relationships

The Fear of Being Alone

When I moved from NYC to California, I was confronted with one of my fears: being alone.

Being alone meant sitting with my thoughts, feelings, insecurities, fears, heartbreak, and trauma from the past; the things I didn’t want to process because I knew it’d painful and uncomfortable.

So, I avoided it by being in relationships.

I was that person who jumped from one relationship to the next without giving myself space to process the severing of the last one.

^ not the best decision, because what happens is you carry the trash from the last relationship into the next and create a mess.

And because I jumped into relationships, I was basically saying, “I know we just met and I don’t really know you yet, but you give me attention and check *some* of my boxes... so uh, yeah, let’s be an exclusive thing?!”

I was settling and finding myself in unfulfilling partnerships. I’d either be with someone I only *kinda* liked. Or, I’d be in toxic relationships (the toxicity sometimes created by my own shit), because that pain was familiar and more comfortable than facing the unfamiliar pain of being alone.

But then, I moved across the country to live in an empty space, with my empty heart. And sure, I could’ve numbed with distractions that weren’t people, but I decided to explore what I habitually escaped from. To get curious about it and ask myself why I was afraid of it.

And so I did. And it was hard. And it brought up A LOT of shit. And I cried myself to sleep almost every single night for a month straight.

And...
...I lived.

Because pain is ephemeral.

This process taught me the importance of being alone and how to do it, but it also taught me to stop running away from my pain.

Pain is one of your greatest teachers and growth usually comes from the lowest places in your life.

And fuuuck. I came out wiser, stronger, and happier than ever before. Oh, and I discovered how much I actually love being alone.

My challenge for you is to ask: what pain am I running away from and why? Stop resisting and start exploring. Get curious, because there’s lessons in the pain⚡️

xx

Devi

Give Yourself The Love and Attention You Beg From Others

“𝑰 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝑰’𝒎 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖.” Words you so frequently say to others, but fail to say to yourself.

You sit there in the dark. Forgotten. Neglected. Abandon. Willing showing up for others, but never for yourself. You’re so out of touch with you that you’re lost. And you expect someone else to find you, to provide for you, to fill what is hollow:

You’re in search of someone to give you:
𝙰𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗.
𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎.
𝚂𝚎𝚡.
𝚀𝚞𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎.
𝙰𝚏𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚜.

You tell them: 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦; 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦; 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘦, 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘮𝘦, 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘮𝘦; 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦; 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨.

You put the responsibility on others to take care of you, to love you, to supply your needs. And as a result, you become so distant from yourself, so far from seeing your worth, and come to a place that lacks fulfillment.

Your cup will remain empty, until you choose to fill it on your own. Darling, please heed my words: it is your responsibility. To fill those voids, to take initiative, and to give yourself the boundless love placed in your heart. You can and you should give yourself what you’re so desperately craving. The orgasmic sex, the appreciation, the gentle words, the date night, the roses, the nourishment and the nurturing. All of it.

Your love is yours to give yourself. You are your responsibility—no one else’s. And when you fill up your own cup, others will only add and love will overflow.

Fill up your cup today, boo. Today and every day.

xx

Devi

Choose People Who Choose You

The people you surround yourself with matter.

They can tear you apart, stomp on your confidence, damage your self esteem, try to mold you into something you’re not, shame you for who you are, and spit you out making you feel like you were worth nothing.

I’ve been there. I know what that feels like.

And the magical thing is that you have a choice. You can either keep choosing someone like that, or you can choose someone who:

Heightens your confidence.
Accepts all the quirkiness.
Never puts pressure on you and allows you to make decisions when you’re ready.
Gives you reassurance when you need it most.
Encourages you to do things you’re afraid of, but you know it’s necessary.
Makes you feel safe, especially in your most vulnerable states.
Helps you unpack your own insecurities and never judges you for them.
Reminds you of how much you have to offer the world.
Inspires you to be better.
Empowers you to show up living your truth.
Opens up space for you with nothing but compassion.
Lets you own the fuck out of who you are and never shames you for it.
Buys you Reese’s Cups—not mandatory, but definitely a bonus.

Most importantly, someone who chooses you, for you and never tries to change you. Because darling, you deserve that and nothing less.

You are not under any obligation to stay in a relationship—it is all but a choice.

You don't just hangout with someone, you choose to hangout with someone. You choose to spend your time investing in someone. You choose to be around them and let them be around you.

So take a moment to carefully examine each relationship in your life. Ask yourself:

Do I have to keep my guard up? Or do I feel safe?

Do I show up being my most authentic self? Or do I hide under a mask?

Do they push me to be better? Or shame me instead?

Do they encourage me to play big? Or keep me small?

Do you feel happy the majority of the time? Or sad?

Do they enhance my life? Or detract from it?

Do they invest in our relationship? Or am I the only one putting in effort?

Do they speak truth? Or do they lie?

Do they heighten my confidence? Or belittle me?

Do they add value to my life?

These are all serious questions to consider.

And I want to preference this by saying I know that severing relationships is never easy, but your life will flourish in a myriad of ways when you start choosing people who choose you. So choose wisely and choose carefully.

XO

Devi