self love

Are You Dependent on Others Approval and Validation?

๐€ ๐‚๐Ž๐๐‚๐„๐๐“ ๐Ÿ’ก๐˜ž๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ช๐˜ง... the attention and care and approval youโ€™re desperate to receive from someone else, is exactly what youโ€™re failing to give yourself?

Pause and ruminate on that for a moment.

Did it ring loudly in your ears like it did for me? What a concept, am I right? This notion that every need and desire you crave from another human are the very things you need to give to yourself.

The love.
The affection.
The undivided attention.
The quality time.
The words of affirmation.
The thoughtful gifts.
The acceptance.
The sโ‚ฌx.

All of it can be given to you, by you (๐Ÿคฏ).

When we depend on others to validate us, to love us, to hear us, and to support usโ€”it leads to our demise. We end up in a constant search, lacking fulfillment, always needing more, never feeling like weโ€™re enough, and completely losing ourselves.

And itโ€™s because weโ€™re searching outside ourselves; everything we need can be found looking inward.

You donโ€™t need anyone to give you what you want, you have the means to give it to yourself. And then, when someone else adds to your cup of love, it overflows because itโ€™s already full; as opposed to the empty cup that perpetually drains the minute someone isnโ€™t there to fill it.

Iโ€™m inviting you to take a closer look at what youโ€™re longing for and instead of finding someone else to give it to you, give it to yourself.

xx

Devi

Loving Yourself is Hard

โ€œJust love yourself,โ€ they say (๐Ÿง). As if it was easy. As if you could undo and reprogram everything youโ€™ve been taughtโ€”from the beginningโ€”with a flip of switch. As if you could rewrite the script youโ€™ve been rehearsing for years, and memorize an entirely new narrative overnight.

โ€œAha. Youโ€™re so right. Why didnโ€™t I ever think of that?! Let me just looveeee myself.โ€

LOL.

This notion floating around that repeating positive affirmations and relinquishing peopleโ€™s opinions will fix all your problems, IS the problem.

Donโ€™t get me wrong, these are effective tools that put you in an advantageous position and theyโ€™re part of the puzzle piece. But, itโ€™s far more than just saying words and releasing the need for external validation.

While there is good intent behind this messaging, it can be extremely crippling and harmful to those learning how to love themselves.

Because what happens is youโ€™ll look in the mirror, repeat the affirmation, and think, โ€œWhy isnโ€™t this fucking working? How come everyone on Instagram loves themselves by saying this and it doesnโ€™t do anything for me.โ€

All it did was perpetuate more judgement, more self-criticism, and made you feel even worse.

As much as I wish it was an overly simplistic process; that you could just tell yourself you โ€˜love yourself,โ€™ and then all of your insecurities, fears, bruises, and problems evaporate.

It just doesnโ€™t work that way.

I want you to know that wherever you are right now and however you feel, you are perfectly okay. Youโ€™re exactly where you need to be.

AND you can take ONE step forward in the direction youโ€™re longing for.

Maybe itโ€™s reading a book, hiring a body image coach, going to therapy, moving your body consistently, eating a vegetable, working with me (๐Ÿคช). Whatever makes YOU feel 1% better.

Itโ€™s your process, boo. Donโ€™t let this skewed version of self love make you think itโ€™s supposed to be seamless and quick and constantly full of light. Itโ€™s not.

Hang in there. I know itโ€™s tough. But, I believe in you and Iโ€™m here to help you, if you need. ๐Ÿ–ค Luuuh you.

Devi

Getting Out of An Abusive Relationship

โ€œYouโ€™re not stuck here. Youโ€™re choosing to stay here.โ€ A rude awakening to say the least. These were the exact words I said to myself when I found myself in an abusive relationship.

We donโ€™t walk into a partnership with someone knowing theyโ€™re going to abuse us. In the beginning, even with an abuser, itโ€™s beautiful and they treat you beautifully. Being with them makes you feel like pure ecstasy is running through your body. Youโ€™re beaming with love and excitement and happiness.

But, somewhere down the line, when people get ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ญ๐˜บ comfortableโ€”they take off their masks. And sometimes, underneath that it isnโ€™t so pretty.

