi? Would I be with a woman romantically, if a man wasn’t involved? WHAT THE FUCK DO I IDENTIFY AS?

I felt overwhelmingly frustrated and bemused which equated to hiding it. I didn’t talk about my experiences...or my girlfriend.

It wasn’t due to shame, it was more or so that I didn’t feel comfortable claiming a label....yet. And I knew if I did talk about it, people would ask, “So are you bi?!?!” “Are you gay?!?” “WHAT ARE YOU?!?!”

I didn’t want to be pried with questions I didn’t have the answers too. So, I avoided it all together.

My then-partners told me something extremely helpful and it made my “coming out” process a hell of a lot easier:

You don’t need a label in order to “come out” or to talk about the things that make you happy. People want black and white answers, but it isn’t your job to give it to them.

So, for awhile, it was just, “I’m Devon and I like both men and women.” If they asked for more, I just said, “I don’t know.”

^^ and there’s nothing wrong with that answer.

We get so wrapped up in labels and identities, which can create unnecessary stress, pressure, and removes the joy from the freedom of expression.

Don’t let labels or meanings keep you from exploring your sexuality. You’re YOU. And whatever you do doesn’t have to mean anything.

You’re more than welcome to claim a label...WHEN and IF it feels right, but you’re not obligated to take that on ⚡

On Taking Things Personally

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words CAN hurt me. When someone says something unkind to me or has a poor opinion of me, admittedly, it does occasionally hurt me.

I’m by no means immune to peoples spiteful words, actions, or opinions. It inflicts pain from time to time.

And that’s okay. It’s okay if someone’s words cause upset. It’s okay to say, “Fuck. That really hurt to hear from you, because I *do* actually care about your opinion of me.”

Now, while I do wholeheartedly agree it’s important to operate from a place of internal validation. And, to also internalize that whatever someone says to you is a projection and a reflection of them...
...that doesn’t go without saying, you can still care about external opinions and sometimes, it can actually be useful to take things personally.

I think we’re doing a disservice to ourselves when we pretend it doesn’t hurt and when we write everything off as “it’s not about me.”

Here’s the thing: typically, the reason peoples opinions and words hurt us is because somewhere inside us we hold it as true about ourselves...or at least used to.

Or because we just fucking care. That’s okay, too.

But, rather than dismissing everything, I invite you to take a closer look as to WHY it does hurt you and WHY you are taking it personally.

Like I said, it can be extremely useful and an excellent tool to help with your growth and your healing.

You can see it as positive criticism, feedback, and data to help you discover what you need to work on or what you need to work through.

For example, let’s say they call you out for sucking at something, this could be an opportunity for you to WORK ON it. Or maybe, they say something negative about your body, and that could be a sign you have body image insecurities you need to WORK THROUGH. Or perhaps, if you’re taking everything personally—that’s a huge wake up call, saying, “Baby girl, you need to work on cultivating self-confidence and start seeking more internal validation.”

So, yeah, it *can* be helpful. It *can* be a tool for our growth. But also, don’t forget... sometimes, you do actually just need to tell someone to go fuck themselves. 🤪🖤☠️