self love

F*ck Being the Cool Girl.

𝙁𝙪𝙘𝙠 𝗯𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 “𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗼𝗹 𝗴𝗶𝗿𝗹.”

Fuck being that girl who forgets about *her* standards; who dismisses someone’s wrongdoings; who doesn’t want to come off confrontational, dramatic, bitchy, toooo much.

The one who sits there and questions...

𝘚𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘰𝘶𝘵? 𝘚𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘐 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘯𝘰? 𝘞𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘯𝘰? 𝘚𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘐 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭? 𝘚𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘐 𝘢𝘴𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘶𝘱 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥? 𝘚𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘐 𝘢𝘴𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘪𝘵?

...and then concludes the questioning with, “nah, just be cool.”

FUCK THAT.

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮.

If you’re constantly playing it cool, being the easy-going, people-pleaser—you’re not going to receive the treatment you want and inevitably will wind up disappointed.

Being the “girl cool” is basically saying... I don’t respect myself. I don’t have beliefs or values that oppose yours, I agree with everything you say. I don’t have standards or boundaries so you can do whatever you want, and I’ll be okay with it. You can show up whenever it’s convenient for you, and I’ll be available.

It’s time to stop putting on the “girl cool” facade and pretending like it’s all okay, when you know it’s not.

Be the girl who stands up for yourself.
The girl who speaks up and vocalizes when things aren’t okay.
The girl who declares boundaries and stands firmly behind them, especially when they’re pushed.
The girl who doesn’t tolerate shitty treatment. The girl who is smart enough, strong enough, and brave enough to walk away because her worth isn’t defined by someone else. Because she knows she deserves better. Because she knows what she wants and won’t settle for less.

You’re a goddamn queen, not the cool girl.

Ya hear me?

"But, I Can't Dance."

How many of you avoid dancing because you subscribe to the belief that, “𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦” or “𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘢 𝘥𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘳?”

🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️

For as long as I can remember, that was the exact story I kept telling myself. Dancing felt awkward, uncomfortable, and the thought perpetually playing in my head would be, “𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘐’𝘮 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨.”

And to a certain degree, I still don’t. But the difference between now and then isn’t that I know how to dance with these fluid, choreographed motions—it’s that I let go; let go of what I think I’m supposed to look like and let go of how others might perceive me.

You don’t have to be a dancer to move your body to a song, boo—𝐝𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞.

All you have to do is move your body in whatever way feels right and sometimes it might look weird and silly and that’s perfectly okay.

Dancing is a beautiful way to express yourself, foster a deeper connection with your body, and most importantly bring you to the present moment.

Do it. Dance. Freely. Habitually. It’s good for your soul.

xx

Devi

Are You Playing Victim?

On November 19th of last year, I left Manhattan, a relationship, and my best friends to move across the country to a place I’d only ever visited once.

I was feeling...heartbroken, afraid, proud, uncertain, overwhelmed, hopeful...all the things; all of them except, ready.

Moving to the city was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made—so was leaving. And that wasn’t exactly a choice I wanted to make, but it was one I knew I needed to make.

I no longer wanted to watch myself play victim as I crumbled in the process of it.

I couldn’t bare to hear myself complain and repeat the same conversation about what I wasn’t happy with one more time.

I was done pretending like I couldn’t fix what was happening. Done acting like I could point fingers, when in reality...there was only one person to blame and that was myself.

Because ultimately, it was my choice. It was my decision to stay in a place with a person who hurt me, repeatedly.

And so I *finally* decided that I didn’t want what I was choosing and I chose something else and that’s when I chose California.

Choices like these aren’t always easy. And even when we know it’s a choice we need to make, we can feel resistant and dubious about our decision—I for sure did.

Sometimes I wish people could’ve see me when I was in the middle of my suffering.

To hear the several conversations I exchanged with friends complaining about the exact same problem and not creating any solutions.

To feel the strength of the fear sitting inside me when I decided to move. To witness the many times I almost convinced myself to stay.

To watch me cry the minute I left my NYC apartment until I rested my head on the pillow and fell asleep in my new & empty Cali apartment.

To realize that I’m just as guilty of playing victim, too. To know I struggled, because IG didn’t capture that. But it is the truth and I’m sharing that with you now.

Sharing because I want to encourage you to do the same. To leave whatever it is that’s hurting you—people, places, jobs, thoughts, beliefs—because you deserve it. Because there’s more to this life than what you’ve been choosing. 🖤

It’s not going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it.

Question Everything

Have you ever taken the time to question your beliefs? To ask where they come from? Why *you* believe them? Why you judge, reject, and resist anything that counteracts those beliefs? If those beliefs are serving you? And if they’re really even yours to begin with?

Last night over dinner, my friend and I talked about the myriad of ways one can view relationships, politics, sex, body image, and religion.

That the ideas, beliefs, and stories we hold—especially the ones from our earliest years—were given to us; some were even pushed and forced on us. By the culture we’re born into, by our caretakers, by our ancestors, by our teachers, by our friends, by the people we follow on Instagram, by the books we read and the shows we watch.