Iโ€™ve grown up watching people who are close to me be in abusive relationships. You would think I would know if I was in one. However, for the longest time, I didnโ€™t... but perhaps, thatโ€™s because it was a different type of abuse.

Many of us, including myself for a while, have this erroneous assumption that abuse is only physical. But itโ€™s not. It can be verbal and emotional.

๐’๐ข๐ ๐ง๐ฌ ๐จ๐Ÿ ๐š๐›๐ฎ๐ฌ๐ž ๐œ๐š๐ง ๐ข๐ง๐œ๐ฅ๐ฎ๐๐ž: manipulation, control, gaslighting, intimidation, humiliation, treating you like a servant and putting most responsibilities on you, keeping you from work, making threats to hurt themself, smashing or destroying things, making you feel afraid and unsafe.

And... when do call them out, theyโ€™ll try to justify it. Theyโ€™ll minimize or deny or blame the behavior on you.

You stay, because well for starters, theyโ€™re really good at changing your mind. They change the narrative to change your mind, perpetually. But also, itโ€™s either a familiar cycle from your past or because youโ€™re in love. Because youโ€™re so far invested. Because you see changes in them, and when you see those slivers of changeโ€”it gives you hope.

Iโ€™ve been in two abusive relationships and I know how hard it is to leave. Especially when they feed you all the poetic bullshit, like: Youโ€™re the only one who gets me, understands me, knows how to show up for me. You make me feel safe, seen, and heard. Youโ€™re special. Youโ€™re not like anyone else. Iโ€™m doing my best to change and break my patterns. Please donโ€™t give up on me.

Hereโ€™s the thing: abusers say theyโ€™re going to change. And they do...for awhile, until they donโ€™t. Until they have you back in their grips, and then they repeat the same patterns and behaviors...over and over again.

Thatโ€™s how part of the cycle works.

If youโ€™re in an abusive relationship, I want you to know it doesnโ€™t mean youโ€™re weak. Youโ€™re likely a deeply compassionate and understanding individual. You feel for them and want to help them.

But also know: itโ€™s not your job to fix them, itโ€™s theirs. Their job. Their work. Their responsibility.

Youโ€™ve done enough. Youโ€™ve had enough.

Thereโ€™s a way out. I promise. Youโ€™re not stuck. Leaving is hardโ€”trust me, I knowโ€”but staying is even harder.

Please donโ€™t let them convince you otherwise. You deserve so much more than this. Thereโ€™s other options waiting for you.

You are self-sourced, independent, resourceful, and capable of taking care of yourself.

You are worth so much more than what theyโ€™ll ever give you. You deserve to be treated like the god damn queen that you are.

Youโ€™ve got this, babe. I believe in you.

Give Yourself Permission to be an Utter Mess

Give yourself permission not to have it all together. To detach from the unreasonable expectation of perfection. To be a mess. To be discombobulated. To look at your life and accept the disarray, free of judgement.

Give yourself permission to acknowledge the full spectrum of emotions you can experience and to know each one of them is allowed to be expressed, to be felt, to be seen.

Give yourself permission not to be okay. To stop numbing, avoiding, and ignoring the discomfort. To realize suppression is not of service to you, because those uncomfortable emotions will fester. Theyโ€™ll consume every fiber in youโ€™re being if you bottle them up. To feel them is to also relinquish them. To grow from them. To heal from them.

Give yourself permission to stop people-pleasing and to start self-pleasing. To declare your boundaries, even when they donโ€™t fit the other persons desires. To finally say no to someone else, so you can say yes to yourself.

Give yourself permission to provide for YOU in the same way you do for others. To give yourself the love, the compassion, the kindness, the gentleness, the forgiveness, the acknowledgment, the care.

Give it to yourself. You owe it to yourself. โšก๏ธ

xx

Devi

Give Yourself The Love and Attention You Beg From Others

โ€œ๐‘ฐ ๐’๐’๐’—๐’† ๐’š๐’๐’–. ๐‘ฐโ€™๐’Ž ๐’‰๐’†๐’“๐’† ๐’‡๐’๐’“ ๐’š๐’๐’– ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐‘ฐ ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’ ๐’•๐’‚๐’Œ๐’† ๐’„๐’‚๐’“๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐’š๐’๐’–.โ€ Words you so frequently say to others, but fail to say to yourself.