Many of us never truly acknowledge that. We just believe the things we’ve been told without exploration.

And in a lot of ways that can hurt us. It can lead to unhappiness, insecurity, suffering, closeting, and even, our demise.

To speak from my own experience, I grew up in a religious and conservative household. I was told I needed to go to college to be successful. That having sex with multiple people was a sin. That I shouldn’t cry. That identifying with anything other than straight is wrong and weird. That my worth is placed in my appearance. That I should put others first.

For a awhile, I believed them, I lived then, followed them, and I did—unfortunately—defend them.

And that was before I took the time to unpack them, to realize they’re not mine—they’re someone else’s.

And now those are all beliefs I no longer hold.

I wouldn’t be this sex-positive, body-positive, bisexual, spiritual, monogamish, emotional, ethical slut who puts herself first, if I didn’t take the time to question my own beliefs.

And I can’t stress enough the importance of that for you, too.

To sort through it all—the beliefs about your body, your worth, your religion, your political stance, your insecurities...hell, even your music preferences.

I’m not here to tell you what’s right or what’s wrong, but to remind you to question everything—including and especially the things I say.

To tell you that you get to choose.

Why Are We Embarrassed?

Has it ever occurred to you how silly it is that we get embarrassed about our bodies doing things that every single body does?

Embarrassed about aging. Saggy boobs. Wrinkles. Grey hair. Uneven skin tone. Acne. Scars. Fat. Cellulite. Stretch marks.

Embarrassed about bodily functions and all the inner workings of our body. Embarrassed to pass gas, have boogers, burp, bloat, queef.

Embarrassed about pubic hair, only then to be embarrassed about the razor burn from cutting the pubic hair.

Embarrassed to have sex because our partner can see all our “imperfections.”

As if none of it’s natural, or normal, or supposed to happen. As if no one else experiences it, except you.

Don’t let this perfectly curated and heavily photoshopped Instagram era make you forget how normal you are 😘 #malleable #onlyhuman

xx

Devi

F*ck Your Positivity

How many times have you heard the following when you were in the midsts of undesirable situation or an uncomfortable feeling?

𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒔𝒆𝒕.
𝑱𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇.
𝑩𝒆 𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒗𝒆.
𝑩𝒆 𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒇𝒖𝒍.

Don’t get me wrong, these things 𝘤𝘢𝘯 help.

But, it’s usually not the first solution, especially when you’re so far in it. All these overly optimistic statements are frustrating because it invalidates your pain and someone just slathered simplicity on a complex problem.

And you want nothing more than to tell them and their optimism to fuck all the way off—rightfully so.

You don’t always have to view the world with your rose-colored glasses. You can see things for what they are and accept the fact that the circumstance is undesirable.

There doesn’t have to be a bright side or a positive in everything. It can simply just suck. You can say, “𝖨 𝗁𝖺𝗍𝖾 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝖺𝖻𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌.”

You can complain.
You can cry.
You can panic.
You can scream and stomp your feet and have an outburst of resentment.

You’re feeling your feelings and vocalizing what’s real for you—that’s the healthy thing to do; even when those feelings are full of pain, negativity, and arouse indignation.

Sometimes the answer is to live in the suckage for a day or two and honor it and everything that comes with it.

And only then, when you’ve expressed and released your frustration—it’ll be easier to make that mental shift, or to at least have clarity on what the next solution is to the problem.

Are You Dependent on Others Approval and Validation?

𝐀 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐏𝐓 💡𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘧... the attention and care and approval you’re desperate to receive from someone else, is exactly what you’re failing to give yourself?

Pause and ruminate on that for a moment.

Did it ring loudly in your ears like it did for me? What a concept, am I right? This notion that every need and desire you crave from another human are the very things you need to give to yourself.

The love.
The affection.
The undivided attention.
The quality time.
The words of affirmation.
The thoughtful gifts.
The acceptance.
The s€x.

All of it can be given to you, by you (🤯).

When we depend on others to validate us, to love us, to hear us, and to support us—it leads to our demise. We end up in a constant search, lacking fulfillment, always needing more, never feeling like we’re enough, and completely losing ourselves.

And it’s because we’re searching outside ourselves; everything we need can be found looking inward.

You don’t need anyone to give you what you want, you have the means to give it to yourself. And then, when someone else adds to your cup of love, it overflows because it’s already full; as opposed to the empty cup that perpetually drains the minute someone isn’t there to fill it.

I’m inviting you to take a closer look at what you’re longing for and instead of finding someone else to give it to you, give it to yourself.

xx

Devi

Loving Yourself is Hard

“Just love yourself,” they say (🧐). As if it was easy. As if you could undo and reprogram everything you’ve been taught—from the beginning—with a flip of switch. As if you could rewrite the script you’ve been rehearsing for years, and memorize an entirely new narrative overnight.

“Aha. You’re so right. Why didn’t I ever think of that?! Let me just looveeee myself.”

LOL.

This notion floating around that repeating positive affirmations and relinquishing people’s opinions will fix all your problems, IS the problem.