You sit there in the dark. Forgotten. Neglected. Abandon. Willing showing up for others, but never for yourself. Youโ€™re so out of touch with you that youโ€™re lost. And you expect someone else to find you, to provide for you, to fill what is hollow:

Youโ€™re in search of someone to give you:
๐™ฐ๐š๐š๐šŽ๐š—๐š๐š’๐š˜๐š—.
๐™ป๐š˜๐šŸ๐šŽ.
๐š‚๐šŽ๐šก.
๐š€๐šž๐šŠ๐š•๐š’๐š๐šข ๐š๐š’๐š–๐šŽ.
๐™ฐ๐š๐š๐š’๐š›๐š–๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š ๐š˜๐š›๐š๐šœ.

You tell them: ๐˜ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜จ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜ฉ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ; ๐˜ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ; ๐˜ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ค๐˜ฉ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ, ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ญ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ, ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ต ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ; ๐˜ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ญ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถโ€™๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ; ๐˜ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ค๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฑ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜จ๐˜ช๐˜ท๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ช๐˜ด ๐˜ฎ๐˜ช๐˜ด๐˜ด๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ.

You put the responsibility on others to take care of you, to love you, to supply your needs. And as a result, you become so distant from yourself, so far from seeing your worth, and come to a place that lacks fulfillment.

Your cup will remain empty, until you choose to fill it on your own. Darling, please heed my words: it is your responsibility. To fill those voids, to take initiative, and to give yourself the boundless love placed in your heart. You can and you should give yourself what youโ€™re so desperately craving. The orgasmic sex, the appreciation, the gentle words, the date night, the roses, the nourishment and the nurturing. All of it.

Your love is yours to give yourself. You are your responsibilityโ€”no one elseโ€™s. And when you fill up your own cup, others will only add and love will overflow.

Fill up your cup today, boo. Today and every day.

xx

Devi

Your Insecurities are Haunting You

Your insecurities will continue to lurk in the corner and perpetually paralyze you, until you muster up the courage to face them. And trust me, I get how the very act of doing so is petrifying considering youโ€™ve been told to hide them and run away from them.

Youโ€™ve been raised and socialized to feel insecure about your insecurities. โ €

โ€œ๐™ณ๐š˜๐š—โ€™๐š ๐šข๐š˜๐šž ๐š๐šŠ๐š›๐šŽ ๐š•๐šŽ๐š ๐šŠ๐š—๐šข๐š˜๐š—๐šŽ ๐šœ๐šŽ๐šŽ ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ๐š– ๐š˜๐š› ๐šŽ๐š•๐šœ๐šŽ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐š๐šŽ๐šŽ๐š™๐šŽ๐šœ๐š, ๐š๐šŠ๐š›๐š”๐šŽ๐šœ๐š ๐šœ๐šŽ๐šŒ๐š›๐šŽ๐š ๐š ๐š’๐š•๐š• ๐š‹๐šŽ ๐š›๐šŽ๐šŸ๐šŽ๐šŠ๐š•๐šŽ๐š: ๐šŽ๐šŸ๐šŽ๐š›๐šข๐š˜๐š—๐šŽ ๐š ๐š’๐š•๐š• ๐š”๐š—๐š˜๐š  ๐š‘๐š˜๐š  ๐šž๐š—๐š ๐š˜๐š›๐š๐š‘๐šข ๐šข๐š˜๐šž ๐šŠ๐š›๐šŽ.โ€

Itโ€™s no wonder you try to conceal them and avoid themโ€”youโ€™re embarrassed to even have them.

But, baby girl, weโ€™ve all got insecurities. To feel insecure is a normal part of the human experience. Itโ€™s not something to suppress, ignore, or feel ashamed about. Itโ€™s something you should take time to understand and unpack.

And I promise, as scary as they seem, their presence exists to serve you, not to terrorize you. Theyโ€™re your compass to guide you; theyโ€™ll take you down a path to a deeper understanding of yourself. Itโ€™ll show you the things you need to work on or work through.

Confront them. Make sense of them. Dismantle them. Allow them to heighten your confidenceโ€”not stomp on it. Got it, love? Use the Lumos spell to light up the dark and face the very thing thatโ€™s been haunting you.

Taking Control of Your Inner Mean Girl

You know the voice in your head who habitually berates you and catalyzes a stream of negative thinking? The voice who feeds you poisonous thoughts, like:

๐šˆ๐š˜๐šžโ€™๐š›๐šŽ ๐š—๐š˜๐š ๐š๐š˜๐š˜๐š ๐šŽ๐š—๐š˜๐šž๐š๐š‘.
๐šˆ๐š˜๐šžโ€™๐š›๐šŽ ๐š—๐š˜๐š ๐šœ๐š–๐šŠ๐š›๐š ๐šŽ๐š—๐š˜๐šž๐š๐š‘.
๐šˆ๐š˜๐šžโ€™๐š›๐šŽ ๐š ๐š˜๐š›๐š๐š‘๐š•๐šŽ๐šœ๐šœ.
๐šˆ๐š˜๐šžโ€™๐š›๐šŽ ๐š—๐š˜๐š ๐š๐šŽ๐šœ๐šŽ๐š›๐šŸ๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š˜๐š ๐š•๐š˜๐šŸ๐šŽ.
๐™ด๐š . ๐™ธ ๐š‘๐šŠ๐š๐šŽ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž.
๐™ฝ๐š˜๐š‹๐š˜๐š๐šข ๐š•๐š’๐š”๐šŽ๐šœ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž.

Thatโ€™s your inner mean girl. Sheโ€™s hostile and apathetic and controlling. She loves to make you feel small and create upheaval, because thatโ€™s when sheโ€™s most powerful. She doesnโ€™t want to see you happy; she wants to see you sit in misery. And sheโ€™s been pretty successful at putting you in that seat.

All she has to do is get loud enough and fill your head with noise so you become completely incapable of blissful thinking.

Baby girl, itโ€™s time to put her in her seat. I want you to stand up for yourself and tell her to shut the fuck up. You donโ€™t have to listen to her or let her words constrict you. You can stand your ground, instead of allowing her to push you down the cascade of self-sabotaging thoughts.

You are not the things she tells you. Reclaim your power and come back to center. Breathe. You are not your thoughts. You are you. You are life. And you are light.

Anytime she tries to re-enter your life (and she will), tune her out and come back to your breath. Return to the infinite power of the truth and the present moment.

xx

Devi

What I Learned From an Open Relationship

๐–๐ก๐š๐ญ ๐ˆ ๐ฅ๐ž๐š๐ซ๐ง๐ž๐ ๐ฐ๐ก๐ž๐ง ๐ˆ ๐ฐ๐š๐ฌ ๐ข๐ง ๐š ๐ง๐จ๐ง-๐ฆ๐จ๐ง๐จ๐ ๐š๐ฆ๐จ๐ฎ๐ฌ, ๐ฉ๐จ๐ฅ๐ฒ๐š๐ฆ๐จ๐ซ๐จ๐ฎ๐ฌ ๐ซ๐ž๐ฅ๐š๐ญ๐ข๐จ๐ง๐ฌ๐ก๐ข๐ฉ:

If your partner loves someone else, it ๐˜ซ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต means they love them, too. If youโ€™re partner finds someone else attractive, it ๐˜ซ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต means they find them attractive, too. It doesnโ€™t detract from the love they have for you or the beauty they see in you.

Love is expansive. You can love multiple people.

ALL your insecurities will bubble up to the surface. Youโ€™ll even become aware of insecurities you never knew existed. Being in an open relationship doesnโ€™t mean youโ€™re immune to jealousy or youโ€™re less susceptible to feeling it. It will come up, even when you least expect it. Itโ€™s inevitable.

^^ When insecurities or jealousy arises, itโ€™s important never to judge, but seek to understand. Examine the external situation causing it, and identify the internal emotions triggering it. Dismantling these feelings will allow you to have a greater understanding of yourself.

Being jealous or insecure does not make you a jealous or insecure person. It means youโ€™re a human, having a normal emotional experience.

You must let go of the need to control the outcome and accept all possibilities.