Don’t get me wrong, these are effective tools that put you in an advantageous position and they’re part of the puzzle piece. But, it’s far more than just saying words and releasing the need for external validation.

While there is good intent behind this messaging, it can be extremely crippling and harmful to those learning how to love themselves.

Because what happens is you’ll look in the mirror, repeat the affirmation, and think, “Why isn’t this fucking working? How come everyone on Instagram loves themselves by saying this and it doesn’t do anything for me.”

All it did was perpetuate more judgement, more self-criticism, and made you feel even worse.

As much as I wish it was an overly simplistic process; that you could just tell yourself you ‘love yourself,’ and then all of your insecurities, fears, bruises, and problems evaporate.

It just doesn’t work that way.

I want you to know that wherever you are right now and however you feel, you are perfectly okay. You’re exactly where you need to be.

AND you can take ONE step forward in the direction you’re longing for.

Maybe it’s reading a book, hiring a body image coach, going to therapy, moving your body consistently, eating a vegetable, working with me (🤪). Whatever makes YOU feel 1% better.

It’s your process, boo. Don’t let this skewed version of self love make you think it’s supposed to be seamless and quick and constantly full of light. It’s not.

Hang in there. I know it’s tough. But, I believe in you and I’m here to help you, if you need. 🖤 Luuuh you.

Devi

Getting Out of An Abusive Relationship

“You’re not stuck here. You’re choosing to stay here.” A rude awakening to say the least. These were the exact words I said to myself when I found myself in an abusive relationship.

We don’t walk into a partnership with someone knowing they’re going to abuse us. In the beginning, even with an abuser, it’s beautiful and they treat you beautifully. Being with them makes you feel like pure ecstasy is running through your body. You’re beaming with love and excitement and happiness.

But, somewhere down the line, when people get 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 comfortable—they take off their masks. And sometimes, underneath that it isn’t so pretty.

I’ve grown up watching people who are close to me be in abusive relationships. You would think I would know if I was in one. However, for the longest time, I didn’t... but perhaps, that’s because it was a different type of abuse.

Many of us, including myself for a while, have this erroneous assumption that abuse is only physical. But it’s not. It can be verbal and emotional.

𝐒𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞: manipulation, control, gaslighting, intimidation, humiliation, treating you like a servant and putting most responsibilities on you, keeping you from work, making threats to hurt themself, smashing or destroying things, making you feel afraid and unsafe.

And... when do call them out, they’ll try to justify it. They’ll minimize or deny or blame the behavior on you.

You stay, because well for starters, they’re really good at changing your mind. They change the narrative to change your mind, perpetually. But also, it’s either a familiar cycle from your past or because you’re in love. Because you’re so far invested. Because you see changes in them, and when you see those slivers of change—it gives you hope.

I’ve been in two abusive relationships and I know how hard it is to leave. Especially when they feed you all the poetic bullshit, like: You’re the only one who gets me, understands me, knows how to show up for me. You make me feel safe, seen, and heard. You’re special. You’re not like anyone else. I’m doing my best to change and break my patterns. Please don’t give up on me.

Here’s the thing: abusers say they’re going to change. And they do...for awhile, until they don’t. Until they have you back in their grips, and then they repeat the same patterns and behaviors...over and over again.

That’s how part of the cycle works.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, I want you to know it doesn’t mean you’re weak. You’re likely a deeply compassionate and understanding individual. You feel for them and want to help them.

But also know: it’s not your job to fix them, it’s theirs. Their job. Their work. Their responsibility.

You’ve done enough. You’ve had enough.

There’s a way out. I promise. You’re not stuck. Leaving is hard—trust me, I know—but staying is even harder.

Please don’t let them convince you otherwise. You deserve so much more than this. There’s other options waiting for you.

You are self-sourced, independent, resourceful, and capable of taking care of yourself.

You are worth so much more than what they’ll ever give you. You deserve to be treated like the god damn queen that you are.

You’ve got this, babe. I believe in you.

Give Yourself Permission to be an Utter Mess

Give yourself permission not to have it all together. To detach from the unreasonable expectation of perfection. To be a mess. To be discombobulated. To look at your life and accept the disarray, free of judgement.

Give yourself permission to acknowledge the full spectrum of emotions you can experience and to know each one of them is allowed to be expressed, to be felt, to be seen.

Give yourself permission not to be okay. To stop numbing, avoiding, and ignoring the discomfort. To realize suppression is not of service to you, because those uncomfortable emotions will fester. They’ll consume every fiber in you’re being if you bottle them up. To feel them is to also relinquish them. To grow from them. To heal from them.

Give yourself permission to stop people-pleasing and to start self-pleasing. To declare your boundaries, even when they don’t fit the other persons desires. To finally say no to someone else, so you can say yes to yourself.

Give yourself permission to provide for YOU in the same way you do for others. To give yourself the love, the compassion, the kindness, the gentleness, the forgiveness, the acknowledgment, the care.

Give it to yourself. You owe it to yourself. ⚡️

xx

Devi