Itโ€™s work. A tremendous amount of work. Itโ€™s easy to get lost in the glamor of it allโ€”the sex, the multiple connections, the novelty you can frequently experience. But let me assure you, shit ainโ€™t easy. Itโ€™s a lot to manage, and requires so much bandwidth.

It will lovingly force you to dive a little deeper into cultivating more self assurance, more self awareness, and more self confidence. It will demand you to vocalize your needs, have difficult conversations, declare boundaries, and effectively communicate. Itโ€™ll remind you to stop trivializing your feelings in order to please someone else, because the way you feel is just as important. It will ask you to neglect beliefs no longer serving you or your partners.

Ultimately, for me, this relationship paved my path to a road full of self discovery and growth. And Iโ€™m utterly grateful for the valuable and crucial lessons this set up brought me.

Devi

The Truth About Confidence

Letโ€™s dispel the myth thatโ€™s floating around about confidence ๐Ÿง™โ€โ™€๏ธ

Society has conditioned us to believe confidence comes externally. That itโ€™s defined by our successes, the money in our bank accounts, our appearance, and how popular we are.

Regina George is a perfect example of why this is morbidly untrue. She portrays the perceived image of perfection: dresses to the nines, hair is well-groomed, makeup is flawless, comes from a wealthy family, everyone likes her, wants to be her.

BUT.

Itโ€™s all a facadeโ€”an illusion covering up whatโ€™s really bubbling below the surface. We all know sheโ€™s struggling internally; she constantly needs validation from others and she feels like she has to be perfect to be worthy...to be enough.

So while she has the money, the looks, the popularity...all the things that supposedly are believed to give you confidenceโ€”we see throughout the movie, sheโ€™s crumbling from within. The minute she doesnโ€™t have validation or falls short from perfection, confidence is stripped right away from her.

This is the reason we have such a difficult time actualizing confidence. Weโ€™re chasing after all these external things and complying to the fallacy that in order to feel confident, you have to be perfect and look perfect.

Heed my words, darlings, because Iโ€™m about to reveal veracities that could dramatically shift your life:

  • Confidence isnโ€™t created externally, itโ€™s created internally.

  • Confidence isnโ€™t about being perfect, itโ€™s accepting youโ€™re imperfect and making friends with those imperfections.

Confidence is kinda about...being comfortable with how wonderful youโ€™re not (๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ). Itโ€™s being okay with knowing youโ€™re wrong sometimes. That youโ€™re flawed. Awkward. Strange. Weird.

We think confident people canโ€™t be insecure, painfully shy, or anxious. They canโ€™t stutter, choke up, or say stupid shit. They canโ€™t have cellulite or stretch marks or excess fat. In reality, confident people are okay with being all of that.

Sheer confidence is about how YOU feel about yourself internally and independently of anyone else. Itโ€™s owning the fuck out of who you are, including the things that make you a fucking human (๐ŸŽค๐Ÿคฏ).

xx

Devi

Can You Love Your Body and Still Want to Change it?

You can accept your body right now and still want to make changes to it. These two are not mutually exclusive. As a matter of fact, if both are applied simultaneously magic happens.

When you operate from a place of self-acceptance and self-compassion, changing your body becomes easier than ever, because you take care of what you love.

The misconceived notion that self-acceptance and self-love equates to laziness or stagnation is a silly concept. Neglecting your health and the myriad of other things that embody self-care is not a reflection of love.

When you love your body, you treat it with the upmost care and respect. This encompasses both speaking kindly to yourself and doing the very things that nourish itโ€”working out, eating healthy, getting proper sleepโ€”that whole thing.

So yes, itโ€™s okay to want change, thereโ€™s just a fine line between where the desire to change is derived from.

If you want to change your body because you think being leaner will somehow make you more worthy of love, success, connection, confidence, and belongingโ€”thatโ€™s a massive problem, because itโ€™s morbidly untrue.

But when you want to change your body to improve the quality of your life OR simply because you fucking want to (hello autonomy) itโ€™s a completely different story.

Hating your body lean doesnโ€™t work, or at least never ends in a happy fairy tale. Cut that shit out and watch how much easier it is to make those desired alterations.

xx

Devi